So last summer all was going well at the beginning. Then my girlfriend at the time and I start fighting every day, I got hooked on cocaine, lost her and a good majority of my friends for that month long binge. I wasn't even aware how strung out I was until someone told me that one of my coworkers/ex-friends told my dealer not to sell to me anymore. After this realization that I was half a step away from being the crackhead mascot of my city, I popped a bunch of vicodin, oxycontin and chugged some vodka. Unfortunately, I didn't take enough and only ended up with a 2-day hangover. Since then, I've given up that, smoking, and drinking, and lost the rest of my friends (who enjoy these vices with no problems). Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to that for the numbing that it provided. Since my sobriety, every little thing that goes wrong sets me off. My job at a pizza restaurant (probably the best I'll do - I'll touch on this later) gets extremely busy - I have a panic attack. I play solitaire and lose - my keyboard gets punched. I played poker tonight and lost $6 - not a lot, but it made me feel like I wasted my money and will never win again. I just turned 19 and still live with my parents. My job only provides me with $1000-$1100 a month, not enough to rent out a room and still eat. However, I don't know how to do much better. I dropped out of high school my junior year after one of the counselors had me placed in a psych ward for screaming at him "The hell with this school, I'd rather kill myself than spend another day here!" I have enrolled in a community college since then, but last fall I got a 0.9 GPA and failed two classes, effectively ruining my ability to transfer into a 4-year state university. Part of me tells myself that I look good, that if I played it right I could have just about any girlfriend. What good does that do me when the only really serious relationship that i just got out of only occurred because one of my friends at the time rejected her and she needed a rebound? Besides, it seems that anyone who spends more than a few months around me regrets ever doing so. I can't even bring myself to talk to new people anymore to try and get a fresh start. Wouldn't people approach me if I was worthwhile, or am I lying to myself in the first sentence of this paragraph? The bottom line: I lack the social skills and independence to be able to live on my own without ending up homeless in a few months, and will probably spend the rest of my life alone. American society has all but eliminated natural selection, which is unfortunate; I need to be weeded out of the gene pool for your own good.