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undesired (triggers, includes use of drugs)

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#1
A mind is a funny thing you know?

I'm not so sure if it's depression, but I've always had these periods where I'm just emotional, worse than I am when I'm on my period! And it's a dreadful set of emotions, it makes my life miserable.

I feel horrible all the time, even when I'm around my friends. Really, I still feel a bit lonely.

I'm still suicidal, and I do self harm myself.

I've fallen into drugs,
and an incident where I woke up,
my whole right arm slashed up from scissors.
I had never cut so hard in my life and my long sleeve shirt,
was stained with a decent amount of blood.

when I smoke to get high while drinking,
it seems to get even worse.
my miserable set of feelings towards myself and the world,
seems to catch on fire, like a field of grass in a fires path.
I get jealous, and I feel undesired. its come to the point,
even when I'm not under the influence, I tend to lash out,
and cut myself whenever I think of incidents where I feel unattractive
around men.

although my friends do drugs with the intent to have fun,
i've found myself wanting to smoke so much, so that i'll pass out forever,
or if i drink enough for my young body just to die from alcohal poisioning.
because after i pass out,
the sleep is so good.

i know this isn't good for the way i think.
the change of crowd, drugs just seems to heighten my worsen
state...

there's always this hole in the middle of me,
like i'm always lonely. i guess, i just need something to fill me up,
fill up that hole. because these horrid thoughts, and emotions
just plague me.
 
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