Unrequited crush making you realize who you are and utter sadness

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by rocknrollsuicide, May 26, 2012.

  1. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    Haven't posted in a long while.

    When you crush/obsess over someone who doesn't return the same affection is bad enough.
    When you crush/obsess over someone of your same sex gender who does not and will never return the same affection nor gives a shit about you, that's heartbraking.
    Especially since it makes you realize who you might be.
    At the back of over 35 years of life, more same sex crushes you never acted upon and coming to the realization that you either might be lesbian or bisexual. Which probably also explains why I was never into having a boyfriend. Had big crushes on boys/men too by the way. Just never been in a common relationship with anyone other than myself.

    As far back as i can remember I have always been attracted to straight girls/women. That's a major curse when you come to terms with the fact that you might be gay.
    Hence impossible.

    My latest one is someone that is not even my type at first general overall look and that's what pisses me off.
    On close look, it's details like well pronounced dimples, long pale brown almost dark blonde luscious shiny straight hair, perfect legs, low sexy voice tone and big crazy piercing eyes that got me head over heels about this girl.

    At first look she might come across as being straight as hell, but again it's details that made me feel she might not be 100% straight.
    Not to mention the deep, piercing glares to my direction she used to give me when we were in the old office.
    I felt a sparkle when I saw her the very first time a year ago.
    Is it possible to feel mutual attraction?
    I seriously felt it was mutual, particularly like I said by the way she used to look at me. And a few other details that perhaps in the sparking confusion made me think that I was not alone in feeling what I felt.
    But with straight girls you can't tell.
    I know that she had boyfriend, apparently she was engaged but they broke up on the company xmas party day, in fact she never showed up at the party as she was supposed to.

    The worse part is that since March I also work for this girl among the many people I have to work for in my company.
    Back in February, pushed by my sister to find out the truth, I sent her a friend request over Facebook.
    Sent it in the evening around 10pm or so.
    The following morning around 7am out of sheer embarrasment I canceled my request to her, hoping that she never saw it.
    Towards the end of Feb she was meant to attend a meeting set up by her boss with me and my line manager. She never showed up, her boss saying that she had to meet some clients or something.
    However she had to come and talk to me about the work that I have been doing for her since March.
    The day that she came up to my floor (we're on separate floors now, irony of the sort) to brief me on what the hell I needed to produce for her, I was coming down with cold & flu hence looking like shit.

    It's such a confidence-boosting feeling when the person you're crushing on looks at you with utter disgust because you're ill, stepping back from you and poorly briefing you on what work she needs from you.
    I seriously detested her that day and thought "Who the hell does she think she is for treating me like that??"
    She honestly looked down on me with disgust and was quite abrupt in her manners.

    I thought "Has that something to do with my FB request that I cancelled?"

    Nevertheless apparently she is very happy with the kind of work I have done so far for her, she thanked me a few times by email but that's about it. When she pops up on my floor, god forbid she greets me.. Mind you, hardly anyone in the company I work for greets people.
    The only word we exchanged live was about two weeks ago or less, I was going out for a cig brake, there she was coming in, me going out, she saw me and said "Hey" with me glancing back at her mirroring the same succinct, unpersonal, detached, cold greeting of her.

    Last night was the final straw. Foolishly agreed to go out for drinks after work with some colleague of mine at nearby bar. There were other people from the company we saw there, plenty from the department she works but she wasn't there. And i was happy about that. Five minutes later she pops out of the blue, passing me by nonchalantly like I was a ghost and of course god forbid aknowledging my presence in any shape or for, despite the fact that I have been working for her for nearly 3 months now.

    I was with these corporate type of people, all drinking and talking, chatting and I felt like a total outcast.
    Always felt like an outcast.
    I don't fit in with the general "normal" mould of people. When I say normal (horrible word) I mean people who get married, have kids, who have bf/gf, who go out with friends, socialise by having drinks, whatever.
    The girls there from my company were/are the tipycal secretary types: sleek, pristine, pretty, not a single hair out of place from their scalp, snobby and very tough.

    I thought "WTF am I doing here?"
    I saw that she was talking to some of her colleagues, couldn't help but notice her. Of course she ignored me as she was busy talking to her lovely fucking colleagues and I was busy doing my best ignoring her as well, talking to other people.
    Yet I felt extremely uncomfortable.
    With myself and those individuals I had absolutey ZERO in common with.
    So I left just saying goodbye to one person, leaving those bastards behind, including this girl I stupidily felt what I felt for her for far too long, with whom I foolishly thought there was a mutual attraction and there never will be cause just by looking at the way she dresses I mean...definitely straight. Skirts, high heels, no make up whatsoever though.
    It's her stomping walk, the slightly hunched forward posture when she walks that sent a red gaydar alert.
    But who am I kidding?
    Straight as hell and absolutely not interested in getting to know an outcast like me.

    So finally after last night I woke up in tears this morning, realizing that I will never have the life that all those corporate snobby insensitive secretaries and bosses have for a lot of reasons.
    One because I never wanted anf two because I ma probably gay.

