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Sorry this is so long
Ok, well this is my first time on this site, I have been on the site ALOT, reading peoples stories and questioning if i should post or not. Well, i've decided to tell my story. I have PTSD from being raped three and half years ago, I knew my rapist which to me makes it even worse. The past few months haven't been to bad with the flash backs and nightmares, but last week, I saw my rapist when I was at a resturant. Going back three and half years....i'll tell you my story
I was 16, Jayson was 19, We dated for about 5 months. He lived across the river from me so we didn't get to see eachother all that often, but when we did, we had a great time together, we would hold hands, watch movies, make out...just be teenagers, having fun together. Well, on a few occasions, we would take the sexual relationship a little farther, not sex, just messing around. I was a virgin and didn't want to lose my virginity at that time in my life. Well...about the last month of our relationship, he really started pushing the sex issue, when I would say no, he would start to call me a tease and a bitch and tell me that he would get it from someone else. Well, he invited me over one night and I went into his room and he was sleeping with another girl, he wanted me to see him doing it. Needless to say, I left, never to go back. Well about a month later, he called me up and asked me to come over cus he wanted to talk, he was appologizing on the phone and saying how much he missed me and he was so sorry and all this crap. Well, I am all about forgiving people. I would have never gone out with him again, but I would have forgave him for what he did to me. Well I went over to his house and he gave me a hug and said how much he missed me and he was soo sorry for what he did to me. And he came up with every excuse in the book for why he did that. Well anyways, we ended up going in his basement and playing pool and he got behind me to try to show me how to shoot and I kinda pushed him off me and so like 10 minutes late he tried it again, only this time, he grabbed my inner thigh on my right leg and I turned around and looked at him and said Jay what do you think your going to accomplish by doing that, and he was like I just missed you so much I just figured maybe you'd give us another try, and i just told him no i dont think so and i think its time for me to leave. well he kinda had me pinned up against the pool table and I asked him to move so I could leave, and he was like yeah just one more hug. And I was like fine but then I have to go. So I hugged him and as I was pulling away, he kissed me and I pushed him off of me and slapped him cus I was pissed. Well. slapping him wasn't the best idea because he hit me back and called me a stupid whore and a slut and that I deserve what is coming to me and that he's going to make me his. Well after he hit me, I screamed, but no one was home, he took me by my throat and threw me against the wall. He was much bigger than I was. He held me by my throat pinned against the wall and started feeling me up and telling me that I deserve this and that i'm a little slut and i'm gonna be his. Well I kept trying to push him away, but he just wouldn't stop, Eventually I kneed him where I thought I would hurt him, but it only pissed him off even more, he hit me again and squeezed my neck even harder, and started to strangle me, he had a switchblade in his pocket that he pulled out and put against my face and told me if I tried something like that again, he would kill me, well he eventually squeezed my neck so hard, I blacked out. When I woke up, I was naked and tied to his bed, he was standing over me, saying wake up baby, wake up, I want you to be awake for this. I just wanted to stay knocked out...I begged and I pleaded with him to not do this, but it just seemed to make him want to do it even more. I was crying so hard, i could hardly breath. I couldn't belive that I was going to lose my virginity like this. He started out fingering me, and saying oh you're so tight, you're going to love this, and then he raped me. During the rape, every time I would close my eyes, he would hit me and tell me to keep watching and stop crying. when it was over, he un-tied me and said get the hell out of my house you stupid whore. I dont even remember getting dressed or driving home. I slept for about 3 days straight and wouldn't stop showering. I scrubbed every part of my body until I was raw. nothing helped, at the time, my family was away on vacation for 2 weeks. I never went to the hospital, i never went to the police and i regret it every day. For a long time I kept telling myself that it didn't happen. Before the rape, i was a dedicated student, on a national volleyball team, and never skipped a day of class. After it, my grades fell to D's, I stopped playing volleyball, started drinking, and smoking and my attendence was about one class a week. I burried the rape for a long time, until I met Mickey. We started dating and were getting pretty serious about 6 months down the road, we attempted to have sex. That's when the flashbacks started I had my frst one while we were attempting to have sex. It was almost as worse as the actual rape. I started screaming and crying and mickey, didn't know what happened. Well, I felt like then was a good time to tell him, so I did, expecting him to dump me, but he suprised me....well mickey is a whole nother story some other time. Anyways, it's been 3 and a half years since the rape and I was doing really well and then I saw my rapist, my worst fear. Since then, I can't sleep for more than 20 min at a time without having a nightmare, and I can barely have sex with Mickey. I just dont know what to do...for the first time since the rape, i'm beginning to think about suicide again, and I just dont know what to do, i'm on the verge of a breakdown and I just dont know...:sad:
