Unfixable.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EvolutionFails, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. So last summer all was going well at the beginning. Then my girlfriend at the time and I start fighting every day, I got hooked on cocaine, lost her and a good majority of my friends for that month long binge. I wasn't even aware how strung out I was until someone told me that one of my coworkers/ex-friends told my dealer not to sell to me anymore. After this realization that I was half a step away from being the crackhead mascot of my city, I popped a bunch of vicodin, oxycontin and chugged some vodka. Unfortunately, I didn't take enough and only ended up with a 2-day hangover.

    Since then, I've given up that, smoking, and drinking, and lost the rest of my friends (who enjoy these vices with no problems). Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to that for the numbing that it provided. Since my sobriety, every little thing that goes wrong sets me off. My job at a pizza restaurant (probably the best I'll do - I'll touch on this later) gets extremely busy - I have a panic attack. I play solitaire and lose - my keyboard gets punched. I played poker tonight and lost $6 - not a lot, but it made me feel like I wasted my money and will never win again.

    I just turned 19 and still live with my parents. My job only provides me with $1000-$1100 a month, not enough to rent out a room and still eat. However, I don't know how to do much better. I dropped out of high school my junior year after one of the counselors had me placed in a psych ward for screaming at him "The hell with this school, I'd rather kill myself than spend another day here!" I have enrolled in a community college since then, but last fall I got a 0.9 GPA and failed two classes, effectively ruining my ability to transfer into a 4-year state university.

    Part of me tells myself that I look good, that if I played it right I could have just about any girlfriend. What good does that do me when the only really serious relationship that i just got out of only occurred because one of my friends at the time rejected her and she needed a rebound? Besides, it seems that anyone who spends more than a few months around me regrets ever doing so. I can't even bring myself to talk to new people anymore to try and get a fresh start. Wouldn't people approach me if I was worthwhile, or am I lying to myself in the first sentence of this paragraph?

    The bottom line: I lack the social skills and independence to be able to live on my own without ending up homeless in a few months, and will probably spend the rest of my life alone. American society has all but eliminated natural selection, which is unfortunate; I need to be weeded out of the gene pool for your own good.
     
  2. I see you all browsing through here - may I please get some false hope?
     
  3. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You are very young. Keep going to community college and force yourself to study and go to class. After a year you can transfer to a university and finish your degree. If that doesn't happen, I know people with no college degree who make over 100, 000 dollars per year. You will eventually get a better job. Even if you stayed at the pizza place (which you probably will not), I know a guy who was a waiter at Outback 10 years ago and now he owns his own Outback restaurant and he just bought a house. He never went to college. Try to calm down and set goals for yourself. The social aspect will come once you start feeling better about yourself.
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Evolution. I'm glad to hear that you have given up drinking and drugs, that is a good start. I think you're being too hard on yourself and have too high expectations. Life has its ups and downs. All we can do is deal with it as it comes. Try to hang in there and I'm sure that things will get better in time.
     
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