    I feel like a weirdo at my age. Well have always felt like a weirdo.
    I have contemplated suicide once again because of all this stupid crush in my head but also for feeling that I will never have true happiness with anyone for as long as I continue to feel attracted for girls I can't have.
    And even if I could have them, here comes the saddest part, I wouldn#t even know what to do with them cause I have never ever been in a relationship with anyone.
    Which at my age makes me a complete weirdo.

    Never told this anyone, ehnce lying all the time to anyone asking me about bf and stuff, making up names and all that to avoid the judgemental look ang crap from "normal" conventional people.

    I am very pissed off and sad with myself for allowing my heart to beat for another person who doesn't give a shit about me nor know that I exist.
    I will never be with someone.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2012
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This sounds very painful, but something you can take and find someone who deserves to be with you...I have found that sometimes, business changes how ppl interact...ppl want to get ahead and do things they might regret later (she not talking to you)...I do not think that sexual preference is as big an obstacle as one might perceive...I think more importantly, it is how comfortable one is in his/her own skin...that projects confidence and with the exception of the purple squirrel, faciliates promotions...can you look at this as her loss and try to move on?
  3. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    My mind agrees with what you're saying fully. Others close to me told me the same thing.
    Emotionally I can't help it yet hence the pain.
    True that business changes people, however ruthless, selfish, successful corporate types like her don't have regrets hence being successful.
    Only the arseholes succeed in this world because they don't give a shit about other people's feelings.
    Plus she's English. The coldest, emotionally detached people I have ever come across in my life.
    Booze is their only key to unlock that distant, cold armout they are built with since birth.

    No idea how long it will take me to get over this heartless, snobby bitch but certainly there isn't anyone who deserves to be with me.
    Confidence indeed is a big factor.
    I am not comfortable in coming out.
    Judgement is one of the things I fear the most, outcast and weirdo as I feel already as it is.
    Normal boring square people love to judge weirdos like me.
    I can't handle it.

    Very heartbroken and sad.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Surely, one's mind and heart can be light years away from each other...maybe using this crush as the potential of how you can feel about someone and seeing what you can do to work more on your confidence...and as I said, her loss!
  5. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    I outed myself only to a few people, one who happens to be a gay male colleague of mine.
    He is aware of my stupid crush.
    Now I feel like he betrayed my trust, I am paranoid that he told her or other people.

    Yes her loss but what loss? A weirdo like me?
    She's got everything.
    I am worthless compared to her.
  6. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Well I am English but nothing like you described, don't even drink, but I know the sort you mean :) Anyway I am 35 and been a lesbian over 4 years, was just a sway in that direction from being bi, so I know how you feel feeling like it is a bit late in life for this sort of thing etc. But honestly it doesn't matter about age, I know a girl who turned 43 and realised why she had never felt right with men, had just gone along with it all and a man who left his wife and 4 kids after 30 years of marriage as he realised he was gay. I also know guy who is 34, realised he was gay a few years ago, was a virgin then and still a virgin now but now he is enjoying life with people who think like him, accept him and don't make him feel he should be somthing he is not.

    I too have always felt like the weirdo who never fitted in, even as a Goth I always felt like the odd one out. Wow I thought i must really be strange to feel like the weirdo in a group of hundreds of weirdos! Part of the reason was as I never drank I was the sober one watching all these drunk Brits falling all over themselves in high heels and clothes blatantly just worn to attract a man which I couldn't connect with at all as I dress very different and for myself. I still feel a bit odd as a late starter but from all the lesbians I have met noone seems to care except me. I am always told sexuality is different for everyone, some feel were born like it, some sway that way later in life, some due to abuse can't feel comfortable with opposite sex others who have been bi end up going one way or another and some even make a choice as it feels the path for them. There is no right and wrong, no shame in any of it. You will have crushes which may or may not amount to anything.

    Maybe the girl is straight and was trying to be cold to avoid hurting your feelings. Maybe she has the same things going through her head and is scared of who she is, very common and also not uncommon is to give the cold shoulder to someone you may even like, a bit like pulling pigtails in the playground! I know straight girls who can become intersted in a girl just because they found out she was gay or was something about her but they are a bit scared to act upon anything incase anything happened as reality is more scary than fantasy. Maybe she is just a bitch who is up her own arse and drunk on power of having people work for her who knows. Either way you will get past it and find someone new to fancy which may lead to more.

    As for coming out, who cares. Does the slightly odd guy at the office have to tell everyone he likes his GF to tie him up and humilate him in private, no of course not. People feel this pressure to come out but seriously it is your business and noone elses so tell friend and family if you want to but only if you think that person can support you and be kind. You will find yourself, don't worry. If you are gay then congratulations your new life can start. Maybe the reason behind not feeling happy all the time is related. Join a lesbian dating and friendship site to get a feel for things and then either go to gay clubs or meet up with a girly group. I can recommend gayvox, was all french but I believe it has been expanded for English speakers, lots of fun people there. I have personally found the girls I have met to be the least judgemental of anyone I have known, a real mix of races, ages and types of people but have yet to meet anyone who was judgemental or made me feel uncomfortable.

