Shame has come up a couple of times in my therapy sessions over the past couple of weeks, and I'm interested in gaining a fuller understanding of it, in particular toxic shame.
I'm aware there maybe nothing new or revelatory about anything I'm posting here, but hope it might lead to an interesting conversation or two. Drawing from some of the well-rounded expositions available on the subject shame, if I were to list some of the more salient features, they would be as follows(ref: The Aspie Teacher):
1. It can hide in our unconscious, so that we’re unaware that we have shame.
2. When we experience shame, it lasts much longer.
3. The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity.
4. An external event isn’t required to trigger it. Our own thoughts can bring on feelings of shame.
5. It leads to shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
6. It causes chronic “shame anxiety” – the fear of experiencing shame.
7. It is often associated with a negative “shame story” about ourselves.
8. We needn’t recall the original source of the immediate shame, which usually originated in childhood or a prior trauma.
9. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy.
Quilt and Shame are often used interchangeably so it's worth noting there's a difference between the two: "Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake."
According to emotions researcher Sylvan Tompkins, the emotion of shame occurs as a result of the thwarting of positive emotions; or an experience of rejection when we reach out for connection. Like when a child expresses excitement to a parent who responds with disinterest, shame occurs when our joy goes unmatched, when our gifts are not acknowledged, or when we take a risk and experience failure. And while shame is certainly connected to overt experiences of childhood abuse or neglect, it is also the result of an accumulation of small and subtle rejections of your authentic self-expression. When left unhealed, shame can lead to a wide range of symptoms including depression, addictions, low self-esteem, and interpersonal problems. It's even been found that shame-proneness in fifth grade accurately predicts troubled behavior in young-adulthood, such drug and alcohol use, risky sexual behavior, legal involvement, suicide attempts, and degree of involvement or involvement with the community.
For anyone reading who struggles or has struggled with shame, feel free to share your own experiences.
I'm aware there maybe nothing new or revelatory about anything I'm posting here, but hope it might lead to an interesting conversation or two. Drawing from some of the well-rounded expositions available on the subject shame, if I were to list some of the more salient features, they would be as follows(ref: The Aspie Teacher):
1. It can hide in our unconscious, so that we’re unaware that we have shame.
2. When we experience shame, it lasts much longer.
3. The feelings and pain associated with shame are of greater intensity.
4. An external event isn’t required to trigger it. Our own thoughts can bring on feelings of shame.
5. It leads to shame spirals that cause depression and feelings of hopelessness and despair.
6. It causes chronic “shame anxiety” – the fear of experiencing shame.
7. It is often associated with a negative “shame story” about ourselves.
8. We needn’t recall the original source of the immediate shame, which usually originated in childhood or a prior trauma.
9. It creates deep feelings of inadequacy.
Quilt and Shame are often used interchangeably so it's worth noting there's a difference between the two: "Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake."
According to emotions researcher Sylvan Tompkins, the emotion of shame occurs as a result of the thwarting of positive emotions; or an experience of rejection when we reach out for connection. Like when a child expresses excitement to a parent who responds with disinterest, shame occurs when our joy goes unmatched, when our gifts are not acknowledged, or when we take a risk and experience failure. And while shame is certainly connected to overt experiences of childhood abuse or neglect, it is also the result of an accumulation of small and subtle rejections of your authentic self-expression. When left unhealed, shame can lead to a wide range of symptoms including depression, addictions, low self-esteem, and interpersonal problems. It's even been found that shame-proneness in fifth grade accurately predicts troubled behavior in young-adulthood, such drug and alcohol use, risky sexual behavior, legal involvement, suicide attempts, and degree of involvement or involvement with the community.
For anyone reading who struggles or has struggled with shame, feel free to share your own experiences.