Unforseen thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Unforseen, Dec 11, 2015.

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  1. Unforseen

    Unforseen New Member

    Two yrs ago, my family left me. Not the family you were born with, but the family u choose to be with. My real family always bounced in n out of my life. My best friend took me in. We had this dream, get rich, buy a big house so both families could be together. Since we were like in separatable anyway. Also, I helped raised her child from birth to age 5. She actually threw me out of her life after 11 yrs of knowing her and 5 yrs of her kid. I don't speak to them, she don't respond. I tried to move on, stated half way acrossed the state twice now. Life keeps bringing me back to this same town they live in. You wanna talk about a path that God sets out for u, Clearly noted I have to do something here. I just don't know what. I feel like all my choices, regardless of how hard I try to stay positive, result in me just letting go and let God judge me. It feels like my last chance to watch my goddaughter grow up. I miss her that bad. It's not the person, my friend I miss. It is her daughter more than anything. Of course I miss her too, but she hurt me pretty bad. Ditching me on several occasions, making me feel like I wasn't good enough as person to be around. She threw me away after 11 yrs like I was never her friend, her family. The more I think about this all. The more I want to think no matter how hard I fight, stay sober, and keep going; my end result will be my hand and waiting for God to judge my heart. It feels like it is all pushing me there. At this point, idk why I'm bothering to say anything. The last place I went, didn't even respond to me. Chat rooms ignored me. I don't expect anything different but just wanted to get this out of my head and onto somewhere.
     
  2. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Hi Unforseen,

    So sorry about that happened to you with your family and your friend. If you miss your goddaughter that much, why don't you send her a christmascard and tell her that you do? Maybe that is an idea. It suck to miss someone.

    About the chatrooms, sorry you've been ignored. Im in there a lot, not always active tho. But if you want to talk, you can always send me a PM.

    Take care x
     
  3. Unforseen

    Unforseen New Member

    I would love to send something, but the last conversation I did speak with her mother in Aug. Basically told me she wouldn't give it to her anyway. I sent an email, with a voice recording so she would know I didn't miss her daughters birthday. I waited like an idiot for a response. Stayed up 3 days so I wouldn't miss a call, miss a text, an email, I wouldn't miss my chance to her my goddaughters voice again. She told me the way I feel isn't normal. The plans, the dream she said just wasn't there. She said friends like us don't exist. I trusted her with my life. She was a lie. She made me think I wasn't good enough. She had many health problems, low immune system before her kid was born. I helped her put by paying her bills for her, rent for her part, bought cars for her, and she basically used me. She was the closest thing I had to a family. Her family bought me Christmas presents when we were friends. I thought they adopted me too. I trusted her family. I helped hide her pill popping problem by hiding it from ppl, helping her control it. I didn't know that it was getting worse. Then I had some medical issues going on, cuz she made me think I was crazy. I was on and off so many medications myself. Bad fall out and I belived anything anyone told me at that time cuz the medication was trial and error. It's not an excuse, it influenced my judgment. I never got to tell my old friend I never trusted her completly until 6 years later after meeting her. I finially left my guard down, and she was trying to date ppl. But it was like she had so low standards for who she dated. We fought about that on and off. I told her she had a kid now, so u just can't date anyone. And she is known for using men cuz she is afraid to be alone. We were a team. She kept me in check, I kept her in check. She was the first person I truly trusted in my life. I even tried dating myself, she gave me hope my life wasn't just going to be career oriented, going to school, my friendship with her, and her daughter. She gave me hope that all the bad cards I've dealt in life, she was like my lucky charm in life. I can't belive how much she really meant to me, but I understand that she feels that I'm not fit for her n e life. After all the hard times we went through, she pulled me back when I fell down, I returned the favor, and she gave me a person to belive in. Her daughter truly cared about me. She sparked this light inside of me. I felt good about everything I was doing when i really applied myself. Every accomplishment I've had since then, doesn't feel fulfilling. I'm noticing more and more that my family, the blood family, takes advantage of me more than anything. At least it feels like it more and more. I'm just like in a limbo land. I'm number but the sight of a kid, brings tears to my eyes. Can't hardly watch a movie. I'm barely making it through my classes. As hard as I fight to stay above the water, each wave keels bringing me down and it keeps going back and forth. I'm not sure what to do. I honestly feel hopeless, n not worthy of anything. Mostly cuz I miss this child, whom I'm assuming since I was kicked out her life no matter how good I was for her. I feel they r complete strangers to me now, yet at the same time I feel like they were here yesterday, and all this was a dream. Just a nightmare dream. I'd mail and keep trying to communicate but it is only hurting me and her daughter is only 7. She doesn't get the mail. I'm not even sure what she knows of me anymore. I'm banking on them (her new life, friends, and family) talking bad about me and she hears it. I'm not sure but I feel knumb, feel like a hole is burning inside me, I could yell, I could cry, I could go back to drinking and it doesn't matter what I do. Even if I studied more, I'd still feel pointless in my life regardless. I want to adopt a child, but I feel like it would be replacing her but I know it's not. I'm not sure if I'd be doing myself more harm, or if I'd find a way to process my happiness. Right now dating and companionship is not on my agenda because I feel like I'd be using a person and I make mistakes, than I have. I'm at a loss. If I try to contact, I'll never know if she gets it. Being ignored for not being good enough, cuz I'm defective. And every day that passes, dude this is just almost too much for one person, for me. Idk what the right or wrong choice is. I do know I am confident I'm going to fail two of my classes because I fell into a depression setting for almost two weeks. I just barely made it to work. Then come back and sleep. I fail that class I have to pay it regardless and I lose money that I don't have. It is rediculous what life can throw at u. It's not normal to stay positive, trying like I am takes all the energy out of myself. I'm literally lost in my head and there is no exit door. My mind says let it go, but like I said any kid that resembles her- tears me up opens that wound again. I pass them by accident, or my old friends sister or her mom, and I feel it all over. I'm starting to feel disgusted with myself.
     
  4. Beautiful Disaster

    Beautiful Disaster Forum Buddy SF Supporter

    Aww, I understand you have been very loyal towards your mother and now she isnt supporting you. I know that as a kid it's nice to get validation from your mother and not getting it from her must be heartbreaking. It's easy for me to say, but look for acceptence within yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are going through a very hard time, so yeah, you feel some classes. That sucks, but it isnt the end of the world.

    About contacting your friends daughter. Maybe now is not the time, you have been trying so hard. Try to let it be, maybe in a few years, when she is older, you can contact her and tell her your side of the story. Good things come to those who wait. So maybe not know, but somewhere in the future.

    Adopting a kid is nice, but make sure you are stable. Mentally and financially. You want to give a child a fair change and it's beautiful if you can provide it. But make sure you can do that first.

    So tell me, what do you go to school for? What do you want to become?
     
  5. Unforseen

    Unforseen New Member

    Oh for sure, I don't contact them. Last contact was due to a dt who we both owed together; the dt passed away, so she will have to follow up with the courts but i didn't want her to get mail about that and not know what is going on her new life prevents from taking the remaining debt sued to her. I let her know that a paper will be sent to her but didn't want her to think I was putting on her. I let her know to file up in the paperwor
    Just doing the right thing letting her know. Let her know I miss her daughter every day and tell the moon good night : imagining she is actually getting the messages but doubt it. Businesses administration, bachelor degree, and find no enjoyment fron it.
     
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