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Unevolved Emotionally...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cleve44116, May 6, 2009.

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  1. Cleve44116

    Cleve44116 New Member

    First-time forum member...long, long time sufferer of depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I have so many things going for me, I'm well-educated, make a comfortable living, a business owner, plenty of friends (although they have wives and kids, so I don't see them too much anymore), and a family that loves me (although some don't understand or have patience for my condition). Depsite all of these postives, I spend my days worry about EVERYTHING, I'm hyper-sensitive to any type of conflict, and, ultimately, I HATE myself for being like this...with so much going for me, I shouldn't need any help. Yet, here I am, I've been on meds for about twelve years - mediocre results, at best. Finally back to seeing a therapist in the past couple of months. He tells me that while my mind was evolving faster that normal, but emotions were barely evolving at all. It's like I'm still a little boy emotionally.

    Anyway, in the past week, things have gotten particuarly bad. I've had a 3+ year romantic relationship go in the tank. I had a friend and business associate hang himself. And I am COMPLETELY overwhelmed at work...hard to focus, too much to do, falling asleep at my desk, etc. All of which has my business partner pissed off at me because 'I have responsibilities,' which is very true.

    As my ex-girlfriend liked to point out, with so much going for me, what could I possibly have to worry about? Yet, I'm struggling to come to grips with the end of our relationship. It wasn't a healthy relationship, but I definately love her. She frequently accused me of being interested in her female work associates and my work associates, which was untrue - jealousy and trust issues. She disapproved of some porn that she found when we first started dating and so, respecting her moral views, I compimised and I voluntarily threw away my few disks, had an IT guy bulk erase the hard drive, and promised not to watch it anyhore....nothing worked. She always just 'knew' that I was still watching it, even thought I wasn't - even more trust issues. She let her dogs, who I dearly love, destroy my house by chewing up furniture, chewing up walls, chewing up shoes, peeing on beds and sofas, etc. and she did nothing - a complete lack of respect. She tried to hide some of the damage the dogs did, like chewing up a video game joystick and an old baseball signed by a bunch of former major league stars. Somehow the ball and joystick got chewed up, yet ended up back on the four-foot high bookcase...an amazing trick for a dog - deceite and dishonesty. Plus, when I tried to get involved in her activities, she would claim that I has trying to 'steal her friends,' instead of just being supportive - insecurity and paranoia. I could go on, but anyway, it wasn't a healthy relationship. And don't get me wrong, I'm WELL AWARE that living me me can't be a picinic. BUT.....how can my mind intellectually tell me that the relationship wasn't healthy, but my emotionals are still rolling out of control - ruminating about her and 'all the good times' and the memories - but only the positive ones, of course.. I'm smarter than this!

    Toss in my friend and business associate hanging himself. He was one of the happiest people I've ever known. Add to that a workingplace that's in chaos, because of me. I can't concentrate on anything...you wouldn't believe the stacks of stuff that I need to do. And all I can think about is my ex, my friend, and taking the easy way out. Overwhelmed doesn't come close to the way that I feel. I tell my mind to stop thinking about the past relationship...yet on the ruminations go. I remind myself that, in time, I'll be better off, yet the ruminations go on. I tell my mind to stop thinking about my friend...yet the ruminations go on. Believe it or not, I find myself envious of my friend who committed suicide. At least his suffering, whatever it was, is over.

    My therapist says that it's going to take months and months of hard work before I get better. And it all starts with diet, excercise, and sleep. I'm forty-year-old professional businessman. I don't have time to eat right, exercise, and get a 'good night's sleep. Hell, last night, I woke up at 2:00, 4:00, and 6:00, worring about everything under the sun, before getting up at 6:30 in a state of complete panic - anxiety, tears, and negative self talk. I worked hard to tell myself to 'STOP' thinking about things. But my mind just laughs at me and keeps going on. During the day, when my emotions get the best of my, I hide in the bathroom till I can compose myself. It's a truely pathetic existance.

    If this 'as good as it gets,' I want out. I really do welcome ALL feedback, but would particularly appreciate any comments from people 'like me' - single, middle-aged business professionals, who struggle with the same inner turmoil that I do.

    Thanks for your thoughts and feedback.

  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all, welcome to the forum. It's okay to need help, and to ask for it.

    I don't have a lot of advice, because I've never been in your exact situation. But I know the feeling of anxiety all too well, how you try to tell your mind to stop thinking about something, and it just doesn't listen.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome and so glad you found us...each of us has a public and private life which varies significantly...unfortunately, yours has been stressed beyond belief...please know that there are many ppl here who can relate and can support you...please PM me if I can be any help...big hugs, J
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