-----Unforgetable-----A little graphic...

Discussion in 'Rape & Abuse' started by indimenticabile, Sep 4, 2006.

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  1. Sorry this is so long

    Ok, well this is my first time on this site, I have been on the site ALOT, reading peoples stories and questioning if i should post or not. Well, i've decided to tell my story. I have PTSD from being raped three and half years ago, I knew my rapist which to me makes it even worse. The past few months haven't been to bad with the flash backs and nightmares, but last week, I saw my rapist when I was at a resturant. Going back three and half years....i'll tell you my story

    I was 16, Jayson was 19, We dated for about 5 months. He lived across the river from me so we didn't get to see eachother all that often, but when we did, we had a great time together, we would hold hands, watch movies, make out...just be teenagers, having fun together. Well, on a few occasions, we would take the sexual relationship a little farther, not sex, just messing around. I was a virgin and didn't want to lose my virginity at that time in my life. Well...about the last month of our relationship, he really started pushing the sex issue, when I would say no, he would start to call me a tease and a bitch and tell me that he would get it from someone else. Well, he invited me over one night and I went into his room and he was sleeping with another girl, he wanted me to see him doing it. Needless to say, I left, never to go back. Well about a month later, he called me up and asked me to come over cus he wanted to talk, he was appologizing on the phone and saying how much he missed me and he was so sorry and all this crap. Well, I am all about forgiving people. I would have never gone out with him again, but I would have forgave him for what he did to me. Well I went over to his house and he gave me a hug and said how much he missed me and he was soo sorry for what he did to me. And he came up with every excuse in the book for why he did that. Well anyways, we ended up going in his basement and playing pool and he got behind me to try to show me how to shoot and I kinda pushed him off me and so like 10 minutes late he tried it again, only this time, he grabbed my inner thigh on my right leg and I turned around and looked at him and said Jay what do you think your going to accomplish by doing that, and he was like I just missed you so much I just figured maybe you'd give us another try, and i just told him no i dont think so and i think its time for me to leave. well he kinda had me pinned up against the pool table and I asked him to move so I could leave, and he was like yeah just one more hug. And I was like fine but then I have to go. So I hugged him and as I was pulling away, he kissed me and I pushed him off of me and slapped him cus I was pissed. Well. slapping him wasn't the best idea because he hit me back and called me a stupid whore and a slut and that I deserve what is coming to me and that he's going to make me his. Well after he hit me, I screamed, but no one was home, he took me by my throat and threw me against the wall. He was much bigger than I was. He held me by my throat pinned against the wall and started feeling me up and telling me that I deserve this and that i'm a little slut and i'm gonna be his. Well I kept trying to push him away, but he just wouldn't stop, Eventually I kneed him where I thought I would hurt him, but it only pissed him off even more, he hit me again and squeezed my neck even harder, and started to strangle me, he had a switchblade in his pocket that he pulled out and put against my face and told me if I tried something like that again, he would kill me, well he eventually squeezed my neck so hard, I blacked out. When I woke up, I was naked and tied to his bed, he was standing over me, saying wake up baby, wake up, I want you to be awake for this. I just wanted to stay knocked out...I begged and I pleaded with him to not do this, but it just seemed to make him want to do it even more. I was crying so hard, i could hardly breath. I couldn't belive that I was going to lose my virginity like this. He started out fingering me, and saying oh you're so tight, you're going to love this, and then he raped me. During the rape, every time I would close my eyes, he would hit me and tell me to keep watching and stop crying. when it was over, he un-tied me and said get the hell out of my house you stupid whore. I dont even remember getting dressed or driving home. I slept for about 3 days straight and wouldn't stop showering. I scrubbed every part of my body until I was raw. nothing helped, at the time, my family was away on vacation for 2 weeks. I never went to the hospital, i never went to the police and i regret it every day. For a long time I kept telling myself that it didn't happen. Before the rape, i was a dedicated student, on a national volleyball team, and never skipped a day of class. After it, my grades fell to D's, I stopped playing volleyball, started drinking, and smoking and my attendence was about one class a week. I burried the rape for a long time, until I met Mickey. We started dating and were getting pretty serious about 6 months down the road, we attempted to have sex. That's when the flashbacks started I had my frst one while we were attempting to have sex. It was almost as worse as the actual rape. I started screaming and crying and mickey, didn't know what happened. Well, I felt like then was a good time to tell him, so I did, expecting him to dump me, but he suprised me....well mickey is a whole nother story some other time. Anyways, it's been 3 and a half years since the rape and I was doing really well and then I saw my rapist, my worst fear. Since then, I can't sleep for more than 20 min at a time without having a nightmare, and I can barely have sex with Mickey. I just dont know what to do...for the first time since the rape, i'm beginning to think about suicide again, and I just dont know what to do, i'm on the verge of a breakdown and I just dont know...:sad:
     
  2. Manically Depressed

    Manically Depressed Active Member

    Im so sorry to hear this story. Its good that you posted it though. Now we can try and help you. First of all,do not try to bury this memory. You have to let it all out. Posting here is a step in the right direction for you. I understand it may be the worst thing that can happen to a person. But being as open as you can about it to your family and true friends is going to help tremendously. Just know you are not the only person whom has been through this horrible experience. I know a few girls whom have been through it. They were the same as you,they wanted to just try and act as though it never happened and black out the memory but of course it kept coming back again and again. Once they decided to be open and talk about it,they started to get better. Now they are doing pretty great. So that's my advice is to try and be open and talk about it. If ya need to talk you can PM me anytime.
     
