Undiagnosed BPD wrecking havoc.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by feathers, Feb 23, 2011.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Whenever anyone is romantically interested in me, or is in fact a new romantic partner, I always warn them of my mental issues. I tell them how our relationship will/would play out. "I might end up severely depressed like before. I might end up self harming again. I will definitely end up being extremely possessive, controlling, jealous, paranoid. I will be difficult to deal with. The relationship might seem fulfilling at first but then you will end up trapped in it because I might end up suicidal."

    That's pretty much what I said to my ex before I got with him. It's the warning I give anyone who is pursuing me. Yet, for some reason, they don't pay any attention. What is it? Is it that I am that desirable that someone is willing to put up with all of this? Unlikely. Deep into the troubles of my last relationship, my ex recognized that I had warned him and admitted that he did not expect it to be as bad as it was. Must have thought I was exaggerating. I am not. I am borderline insane. I get caught up in insane impulses that I can not say no to. This has resulted in me in the past, on the waiting list for a sex change, and on a seperate incident, not long ago, getting pregnant. I get suicidal. I get majorly depressed. I cut myself to cope with my depression. I cut myself to get my own way. I get upset and hate you over the tiniest of things. I constantly accuse you of things, cheating, lying, betraying. I demand the impossible. I make you feel terrible for not being able to provide the impossible. I put my life in your hands. I threaten suicide on a regular basis to get my own way, as a cry for help, to show you how much I am hurting inside. I have insane and unpredictable mood swings that turns me from the happy, excitable, "different in a good way" girl that you love, into a defenseless, broken child, lying on my bedroom floor, screaming, crying, pushing you away from me, because you can't help me.

    That's right. You can't help. You might think yourself a knight in shining armour. You might think you have the willpower to sit it out, to help me. That, if you love me no matter what, I will learn to trust, and I will get better. In reality, you can not help me. I only get worse. If there is nothing for me to worry about, my brain will invent something. If I feel bad, I lose touch with all that is good. I can't appreciate anything good in the world. I can't imagine ever being able to feel good again. Suicide seems to me like my only option and this can be all I talk about for months on end.

    Want to me with me? Prepare to live constantly in fear that one day, I will just never reply to your texts. Prepare to lie awake for hours at night, worrying that I am dead, because I'm not replying to your texts, when in reality I've just fallen asleep. Fear of the phone call telling you I've killed myself. Prepare to be criticized for everything I don't like about you. Prepare to be like a full-time parent looking after an untamable child, or more appropriately, a doctor looking after a mental patient. Imagine being controlled, manipulated. Yet at the same time, through all of the emotional abuse, prepare to feel that you are not good enough for me. Because hell, I can make you feel like that too.

    I don't mean it. Of course I don't. It's all unconscious behaviours. Defense mechanisms. Faulty thinking. I do lots of horrible, awful things. I have driven past boyfriends to self harm and suicide attempts. My behaviour has a massive impact on those who care about me. And if you think that any of this is horrible behaviour and that I am in control of it, think again. I don't want to be like this, I don't want people in relationships with me to suffer this.

    That is the reason why I always, ALWAYS warn people first, before they get involved.

    They never fucking listen.

    I say to them, listen to me. I am fucking crazy. You will get trapped in this relationship with a psycho, and you will not be able to get out of it. They say, "I'll manage," "You're good enough," "I'm better than your exes".

    Then, however many months down the line, they're bitching on Facebook or Tumblr about how their ex is a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH.

    Fucking CRAZY.

    A BITCH.

    A heartless COW.

    A *****.

    A TRANNY FREAK.

    A BABY-OBSESSED LUNATIC.

    These things hit me hard. I do stupid things, that I can't control. But at the same time I try my very, very hardest to avoid them, and to warn people to help them avoid it. Yet it always results in shit like the above. People claiming to discover, exactly what I warned them about months ago, and making me feel like shit for them.

    I've been told shit like;

    You're a psycho, I hate you. I regret everything.

    I wish I had never met you.

    I wish you had killed yourself already.

    I tried to kill myself, because of you.

    I'm cutting myself, because of you.

    This shit hurts. IT HURTS SO FUCKING BAD. BECAUSE I TRIED MY GODDAMN HARDEST YOU FUCKING ****S. I AM STILL TRYING MY GODDAMN HARDEST. EVERY FUCKING DAY. TO LIVE WITH ALL OF THIS SHIT AND THE EMOTIONAL TURMOIL IT CAUSES ME. I already hate myself. I already have far more issues than you could contemplate in your perfect fucking world. You do not need to add to my rock-bottom self esteem, nor my urge to kill myself. They are perfectly adequate already, thanks.

    But yeah, in case you're wondering. To those who don't know about Borderline Personality Disorder, it exists, and this is the havoc it causes. To those who don't believe it is real, it is. To the mental health 'professionals' who would rather flog me off with 'just depression' to save the time and money needed for the therapy that will save my life, THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

    Help me, somebody. Jesus Christ. I've been asking for long enough.
     
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    They don't pay attention because they've never been stung by it before. The top two things regretted by people according to a survey by Ryan North are 1) leaving money in an ATM (virtually 100% of people who do this regret it) and 2) not listening when a girl says she's screwed up.

    The real problem with borderline isn't that mental health professionals don't believe in it - they may even believe you have it. They're always unwilling to put harmful diagnoses forward, the closest I've gotten is a suspicion of bipolar disorder. And they can't really help you. Therapy for borderline is long, expensive, and almost always unsuccessful. Once you develop a relationship with the therapist, the starting point for therapy, you sabotage it because you've BPD.

    But you can learn some self-control on your own. I would suggest you begin practicing Buddhist meditation, the basis for the only BPD therapy that's been shown to be effective. It will help you gain better control of your emotions by providing you a tool to calm down. Any time you have any emotion out of control you need to slow your breathing (this calms your body and in turn emotions) and retreat into a calmer place in your head. http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=88210 This thread includes a short guide by me on basic meditation, as well as some others' thoughts on it.
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Funny you should mention that - I picked up a leaflet about meditation classes yesterday. Considering it.
     
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Please pursue it. It's basically all you can do, and with practice will allow you to control your emotions quite well - with lots of practice you can control them precisely: even a burning Buddhist monk is peaceful.
     
  5. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I will phone up and enquire as soon as I get the money. Thanks
     
  6. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Hmm... That's less than optimal. I'd say have a go at basic breath counting in the meantime.
     
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    By "when I get the money" I mean likely in 3 weeks time. So I'm not talking like, great amounts of time :p.
     
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    In 3 weeks you could become fairly skilled at meditation.
     
  9. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    have you ever thought of maybe not entering relationships? i understand the fear of abandonment is sometimes an issue with BPD and it's complex... truly.

    but what's the longest you've been single?
     
  10. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member


    I tried that. Spent the past month trying it. Ended up getting an attachment anyway. This wasn't a relationship really. I can't avoid getting into something like them as much as I try. And I realised yesterday when I got bad enough to OD that trying to avoid relationships was the worst idea i ever had.
     
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