Hi everyone, For the past two weeks I have been taking stock of my situation. I had always been craving for love, like real love between a man and a woman, because nothing else counts. I was not really popular in school, and spent most of my time doing homework, because the school I went to was super-elite and time consuming. When I was 19 I fell in love with my teacher, the chemistry was insane but he was married, yet he kept kind of this chemistry thing flowing, then it just ended and I spent about 2 years recovering, of course I felt I was stupid in not looking for someone else as soon as the feelings were gone, but well this is how it was. I first kissed someone totally random when I was 23, nothing would really come my way, not that no one fancied me, it was rather me not desiring them back. Every day it was like I hoped something would happen but nothing ever did, I'd go to dancing classes, language classes and whatnot, obviously I learned useful things but it never seemed to matter. I had my first and only significant love affair when I was 24-25, but it was all very dark and very destructive, I moved to another country and couldn't stay, and he was even more screwed up than I was, yet he worshipped me in a way, thought I was magic, but well then he stopped writing to me at some point, later on, this year he finally explained he didn't want to hurt me and that his dirty side was too dirty to be around me, like it would make everything fall apart, so he was afraid it would happen. The bottom line was that I knew he was living with someone else, yet kept sending me love letters, still I would hold onto it. Then I had my fortune told by accident, and it went like I shouldn't come back to him ever because I would be unhappy, but I'd meet someone else. Anyway, it was supposed to be around this time of year, and it didn't happen. So anyway, I am almost 27 now, and I have no confidence in finding love at all, and this is the only thing that would let me live normally, I feel my youth going and my body growing older, yet no sign of ever getting the kind of lover I would like to find. I am desired by all sorts of men I don't care about, they are all not my type or older or something else, boring, turn-offs (even though everyone says they are not losers at all from the society's point of view, all successful and stuff) I haven't made love for ages, the idea of having sex without being in love disgusts me, it would feel like admitting defeat and compromising, and everyone keeps saying that I need someone reliable or 5-10 years older because I'm so immature myself, and it's disgusting because I love everything that's young, and the love of young men will soon be unavailable to me completely. I don't know what to do, I said to myself I'll give myself another couple of years, finish whatever I must and then step down, considering the world doesn't want to offer me one thing my life will be pointless without. I feel myself rotting and this love I could give unclaimed, I don't want to turn 30 one day and find out I missed out on something I don't need my life without. This seems like a totally conscious decision, I am good-looking and educated and whatnot, people say a top catch, yet somehow also everyone says younger men will never understand me, they need an easy disposition and chest and someone to comfort them, so I'm just the wrong match, and the mature ones are just well I don't want their old bodies, their self-confidence, their looks, I don't want to give my body and soul to someone whose body is a turn off and who doesn't move me. It feels like a vicious circle. Last but not least, I am between jobs, so I have too much time to dwell on all this, I hate my life the way it is, well, any feedback appreciated.