    If you want to PM me feel free, we can all do with friends who can empathise, and maybe help out with feelings or questions. I am English but live in France by the way. I wish you the very best but please don't base your self worth on one rather bitchy sounding girl, it is just one person and not worth your time.
  7. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    Hi there Atompilz, first of all sorry if my brutally opinion regarding the English was so brutally honest, no intention to offend at all.
    Second of all thank you very much indeed for your thoughtful and very nice reply.
    You're right: what's the pressure in coming out?
    I should only tell indeed to those I think would support me, so far that's what I did.
    As for this bitch...I dunno. there's so much I haven 't shared which seriously made me suspect she was at least interested in me by the way she interacted with me at times.
    Maybe if you are really interested I could share with you via DM.

    As for gay clubs and groups, yes indeed I went to all female lesbian/bi clubs and bars but they all seem to be paired.
    Not to mention that majority of women i saw in these clubs did not match my type at all@ very butch, I mean masculine and a bit scary...
    I joined Gingerbeer portal last year and went out with a few girls from there but it was a total let down.

    I know that it is never too late.
    You know, in order to educate myself I watched the whole The L Word seasons, The Real L Word which I probably loved more than the fictional one and countless lesbian movies.

    The women I am attracted to don't look at unconventional types like me or if they do...well I wonder WTF they do, leaving my thoughts fucked up in supposition.
    Thinking that they might be feeling mutual attraction when maybe I just took a mental trip.

    This girl must have cast a spell on me. I believe some women are witches in that sense.

  8. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    Interesting point about Gayvox - checked it out, all in French unfortunately - because my exxperience with that dreadful Gingerbeer site was the complete opposite.
  9. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    She did hurt my feelings when i was coming down with cold & flu and treated me like shit in a rather snobbish, insensitive way, not giving a shit about the fact that I was ill and feeling like a shit already as it was.
    She is not someone who is scared to sting people for whatever reason going through her head.
    The latter point you made is the closest match about this girl.
    Which makes me feel even more like an utter moron for getting head over heels for someone like that.
  10. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    There are a lot of Americans and English on Gayvox now, and many of the French girls speak English, lots of feminine girls too. If you can use Google translate to set up your profile, or you may have the thing where each page you go onto can be translated automatically, not sure what it is called, I only know my new computer did it and was doing my head in but it was quite accurate!

    Don't be so sure people woudn't go for you just because you are unconventional, I am a total goth, look nothing like a French girl and people like that I am different. Also don't forget that women are far less aesthetic than men, they go for much more than looks. That is why you rarely see a model type guy with a less attractive girl, guys will go for the prettiest they can get, whereas you often see a hot girl with a not so hot guy, you know the type that people see and presume the guy is packin' or rich hahaha! It is simpy that women when looking for an actual relationship that lasts, as oppose to arm candy to impress their mates, they will go for more friendly and trustworthy looking men which are normally not the ones who are classed as the best looking.
    This is more how I have found it in Lesboland! People often ask why a butch girl wants to look like a guy or why would a lesbian fancy a girl who looks like a guy, why not just date a guy. But these people are not really thinking of the actual relationship, just the initial attraction. A butch girl will still have a female personality and of course no penis hahaha! Girls who have been abused by men so now only date women may still be attracted to the masculine look but are afraid of the strength and aggression that a man may have so would go for butch girls. It is more common for a femme to go for a butch/boyish and vise versa but of course not always the case. I have met girls I would never usually fancy at a glance but on getting to know them they have become far more attractive to me. You will attract all sorts of girls, that I am sure, it is not a superficial world, I hate my looks, have BDD, but lesbians I have told this to are not put off at all and want to help and convince me differently.

    I also would say lesbians are far more open about thoughts and feelings, good and bad, which would be good for you to express any troubles or questions. I have had girls say things to me really quickly that would scare a guy off in a second, we talk about our feelings more and are not afraid to say the wrong thing. There is very little worrying about the other one just looking for sex, the old hold out til the third date thing with guys, doesn't seem to feature. Some girls are just after a one night thing but usually they are the teenagers and early 20 somethings, at 35 I don't have to worry about that as I wouldn't date a youngun! I have also noticed that most girls date people the similar age to them, guys tend to go for the youngest they can get which can be quite disheartening to a girl in her 30's and upwards knowing she is in 'competition' with the pert brigade!! ;) I have had many younger girls contact me on Gayvox but if ever I have contacted a woman older than me they tell me that I am too young (disappointment of course, then I secretly rejoice that I am still too young for something hurragh!).

    Just keep an open mind and remember that noone is going to pressure you into anything, you will feel very safe and make friends along the way, try to be positive. PM me whenever you like, happy to chat.
  11. rocknrollsuicide

    rocknrollsuicide Well-Known Member

    I know no one is going to pressure me into anything but I have to say:
    I am exhausted of lying to every single person I go out for drinks with pretending I am in a relationship with a guy adding that I am open to women as well.
    At my age being single is seen as being a weirdo.
    Hence my lies.
    If I come out as I don't know what people in my corporate environment will judge me.
    That judgement I can't handle it.
    Especially since I am terribly attracted to that colleague/manager I work marginally for.
    It would be the end of my life.