Ok, well this is my first time on this site, I have been on the site ALOT, reading peoples stories and questioning if i should post or not. Well, i've decided to tell my story. I have PTSD from being raped three and half years ago, I knew my rapist which to me makes it even worse. The past few months haven't been to bad with the flash backs and nightmares, but last week, I saw my rapist when I was at a resturant. Going back three and half years....i'll tell you my story
I was 16, Jayson was 19, We dated for about 5 months. He lived across the river from me so we didn't get to see eachother all that often, but when we did, we had a great time together, we would hold hands, watch movies, make out...just be teenagers, having fun together. Well, on a few occasions, we would take the sexual relationship a little farther, not sex, just messing around. I was a virgin and didn't want to lose my virginity at that time in my life. Well...about the last month of our relationship, he really started pushing the sex issue, when I would say no, he would start to call me a tease and a bitch and tell me that he would get it from someone else. Well, he invited me over one night and I went into his room and he was sleeping with another girl, he wanted me to see him doing it. Needless to say, I left, never to go back. Well about a month later, he called me up and asked me to come over cus he wanted to talk, he was appologizing on the phone and saying how much he missed me and he was so sorry and all this crap. Well, I am all about forgiving people. I would have never gone out with him again, but I would have forgave him for what he did to me. Well I went over to his house and he gave me a hug and said how much he missed me and he was soo sorry for what he did to me. And he came up with every excuse in the book for why he did that. Well anyways, we ended up going in his basement and playing pool and he got behind me to try to show me how to shoot and I kinda pushed him off me and so like 10 minutes late he tried it again, only this time, he grabbed my inner thigh on my right leg and I turned around and looked at him and said Jay what do you think your going to accomplish by doing that, and he was like I just missed you so much I just figured maybe you'd give us another try, and i just told him no i dont think so and i think its time for me to leave. well he kinda had me pinned up against the pool table and I asked him to move so I could leave, and he was like yeah just one more hug. And I was like fine but then I have to go. So I hugged him and as I was pulling away, he kissed me and I pushed him off of me and slapped him cus I was pissed. Well. slapping him wasn't the best idea because he hit me back and called me a stupid whore and a slut and that I deserve what is coming to me and that he's going to make me his. Well after he hit me, I screamed, but no one was home, he took me by my throat and threw me against the wall. He was much bigger than I was. He held me by my throat pinned against the wall and started feeling me up and telling me that I deserve this and that i'm a little slut and i'm gonna be his. Well I kept trying to push him away, but he just wouldn't stop, Eventually I kneed him where I thought I would hurt him, but it only pissed him off even more, he hit me again and squeezed my neck even harder, and started to strangle me, he had a switchblade in his pocket that he pulled out and put against my face and told me if I tried something like that again, he would kill me, well he eventually squeezed my neck so hard, I blacked out. When I woke up, I was naked and tied to his bed, he was standing over me, saying wake up baby, wake up, I want you to be awake for this. I just wanted to stay knocked out...I begged and I pleaded with him to not do this, but it just seemed to make him want to do it even more. I was crying so hard, i could hardly breath. I couldn't belive that I was going to lose my virginity like this. He started out fingering me, and saying oh you're so tight, you're going to love this, and then he raped me. During the rape, every time I would close my eyes, he would hit me and tell me to keep watching and stop crying. when it was over, he un-tied me and said get the hell out of my house you stupid whore. I dont even remember getting dressed or driving home. I slept for about 3 days straight and wouldn't stop showering. I scrubbed every part of my body until I was raw. nothing helped, at the time, my family was away on vacation for 2 weeks. I never went to the hospital, i never went to the police and i regret it every day. For a long time I kept telling myself that it didn't happen. Before the rape, i was a dedicated student, on a national volleyball team, and never skipped a day of class. After it, my grades fell to D's, I stopped playing volleyball, started drinking, and smoking and my attendence was about one class a week. I burried the rape for a long time, until I met Mickey. We started dating and were getting pretty serious about 6 months down the road, we attempted to have sex. That's when the flashbacks started I had my frst one while we were attempting to have sex. It was almost as worse as the actual rape. I started screaming and crying and mickey, didn't know what happened. Well, I felt like then was a good time to tell him, so I did, expecting him to dump me, but he suprised me....well mickey is a whole nother story some other time. Anyways, it's been 3 and a half years since the rape and I was doing really well and then I saw my rapist, my worst fear. Since then, I can't sleep for more than 20 min at a time without having a nightmare, and I can barely have sex with Mickey. I just dont know what to do...for the first time since the rape, i'm beginning to think about suicide again, and I just dont know what to do, i'm on the verge of a breakdown and I just dont know...:sad:
