unrequieted love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by downnout, Mar 5, 2008.

  1. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    So has anyone ever had the awful experience of falling head over heels for someone who flat-out doesn't like you?

    If so, any advice on how to finally get over it?
  2. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    I have. It still hurts me and it's been a year since I actually told the person. But it's been three years since I fell in love with her.

    I don't think there is really a lot you can do... maybe just wait it out. That is what I've had to do. I hope that it works out betterfor you, though. I hope you are able to find someone who really loves you. :hug:
  3. FoReVeR LoSt

    FoReVeR LoSt Well-Known Member

    that's happened to me as well. She actually moved in with me cause she had no where to go and we would cuddle...i got to liking her. So eventually I told her, and well...she just blatantly told me that she didn't feel the same way. I didn't get over, still haven't, but the feelings aren't nearly as strong as they use to be. She has a gf now and she's happy, so I know that I have to move on...
  4. Bigman2232

    Bigman2232 Well-Known Member

    Only kind of love I'll ever have.
  5. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies...

    Bigman, I seriously doubt that's true. Don't give up, there are tons of different people out there. And just think, in another ten years lots more will be getting divorced! hehe.. ok ,sorry, that was inappropriate.
  6. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Yes. A couple of times. The first was my first GF when I was in my teens. Well, she did like me then. We got along great and if you remember what it was like the first time you fell in love, well, you know exactly what I'm saying when I say that you never love anyone quite the same way again.

    We were separated quite suddenly and unexpectedly by the fact that my parents just abruptly decided to move one day. I never saw her again but I always remembered her very fondly. I held her and my love for her in that special place in my heart that I created and kept for her and only her.

    For many years, I kept the fantasy that I meant as much to her as she did to me in my hopes and dreams and always just knew that someday, somehow, we'd meet again. The whole deal. I used to look up at the sky at night and wonder if she might be looking at the same star and thinking of me as I was her. That sounds really corny but it was somehow comforting to me. To think the world was such a small place that two people separated by distance weren't really all that far apart after all.

    At any rate, about a year ago, I decided to put the power of the internet to work for me and started looking for her. I managed to find someone who fit the general description and sent an email.

    Much to my surprise and amazement, it was actually her! I couldn't believe it! BUT, she was married and apparently, from everything she said, she really hasn't thought of me that much over the years. She was nice about it but was kind of like "Oh. I remember you. How are you?". But that was basically it.

    I mean, where can you go from finding out the love of your life is married? In a way, I knew I shouldn't do it before I even wrote to her. In retrospect, it would have been better for me to just leave things as they were and remember us as we were. Now, that place where she used to live in my heart is empty. And there's nobody else. Curiosity got the better of me and it reopened a deep wound that had been closed for a long time. I just couldn't stand not knowing and now, I wish I didn't. I didn't really expect her to wait for me or anything. Of course, that would be silly. It just hurts to find out someone who meant that much to me didn't really feel the same way.

    I've fallen for a couple of other women in my life but neither of them were as special as her.

    So. As to your question? How do you get over it? It just takes time. It hurts. It's supposed to, I guess. It's not so much getting over it as it is learning to live with it. Eventually, you will. It won't seem like it at first. Maybe not for a good while. But it gets easier with time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 6, 2008
  7. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    I think you just have to cut off all contact forever. Eventually you'll fall for someone else if you allow yourself to. It's easy to tell yourself "Well, maybe he'll come around.." and keep hoping on a lost cause, but don't do it. That door is closed and probably was never open to begin with. Staying in touch is only going reopen the same wounds time and again.

    BOLIAO Guest

    time is always a great healer. when i broke up with the love of my life, i thought i could not go on anymore. my heart really felt physical jolts of pain and was in a total wreck. I felt I could not go on anymore but hey after several years of total no contact, I dont even think about her anymore and felt how silly I was during that time. When we are emotionally involved with someone, surely there would be a great deal of pain when it's over but time is always a great healer. A few years from now, you would realise this.
  9. BelovedDreamer

    BelovedDreamer Well-Known Member

    Been there. More than once. The only thing I've ever found that helps is, not to sound too cliche, but time. Distance if you can avoid being around the person too often. Or simply emotional distancing. Try to really think about (or talk to a therapist or a friend) about why you love this person. Sometimes it helps to really think it out, maybe even, sadly, to concentrate on their downsides. What it is about them that doesn't make you love them. Try not to think about them otherwise. When you find yourself dwelling or fantasizing, give yourself a mental shake and try to switch internal threads. Don't know how helpful that was. It's always a tough situation.
  10. ggg456

    ggg456 Guest

    Yeah. I thought he didn't like me but then I realised he did and wrote, "He knows. He likes me. He talks to me through his myspace. Funny isn't it? He talks to me through his myspace although I don't have one."

    But even then it didn't hit me that he actually loved me or anything like that...I'm very slow about these things. Or maybe I just can't imagine someone loving me?
  11. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Its happening all the time....
    Its reason why i am depressed...
  12. ava.

    ava. Well-Known Member

    I used to know a guy in High School, down south, whom I fell hard for. He knew, and messed me about a lot because of it. One day, he'd be all over me, flirting, the next, he'd ignore me completly! I had some of the best days of my life because of him, and yet some were the worst days of my life because of him, again.

    You could say it was love at first sight. It went on for roughly 2 years.

    He made me very depressed, though.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 12, 2008
  13. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately I have too.
    Best way to get over it like anything - this works for me - is focusing on something else and in the case of loving someone, focusing on other people. There's plenty of fish out in the sea ;)
    It ain't easy though but time and self-belief will heal..or at least that's what worked for me.
    Don't give up and try to think that those who do not love you do not deserve your love, so it's their loss not yours :)
  14. whybeherenow

    whybeherenow Active Member


    thanks - it's funny coz it's true!
  15. whybeherenow

    whybeherenow Active Member

    Although I think this is the best way to go - trying to stop feelings doesn't work.

    The opposite is (slowly) working for me. (we no longer have any direct contact though. Get a picture of the person - project all the love you feel, and put the picture away. Repeat when needed. I am not suggesting wishing for things to be different, or wishing to be with them. Trying to kill the feeling is painful. I am suggesting feeling the love to the nth degree, and then being able to move on. Repression/denial etc do not work!
  16. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    It's happened to me. It's happened actually alot. I guess after 2 or 3 times, you eventually approach all situations in a similar way. The thing that really gets me - you never forget. You never, ever forget. How it felt, and how it didn't feel. And how you want, but you don't get. And how you just look at a happy world through a looking glass.

    :sad: It's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. It wears off for the most part after a long while. But it never fully goes away. It just stays. I guess if I were to suggest advice, it'd be to try looking at things positively, try to keep occupied. Though I really never could get my mind off of it, but you can still be happy some of the time.

    Hope you can find a better way, I know how ya feel :sad: :hug:
  17. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    im still mildly suffering from unrequited love for about almost a year. And its true time is the cure. About a year ago i used to think about her every second of the day and everything i did had feelings of her in it. But nowadays i dont think about her, i avoid it a lot more and push it out. And I felt the difference between the two. It is weird just letting go, but it had to be done. After endless nights of crying about her, you just have to move on.

    The thing that hurt me so much that made me feel murderous is seeing her around other guys, flirting, etc. I always thought i was the only one special to her but i was wrong. It hurts like hell. And what hurt even more, was going to all sorts of forums online(not only this one) and reading people telling me that "there is a lot more fish in the sea blah blah blah." Anyways i was about to say a lot more about this topic in my post but it has all seemed to have floated away in my mind, i guess it must be the thought of her =|

    so the cure is time and distance from that person, which is harder than it seems
  18. irrelevant

    irrelevant Member

    I've been in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way for the last four years and I can't see it going away anytime soon. For anyone who was genuinely in love with the person I would read 'A lover's discourse' by Roland Barthes. Actually everyone who has ever used the term love in reference to a relationship they have had or feelings they have had should read this book..either to make them realise that what they had wasn't quite what they thought it was or to comfort them a little if it was.

    The term love gets thrown around so much and it really annoys me because I hear people saying that they are in love with people when sometimes you can just know that they aren't, and it's hard when people say they are experiencing unrequited love when you know full well it's a bit of a lasting crush that is incomparable to the actual experience of unrequited love. Barthes says if you are really in love you can picture the cuticles of your lover.

    I'm not trying to direct this at anyone on here by the way.. and I know you can never tell anyone what they are feeling and it's not fair to downplay or trivialise anothers relationship or feelings at all...this is more what I have experienced in the outside world and partly why I've become so isolated. People bug you constantly for explanation then eventually you try and explain that you fell in love with someone who didn't feel the same way and they either don't really believe you were properly in love or they compare it to some fairly meaningless crush they once had. Makes you feel pretty lonely.

    wow that was a rant. sorry guys!
  19. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    ^I know what you mean -- the whole 'you really didn't care about that person like you thought' thing. It happened to me a few years ago (well, the first time...) I think that was the truest instance. My roommate kept telling me, "It's nothing, get over it"... I'll never forget him though.
  20. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Im in that situation, and I will never get over it :(
    You can read my threads if you want, and you will see.