Unhealthy relationship with my mom

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by elvinchild, Aug 3, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I just don't know how to deal with my mom. The guilt I feel from our relationship is overwhelming. Up until now I was having a pretty good day, and now I look at my phone and see she is in a panic because I didn't pick up (didn't know she called, phone wasn't on me), and I feel awful. I never come over on Sundays, but she's been asking me to come over every day... and I have been over to visit more than usual this week, but she always gets so depressed as I leave... the thing is she puts her happiness in other people's hands, and she is miserable without me, so I feel so guilty any time I am away from her because I know she is miserable. If I am not always available to be contacted she goes into a panic, assuming the worst. I feel awful, but at the same time I know that its unhealthy for me to be around her. Everybody in my life - my friends, significant other, counselor, psychiatrist, health doctor - they all tell me to stay away from her because our relationship is awful and it drives me to want to commit suicide and harm myself (out of shame and feelings of worthlessness, because she hates who I am and only likes when I pretend to be the person she has dictated for me to be), but I feel just as awful when I am disappointing her by not being around her. There is just no escape from the shame that results from our relationship, and I don't know what to do. People tell me I can't save her, and she has to learn to take care of herself and not be dependent on other people, and to accept me as I am if we are to have a healthy mother daughter relationship. But I don't think she will ever learn, because she's been mistreated in the past so she's very vulnerable, and now she's used to the world revolving around her. My father does everything for her and taught me and my brother to do everything for her too. Living in the same house as her was like walking on eggshells, and I was required to act out the character she desired for a child. If I was ever honest my father and mother would reprimand me for being selfish, ungrateful, and immature.

    So to this day, I keep putting on a show around her, but it drains me to do that and makes me feel awful about myself, besides its hard to just give in to someone's every wish about how they want me to be... I would rather be dead. But I can't shake the guilt of leaving her behind either, because I know her happiness depends on me, right or wrong.

    I feel so trapped. There is no escape. What can I do?
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I say just be yourself your an adult now..Tell your mom if she can't accept you then you will just not come over.. Sounds like you all have pampered her all your lives..It's not your fault so don't go blaming yourself..If you want true happiness you have to do like I said just be yourself..