Haven't posted in a long while. When you crush/obsess over someone who doesn't return the same affection is bad enough. When you crush/obsess over someone of your same sex gender who does not and will never return the same affection nor gives a shit about you, that's heartbraking. Especially since it makes you realize who you might be. At the back of over 35 years of life, more same sex crushes you never acted upon and coming to the realization that you either might be lesbian or bisexual. Which probably also explains why I was never into having a boyfriend. Had big crushes on boys/men too by the way. Just never been in a common relationship with anyone other than myself. As far back as i can remember I have always been attracted to straight girls/women. That's a major curse when you come to terms with the fact that you might be gay. Hence impossible. My latest one is someone that is not even my type at first general overall look and that's what pisses me off. On close look, it's details like well pronounced dimples, long pale brown almost dark blonde luscious shiny straight hair, perfect legs, low sexy voice tone and big crazy piercing eyes that got me head over heels about this girl. At first look she might come across as being straight as hell, but again it's details that made me feel she might not be 100% straight. Not to mention the deep, piercing glares to my direction she used to give me when we were in the old office. I felt a sparkle when I saw her the very first time a year ago. Is it possible to feel mutual attraction? I seriously felt it was mutual, particularly like I said by the way she used to look at me. And a few other details that perhaps in the sparking confusion made me think that I was not alone in feeling what I felt. But with straight girls you can't tell. I know that she had boyfriend, apparently she was engaged but they broke up on the company xmas party day, in fact she never showed up at the party as she was supposed to. The worse part is that since March I also work for this girl among the many people I have to work for in my company. Back in February, pushed by my sister to find out the truth, I sent her a friend request over Facebook. Sent it in the evening around 10pm or so. The following morning around 7am out of sheer embarrasment I canceled my request to her, hoping that she never saw it. Towards the end of Feb she was meant to attend a meeting set up by her boss with me and my line manager. She never showed up, her boss saying that she had to meet some clients or something. However she had to come and talk to me about the work that I have been doing for her since March. The day that she came up to my floor (we're on separate floors now, irony of the sort) to brief me on what the hell I needed to produce for her, I was coming down with cold & flu hence looking like shit. It's such a confidence-boosting feeling when the person you're crushing on looks at you with utter disgust because you're ill, stepping back from you and poorly briefing you on what work she needs from you. I seriously detested her that day and thought "Who the hell does she think she is for treating me like that??" She honestly looked down on me with disgust and was quite abrupt in her manners. I thought "Has that something to do with my FB request that I cancelled?" Nevertheless apparently she is very happy with the kind of work I have done so far for her, she thanked me a few times by email but that's about it. When she pops up on my floor, god forbid she greets me.. Mind you, hardly anyone in the company I work for greets people. The only word we exchanged live was about two weeks ago or less, I was going out for a cig brake, there she was coming in, me going out, she saw me and said "Hey" with me glancing back at her mirroring the same succinct, unpersonal, detached, cold greeting of her. Last night was the final straw. Foolishly agreed to go out for drinks after work with some colleague of mine at nearby bar. There were other people from the company we saw there, plenty from the department she works but she wasn't there. And i was happy about that. Five minutes later she pops out of the blue, passing me by nonchalantly like I was a ghost and of course god forbid aknowledging my presence in any shape or for, despite the fact that I have been working for her for nearly 3 months now. I was with these corporate type of people, all drinking and talking, chatting and I felt like a total outcast. Always felt like an outcast. I don't fit in with the general "normal" mould of people. When I say normal (horrible word) I mean people who get married, have kids, who have bf/gf, who go out with friends, socialise by having drinks, whatever. The girls there from my company were/are the tipycal secretary types: sleek, pristine, pretty, not a single hair out of place from their scalp, snobby and very tough. I thought "WTF am I doing here?" I saw that she was talking to some of her colleagues, couldn't help but notice her. Of course she ignored me as she was busy talking to her lovely fucking colleagues and I was busy doing my best ignoring her as well, talking to other people. Yet I felt extremely uncomfortable. With myself and those individuals I had absolutey ZERO in common with. So I left just saying goodbye to one person, leaving those bastards behind, including this girl I stupidily felt what I felt for her for far too long, with whom I foolishly thought there was a mutual attraction and there never will be cause just by looking at the way she dresses I mean...definitely straight. Skirts, high heels, no make up whatsoever though. It's her stomping walk, the slightly hunched forward posture when she walks that sent a red gaydar alert. But who am I kidding? Straight as hell and absolutely not interested in getting to know an outcast like me. So finally after last night I woke up in tears this morning, realizing that I will never have the life that all those corporate snobby insensitive secretaries and bosses have for a lot of reasons. One because I never wanted anf two because I ma probably gay. I feel like a weirdo at my age. Well have always felt like a weirdo. I have contemplated suicide once again because of all this stupid crush in my head but also for feeling that I will never have true happiness with anyone for as long as I continue to feel attracted for girls I can't have. And even if I could have them, here comes the saddest part, I wouldn#t even know what to do with them cause I have never ever been in a relationship with anyone. Which at my age makes me a complete weirdo. Never told this anyone, ehnce lying all the time to anyone asking me about bf and stuff, making up names and all that to avoid the judgemental look ang crap from "normal" conventional people. I am very pissed off and sad with myself for allowing my heart to beat for another person who doesn't give a shit about me nor know that I exist. I will never be with someone.