Hi guys. I don't really know where to start, but I guess it doesn't really matter, so i'll just say this first; Excuse me if i got some words wrong, or if I can't find a word i'll try to explain it somehow. The reason is because i'm from sweden, I see my english pretty good tho. I'm sorry for all this reading but I really have to get it off my chest, it's getting heavy. I also have to say this, I have a major problem with sharing of how I feel, so this is actually the first time i tell anyone what i feel. I would really love to tell any of my friends but I don't want to after I've read what some people reacted like when they heard their freidns where suicidal, that they wasn't understanding at all, and if my friends was like that, I think I would snap. However, I'd like to introduce myself a little, my name is Erik and I'm 18 yo. I live with my parents, although they are divorced i live one week at a time with each of them. They both got new lifepartners and they're both happy. I know they live me, like only a parent can love their child and i love them. But for the last, about 2 years I've been feeling suicidal. First the feeling wasn't that big but it has grown with time and now I'm sure that I will someday snap and take my life. I got a few friends, but not really any best pal, or someone that I really trust, iI know that they would miss me, but I'm not sure that they would care for me after a year or two when I'm gone. I was living a happy life until about 5 years ago, when I changed school. Not moving, but when I got to the next school, like high.school and so on. My class was split over 5 different classes and i only got one friend with me, and him I didn't really like. So I had a hard time making friends and already the first day a kid started calling me names and I just stood there, and then they got more that joined him and before i knew it, I was all alone and all my former friends wouldn't speak with me. And so i lived for 3 years, not a single time i brought a friend home, or visited another friend. My parents was a little sad for me because i was alone, ofcourse i told them i had friends at school. I had one, another outsider like me. ( I now know that he is doing fine and has ther friends, and I'm happy for him) But so I struggled for 3 years and i felt like I wanted to die sometimes, not really suicidal, but i just wanted to go away, sometimes a bit suicidal I have to admit. But then after 3 years it was time for, I think it's college, in sweden you start the year you turn 16. And I kinda just choosed something that didn't look to hard, it was a mixture from everything, so it was kinda like going to a school that just got one step advancer then previous. But this time I actually made some friends and for the first time for 3 years, I felt a little joy in my life. But it went away pretty fast. I still got social troubles since I didn't talk to anyone for 3 years and it has affected me deeply I'm afraid. And this school wasn't so easy as I thought, I started doing bad in class and I had a meeting with the principal and nurse and similar because they thought i felt down and so. I told them I was fine, I lied. I couldn't stand telling them that I was feeling very depressed and see my mothers face when she heard. I don't think my parents suspect anything, neither do any of my friends. But I do want to kill myself. School is going bad, I have troubles getting new friends except those that i got. At home I don't do anything, I just sit infront of the computer or tv mostly. Sometimes I go to the city, but not really often. I'm still pretty lonely and now it's holiday for 9 weeks (4 have already passed tho) and to be honest I want school to start again so I can be with friends from school again since I haven't been with them under the summer at all almost, just 2 times. The reason I don't take my life is because i can't do that to my parents, I know that they love me and they would be devastated if I go away, But one day the pain will be to much and i will do it, I'm sure of it. I'm getting strong thoughts of taking my life, and I've even checked a site that had alot of methods of killing yourself in it, I couldn't stand reading even half, I got so sick that i went to the toilet and sat there for 20 min (didn't puke tho, just went there incase), not because what i read really, but because now i knew that I was really suicidal and what would happen. I read this thread about if you got a painless and quick death, if you would take it. I don't really know. If it would leave no signs at all I might do it, since I don't want any wrist vut och neck snapped and all blue if my mother would find me, it would be too much. I also get strong feelings when I think about my life, what will become of me, I only have one year left in school and after that I have to look for a job. Only that makes me wanna kill myself, I got no people skills whatsoever and my grades are really low. I don't know what I'm doing in this world. I'm sorry to have bothered you with all this reading and you probably think that I should have dumped it on someone else, but you don't even have to read it, it's a relief for me to write it here, after all, this is the first time I ever tell it to someone. If you have read all the way to this, Thanks for your time, I really appreciate it, it means alot to me to tell someone. Also I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, I got alot on my mind right now and I just found out that I could write in here now. Once again, Thank you for your time.