just helps to write it out. i keep looking in kitchean cupboards for anything but nothing is there that i want. though i shut my eyes and wish for what i want. go bed and curl up and just think of the possibilty that would be sleeping tablets. it would be so good to just sleep forever. then i could stop burdening everyone. people have "stood by me" but because i am way i am i don't want them no my truths and so "push them away" then the ones who found out i fake to now. im selfish bitch i no i been told. weird i been told go bed and sleep but if i do i dont want wake up. and i dont want sleep because sleep scares me. nothing matters anymore really. every hope and dream i had died when i lost my soul. i died inside and wish i had just died that night. wish my friends never found me. why they care/cared... all i done burden them more. i wish that my dad not picked me up had to "white lying" more to protective those i love but do all time now pushing away family, boyfriend, close friends, everyone. though thanks so called friends people found out and i just became numb until i had go back i broke down on my friend. though he seen me cry before only because he only person who known me for my trueself. though he took that to his adavantage but thats just more uneccessary rant. but i never cry again. without my soul i cant shed no more which is a benifit. what i want wont work, knowing my luck anyway and i havent got time to become ill. i just shut up. she said helps write things from my mind out instead locking them up inside the locked box inside me. though i had leave it on hear because ive lost privacy at home. sorry if this mithers anyone.