• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

unhappy at work

shelled1

unbelonger
SF Supporter
#1
[This is a repost just because I put the same text in another forum that I forgot doesn't allow replies and I don't know where to post argh]
I haven't been here in about a year. I had higher hopes for this year but then the pandemic came and now other changes regarding work that took me out of my safe routine. I don't know if I'm even welcome here but oh well, what's new.

Anyway, my rant (which portrays my loser self):

I am newly employed as a remote full-time employee (but had worked at the company as a contractor). Every day my team has a video meeting which isn't so bad, just getting updates.

It's meeting with the whole or other company employees that terrifies me. Every Friday we have an hour long company wide meeting, and now I find out once in a while they do a thing where every one has to say something they are happy about on video chat. Today was that day (and of course I have a pimple brewing). I felt like the host chuckled at me. Who knows what else might happen at these things (this was only my second meeting)? There are at least 150 employees! And I am not a naturally "happy" person who has anything going on in life.

It was also horrible when having to introduce ourselves during the onboarding and all the major players were there to greet us.

There is also a twice a year summit thing, this year's was held virtually but still opens up more chances of embarrassment with participation in their "fun" mandatory activities.

I have a book report due at some point soonish as part of onboarding where we state good and weak points of the company as related to this business success book they sent us (even though that's totally outside my scope as I'm mostly a "grunt" worker, all employees must do it) and then meet in our onboarding group to discuss.

The job is stressful enough without these activities that literally cause me to cry (and turn the video off!) and I'm such a perfectionist. My managers are so nice and I know for a perm position this seems like a unique place in my field. They have been accommodating already in terms of flexibility to help me with the transition. They are the ones who asked me to apply (there was only minimal audio contact before when I was a contractor, otherwise some emails) and I don't understand how they thought I could be happy in this environment; I think they downplayed it or just don't understand my difficulties though knew I was somewhat quiet. I even had to endure interviewing with a personality test coach to see if I was a good fit and then again after I had started to go over my traits, and this was all told over 2-1/2 hours.

My gut is torn between wanting to leave and continue the mentally safer contractor lifestyle with all its uncertainty, versus staying for this opportunity and pushing through. But i have a hard time thinking of even something good to say when I have not much going on in my life and being chuckled at didn't help. If I'm not fit enough mentally, my job performance will suffer, especially if I'm not fully committed to the job (thinking I will quit should summits be in-person again).

All my life, it's been a struggle and I've had so many disasters. I don't see how this can be any different. I know in theory we all have dislikes about whatever job we have but it's hard to be something I'm not and be super excited. This reminds me of when I dropped out of college but eventually did go back to get my degree (and then did nothing with it). It's not like I enjoy the work even without this admittedly minimal social interaction (That made me cry!) but it does pay the bills.

I wish they hadn't asked me to apply. I wasn't going to apply and they asked me directly after a month; maybe they had a hard time filling the position and I did make a lot as a contractor there (admittedly, it's up to them to give me the good work or not). They started a new team and they want to use less contractors and have more employees that are reliable. I thought I would try this and push my comfort zone but it's all too much and more than I was expecting. Sorry, just rambling now. :(
 

Kiwi2016

🦩 Now a flamingo, not a kiwi 🦩
Forum Pro
#2
i am so sorry you are having to endure the "feel good" motivational corporate things...I remember when I had to do those at a former job and like you sat there the whole time trying to desperately think of something "meaningful" to say...it was truly awful. One thing that helped was knowing that it was coming up was just to write down a few things before because I was/am hopeless at the on the spot things as they always seemed so inadequate somehow.

I wondered if you think you want the stability of being an employee perhaps accept but start to look for another job which may not have the same corporate management style...

Sending you *hug
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$305.00
Goal
$255.00
Top