Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Erik_03, Jul 12, 2008.

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  1. Erik_03

    Erik_03 New Member

    Hi guys. I don't really know where to start, but I guess it doesn't really matter, so i'll just say this first; Excuse me if i got some words wrong, or if I can't find a word i'll try to explain it somehow.
    The reason is because i'm from sweden, I see my english pretty good tho.

    I'm sorry for all this reading but I really have to get it off my chest, it's getting heavy.

    I also have to say this, I have a major problem with sharing of how I feel, so this is actually the first time i tell anyone what i feel. I would really love to tell any of my friends but I don't want to after I've read what some people reacted like when they heard their freidns where suicidal, that they wasn't understanding at all, and if my friends was like that, I think I would snap.

    However, I'd like to introduce myself a little, my name is Erik and I'm 18 yo.
    I live with my parents, although they are divorced i live one week at a time with each of them. They both got new lifepartners and they're both happy.
    I know they live me, like only a parent can love their child and i love them.

    But for the last, about 2 years I've been feeling suicidal. First the feeling wasn't that big but it has grown with time and now I'm sure that I will someday snap and take my life.

    I got a few friends, but not really any best pal, or someone that I really trust, iI know that they would miss me, but I'm not sure that they would care for me after a year or two when I'm gone.

    I was living a happy life until about 5 years ago, when I changed school. Not moving, but when I got to the next school, like high.school and so on.
    My class was split over 5 different classes and i only got one friend with me, and him I didn't really like. So I had a hard time making friends and already the first day a kid started calling me names and I just stood there, and then they got more that joined him and before i knew it, I was all alone and all my former friends wouldn't speak with me.
    And so i lived for 3 years, not a single time i brought a friend home, or visited another friend. My parents was a little sad for me because i was alone, ofcourse i told them i had friends at school. I had one, another outsider like me. ( I now know that he is doing fine and has ther friends, and I'm happy for him)
    But so I struggled for 3 years and i felt like I wanted to die sometimes, not really suicidal, but i just wanted to go away, sometimes a bit suicidal I have to admit.

    But then after 3 years it was time for, I think it's college, in sweden you start the year you turn 16.
    And I kinda just choosed something that didn't look to hard, it was a mixture from everything, so it was kinda like going to a school that just got one step advancer then previous.
    But this time I actually made some friends and for the first time for 3 years, I felt a little joy in my life. But it went away pretty fast. I still got social troubles since I didn't talk to anyone for 3 years and it has affected me deeply I'm afraid.
    And this school wasn't so easy as I thought, I started doing bad in class and I had a meeting with the principal and nurse and similar because they thought i felt down and so. I told them I was fine, I lied. I couldn't stand telling them that I was feeling very depressed and see my mothers face when she heard. I don't think my parents suspect anything, neither do any of my friends.

    But I do want to kill myself.
    School is going bad, I have troubles getting new friends except those that i got. At home I don't do anything, I just sit infront of the computer or tv mostly. Sometimes I go to the city, but not really often. I'm still pretty lonely and now it's holiday for 9 weeks (4 have already passed tho) and to be honest I want school to start again so I can be with friends from school again since I haven't been with them under the summer at all almost, just 2 times.

    The reason I don't take my life is because i can't do that to my parents, I know that they love me and they would be devastated if I go away,
    But one day the pain will be to much and i will do it, I'm sure of it.
    I'm getting strong thoughts of taking my life, and I've even checked a site that had alot of methods of killing yourself in it, I couldn't stand reading even half, I got so sick that i went to the toilet and sat there for 20 min (didn't puke tho, just went there incase), not because what i read really, but because now i knew that I was really suicidal and what would happen.

    I read this thread about if you got a painless and quick death, if you would take it. I don't really know. If it would leave no signs at all I might do it, since I don't want any wrist vut och neck snapped and all blue if my mother would find me, it would be too much.

    I also get strong feelings when I think about my life, what will become of me, I only have one year left in school and after that I have to look for a job. Only that makes me wanna kill myself, I got no people skills whatsoever and my grades are really low.

    I don't know what I'm doing in this world.

    I'm sorry to have bothered you with all this reading and you probably think that I should have dumped it on someone else, but you don't even have to read it, it's a relief for me to write it here, after all, this is the first time I ever tell it to someone.

    If you have read all the way to this, Thanks for your time, I really appreciate it, it means alot to me to tell someone.
    Also I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, I got alot on my mind right now and I just found out that I could write in here now.

    Once again, Thank you for your time.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    First of all, let me welcome you to the forum. You mention you have difficulty with people skills because of those three years you struggled with finding and making friends. You do mention that you can't wait for school to start back up so you can be back with the friends you now have. That shows you do have the ability to form friendships. As you get out into the workforce, you will meet people with the same interests as yourself. Depending on what type of employment you get, you may be exposed to many types of people and maybe find friends and make aquaintences there as well. Give yourself a chance to succeed. It may not be as bad as you think.
  3. Erik_03

    Erik_03 New Member

    The thing is that I'm not sure how I will work with other people since I'm a bit scared of getting rejected when trying to get new friends.
    Also, the friends from school is mostly just that I want to hear them again, hear them joke and have fun, it makes my life just a little bit easier when I'm around them.
    I keep worying about work all the time, but I hope you're right, that I will meet some friends and I do want life to get better, but so far it has only gotten worse.
    I wish it could be as easy as you make it sound, that would be wonderful.
  4. glassdarkly

    glassdarkly New Member

    erik, bor du i stockholm? vilket universitetet? jag ar fran usa, och jag ar ocksa mycket ledsen ... suicidal. jag hoppas att du mar lite bra, jag grater nu men jag maste arbeta. kanske jag kan prata med dig sen.

    (jag ar inte svenska men jag larde mig lite svenska nar jag besokte sverige nagra ganger)
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Erik_03,
    I have mentioned this to other people. Have you ever thought of volunteering somewhere like a retirement home. You would be surprised at some of the stories you'll hear. I think you need to stay active at finding certain friends. You may want to feel them out to make sure they aren't hiding things from you.
    I am glad you came to the forum! You will find people here that you can relate to. You can PM us and spill your problems. You won't be judged by any one because we all are basically the same, WE WANT TO DIE!!! You have to battle this on a dailey basis. For now try placing a small goal to complete and when you are done pat yourself on the back because you just took a step at a positive thought. Keep taking those little steps and bank the positives so you have something to fight the negative thoughts. Hope to see you around the forum.:chopper:.
  6. Erik_03

    Erik_03 New Member

    glassdarkly; no, I live in värmland, it's in the western part of sweden, the last I expected on this forum was someone that was/were living in sweden, but it's nice to see :)

    Stranger1, thanks mate, actually I feel very odd right now, for the first time in years I feel that I belong somewhere, I searched pretty much on the internet after a forum just like this, first I tried in my country to see if I could meet someone in sweden, but I didn't find anything, just found ppl that where treating suicidals like a joke, one guy wanted forums to visit because he thought it was funny.. That's sick, but I'm actually glad he did, because someone linked this site and I immediatly went here and I'm happy for what I found.

    But even here I creep into my shell, I can't really open up, even though I know I will never meet any of you, and I could just go away without you ever be able to track me, but still I'm holding myself in a bit.

    Thanks for your posts, I got a funny feeling inside my stomach, it reminded me of the feeling I got when I was in love the first time, I felt warm.
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