unhappy in love, see no meaning in going on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jill_la, Dec 3, 2011.

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  1. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    Hi everyone,

    For the past two weeks I have been taking stock of my situation.

    I had always been craving for love, like real love between a man and a woman, because nothing else counts.

    I was not really popular in school, and spent most of my time doing homework, because the school I went to was super-elite and time consuming.

    When I was 19 I fell in love with my teacher, the chemistry was insane but he was married, yet he kept kind of this chemistry thing flowing, then it just ended and I spent about 2 years recovering, of course I felt I was stupid in not looking for someone else as soon as the feelings were gone, but well this is how it was.

    I first kissed someone totally random when I was 23, nothing would really come my way, not that no one fancied me, it was rather me not desiring them back. Every day it was like I hoped something would happen but nothing ever did, I'd go to dancing classes, language classes and whatnot, obviously I learned useful things but it never seemed to matter.

    I had my first and only significant love affair when I was 24-25, but it was all very dark and very destructive, I moved to another country and couldn't stay, and he was even more screwed up than I was, yet he worshipped me in a way, thought I was magic, but well then he stopped writing to me at some point, later on, this year he finally explained he didn't want to hurt me and that his dirty side was too dirty to be around me, like it would make everything fall apart, so he was afraid it would happen. The bottom line was that I knew he was living with someone else, yet kept sending me love letters, still I would hold onto it.

    Then I had my fortune told by accident, and it went like I shouldn't come back to him ever because I would be unhappy, but I'd meet someone else. Anyway, it was supposed to be around this time of year, and it didn't happen. So anyway, I am almost 27 now, and I have no confidence in finding love at all, and this is the only thing that would let me live normally, I feel my youth going and my body growing older, yet no sign of ever getting the kind of lover I would like to find.

    I am desired by all sorts of men I don't care about, they are all not my type or older or something else, boring, turn-offs (even though everyone says they are not losers at all from the society's point of view, all successful and stuff)

    I haven't made love for ages, the idea of having sex without being in love disgusts me, it would feel like admitting defeat and compromising, and everyone keeps saying that I need someone reliable or 5-10 years older because I'm so immature myself, and it's disgusting because I love everything that's young, and the love of young men will soon be unavailable to me completely.

    I don't know what to do, I said to myself I'll give myself another couple of years, finish whatever I must and then step down, considering the world doesn't want to offer me one thing my life will be pointless without. I feel myself rotting and this love I could give unclaimed, I don't want to turn 30 one day and find out I missed out on something I don't need my life without.

    This seems like a totally conscious decision, I am good-looking and educated and whatnot, people say a top catch, yet somehow also everyone says younger men will never understand me, they need an easy disposition and chest and someone to comfort them, so I'm just the wrong match, and the mature ones are just well I don't want their old bodies, their self-confidence, their looks, I don't want to give my body and soul to someone whose body is a turn off and who doesn't move me. It feels like a vicious circle.

    Last but not least, I am between jobs, so I have too much time to dwell on all this, I hate my life the way it is, well, any feedback appreciated.
     
  2. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Hello jill_la and welcome to SF.

    Im so sorry to hear about your problems. I know how hard it is to look for love and not find it. You may think that you wont find it but evryone finds their true love.Why not try living your life ? be happy go out with friends enyoy the little things in live and love will find you. and smile alot because you never know who will feel in love with your smile. Its better to be single than with someone that doesnt deserve your love.:pinkrose:
     
  3. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    Hi Nobody00, I am just sick of going everywhere I am invited to, all a bit pointless, and then some rubbish starts picking me up and I go to pieces. As specified, I don't want to be happy after 30, some things in life come too late. And all of my friends seem to be either gay or down-at-heel, you don't meet much through them. Quite a few have been breaking up, many just go for loveless sex, but I can't be like this. As I said, this load of love is just bringing me down, and I was so depressed when I first stopped loving that person I had an affair with, I was kind of hooked on being in love, like one gets addicted to drugs. It totally felt like withdrawal probably feels.
     
  4. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Try enjoying the party that your invited to. And just say "not interested " to those. And when you see someone you like try talking to him. Love is never early and never late it comes when you least expect it to.
     
  5. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    love and youth should come together. honestly, i mostly hang out with hipsters, and they are all a bit unwashed or plain too superficial. i am wondering whether what you're saying actually comes from experience. is it even fair, to meet someone when you're 24 and have sex for the 1st time at 25, when your lover has screwed a ton of girls (and still totally lacks skills, but that's irrelevant)
     
  6. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Why not trying to hang out with other people ? Go out at a party where you not know anyone and maybe youll meet someone. Why does it matter how many women he had ?Do you realy want someone who had a ton of girls ? why not someone who had less and so you both experience new things together for the first time.
    Im sorry for my englih tonight. Dont know whats wrong with me today.
     
  7. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    well i don't want a virgin thats for sure :D

    and i don't want any unclaimed leftovers either, if a guy cannot find a lay he's a loser and i'm not a charity organisation
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2011
  8. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    A smile thats nice to see :biggrin: Althog if you get a virgin you can train him they way you like it :p
    You know what for a guy you want so the next time you meet one go and talk to him. Men today dont alyway's make the first move so dont be scared to make the first move you got nothing to loose :)
     
  9. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    It's just rubbish to be overlooked, that's all. I am afraid of rejection, this is one of my major problems. i know the formula is "it's okay not to be liked by someone", but it turns out i am only liked by 35 yo successful but boring twats. and size 12-14 too.
     
  10. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    If he rejects you then he isnt worthy to meet some one as awsome as you. His loss not yours.
     
  11. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    can we perhaps agree that self-consolation formulas are far from the truth and offer no solution to existing problems?
     
  12. Nobody00

    Nobody00 Active Member

    Yes, most of them are. But no all. Can we agree on that ? :)
     
  13. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    Let me just be clear - I don't want anything after 30 if nothing comes my way before - that's fair enough. And as for someone else's loss - you know, they just picked up someone else and probably feel great.
     
  14. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    I kinda feel the same way you feel (i.e., being loved is nothing more than a fantasy unlikely to happen), but that's because I've never truly been loved by anyone, and when I finally do fall completely and fully in love (as I have), nothing I do makes her love me back. Unlike you, I think the problem is me and who I am. One of the main reasons I'm so ready to die. Just tired of the pain.
     
  15. jill_la

    jill_la Member

    hey

    yeah, that describes it, tired of the pain. but i don't even fall in love, that's depressing. all that happens is that i'm approached by ones i don't like and don't want to get to know. only i have been loved, that's the problem. and it feels awesome, there's just been so little actual romance in my life that i don't know what to do. i feel that my track record is something that makes me deficient and i will never be able to change it. i feel that my life is all books and useless things, never anything real. if i read another ton of books it will not make me any more desirable. it feels like a vicious circle, this undesirable-ness accumulates, i can't do anything about it. my self-esteem goes down and so on and so forth
     
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