I'm posting this here because I'm not really sure what do do at this point. I've been in a relationship for a year now, we met online but we've seen each other in person quite a few times already. We're meeting again in June. Though there's been a lot of bad things that happened in our past, we're together and strong. But because of things that happened in the past, I feel like I may be scarred somehow. I have manic depression/bipolar disorder. I know I have those for a fact, I was diagnosed with them. But I constantly get paranoid, anxious, and just a whole other mess of terrible feelings. I get these periods where I'll freak out about something, and get into such a downward spiral of negative feelings, it makes me feel absolutely terrible. I'll talk badly about myself, assume all the worst, and get terrified of things. And I don't want to feel like that anymore. I get like that almost every day, whether people know it or not. The main issue is that because of past events, I get afraid of my boyfriend doing things behind my back. We don't live in the same house yet. a year ago, after a lot of drama, he promised me he wouldn't talk to his ex anymore. But sometimes I still get afraid that he does talk to her. He's told me time and time again that he doesn't, but it's something I can't know for sure, so it scares me, a lot, all the time. And I don't know what to do to make that fear go away and fully trust him. He did a lot wrong to me in the past, and I guess it kinda messed with me. I don't think he understands that. But it's not really just the relationship it affects. It's so much. I get afraid and worried about things I'm not sure of, what if someone is talking about me behind my back? Is something bad going to happen today? Things like that. I never feels safe and it tears me apart. I also get very scared whenever I see anything relating to his ex, because of how she wronged us in the past. I just want to feel safe with my boyfriend and not go through freak outs like that so often. I want it to stop and I don't know what to do.