  3. lostsoul21

    lostsoul21 Active Member

    I am so sorry for what you had to go through. The peice of shit that did this to you deserves to go to prison for a very long time. I highly suggest going to the police, it is truly never too late. If you feel ashamed about telling your story, I can understand that, and I'm very proud that you atleast shared it with us. But please truly consider telling someone close to you about this. beleive that the son of a bitch that did this to you should share a cell with a 500 pound who likes younger male convicts :wink:. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me...I would be glad to talk.

    Stay Strong,

    LostSoul
     
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    im proud of you for posting that, buring what happen will only make it worse, you need to let it out and you'v made the first step by telling us at SF. Its never too late to tell the police, many women report rapes from many years ago and the person responsible in many cases has been punished for what they did, so please consider telling the police, it will help heal what happened in the past and also it will stop him doing it to anyone else thats if he hasn't allready. Normally once someone commits a rape they intend on doing it again, so please consider telling the police before it can happen again.

    take care

    vikki x
     
  5. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    thank you for posting your story, i know it must have been very hard. And i also think that you should tell someone, although i know that can be hard. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me
    :hug: FTC
     
  6. Mio

    Mio Well-Known Member

    Hey…
    My name’s Mio, nice to meet you, hun
    About your pain, I can imagine what you feel, because I have very similar situation (but with my stepfather). He didn’t rape me, but he sexually abused me for almost 2 years.
    Hun, I will pray for you. And you also pray, please, please let God come to your heart. He is really tender and attentive friend and healer. He’s healing me. Jesus is the only one who can take your pain away. He has the power. The real power. He will save you from all your nightmares and from the pain in your heart. Probably you’ve already heard about it and maybe you’re disappointed in life and don’t believe that He really can change your life, but… sweetheart… He REALLY can. Please, please, please, trust me.
    I send you my hugs and you’re in my prayers.
    If you need me, please, pm (private message)me.

    :hug:
    :hug:
    :hug:

    Mio
     
  7. I would love for God to heal me...but after the rape, I don't have faith, I know thats an aweful thing to say, but How could such a loving and powerfull being, let somthing like that happen to someone he loves??? I just dont belive that God can help. I'm sorry
     
  8. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    i was totally shocked by your post, but not in a bad way. you are amasing to be able to talk to openly and in such detail about the events that occured, and for that you should be proud, because it takes a lot of guts to do that. i know that there is nothing that could be said by me or anyone else here to suddenly take away the pain, but we can help you get through day by day. if you ever need to chat you can talk to me on pm or msn
     
  9. rachypooh

    rachypooh Well-Known Member

    That is so great you shared what you went through. I have been through similar things. It took me over five years to say anything. Going to the police even after this time might help you to heal, even if it is just to report it and not do anything about it. I did that and it helped me come to terms with it. I still blame myself at times.
    And like you I lost my faith after I went through it, more so because it happened more than once. I didnt think there was a God, because he let me go through so much. Just wanted to let you know where I am coming from.
    Ever need to talk PM me, any time about anything

    Rach
     
  10. ~26May_4eva~

    ~26May_4eva~ Guest

    aww i'm so, so sorry to hear what happened.. that was so sad... :hug: i'm glad that you're telling someone, i know how hard it is to tell something like this.. but good luck for whatever you do! hope you'll be with Mickey forever ^^
     
  11. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Please find your nearest Rape crisis centre, they will only be too glad to help. You need all the backing you can get and they can help you either to come to terms with what happened or point you in the direction of a therapist who will be able to help. The damage cannot be undone but it can be dealt with and put where it belongs..in the past.

    Meantime I would love half an hour with this bastard, I have a base ball bat I'd like him to meet :mad:
     
  12. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Oh sweetheart... :hug:

    I am so so sorry that you have had this experience. No one deserves to go through what you went through, and the guy who did that is the lowest of the low. My heart goes out to you.

    I was sexually abused by my mum's ex for about a year and a half. Though he never fully raped me (thankfully!), a lot of your story really spoke to me and stirred up a lot of memories. I had to take quite some time to read it. I think we have a lot of experiences in common and I want you to know that you are not alone and that if you want someone to talk to then I am here for you :arms:.

    Like you, I found out the hard way that fighting back can actually make things worse (as my therapist was explaining to me, the people who do this kind of thing are usually so very messed up that it's just part of the fun). I've been threatened with a knife. A lot of the sick things that guy told you when he was abusing you, my abuser said to me too. I've been smacked about for shutting my eyes. After my mum finally ditched the guy, I burried the memories. It wasn't like I actually forgot, but I just didn't think about it at all. Then I was triggered last summer and the PTSD kicked in.

    Since then my life has been hell. Flashbacks and nightmares and irrational paranoia rule everything I do. I can empathise in terms of the grades and attendance, the drinking and the smoking. And I have a boyfriend who deserves an awful lot of credit just for putting up with me, I think. I find any sexual situation very difficult so we have that in common too.

    I hope you don't think I'm trying to minimise your experience by likening things that are true for you with things that are true for me. Because I'm actually doing precisely the opposite. I'm just trying to tell you that you are not alone and I fully understand how you are feeling. How hard it is.

    I can't say I've recovered, because I'm a long way off that. I think we're in a very similar place right now. But it might be of help to both of us to have someone like us to talk to. Just a thought :smile:.

    The other thing I want to say is that this site is fantastic. A real life-line :smile:. So I'm really glad you found it and I hope you make the most of all the support and friendship on offer here.

    Take care. Sorry this post is so long :unsure: .

    :hug:

    ~Nobody~ x
     
  13. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Ha, oh great. I only just realised that this thread had been dragged up from ages ago. I assumed it was new when I replied.

    So now I have opened my heart to someone who was last online on the 17th of September 2006 and has 3 posts.
     
  14. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    wow. it was really creepy reading your story since mine is almost identicle.
    im posting it in the forum in another thread (this is your space)
    pm me if you want to talk

    take care sweetie
    rosalie
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2007
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