Unrequited Love (Bi)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by GaiaMischief, Jun 24, 2008.

  1. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member


    First, I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not in crisis mode right now (Not yet anyways...but I'm fearing I could be soon...), so no need to reply if you don't want to.

    I had a very very close friend that stopped talking to me about a year ago. Before that happened he really was my only source of happiness and meaning. I relied on him for support and friendship, since all my other friends were (and still are, for the most part) nothing special. After awhile I stopped denying it, I realized I was bi and I was in fact in love with him. It's nothing I'm ashamed of...but I was 100% sure he was straight so it was obviously some source of depression having him as a friend. Even though I couldn't show my true feelings, the friendship we shared was still enough for me to be satisfied...I knew at the very least he shared the same feelings of close friendship that I had for him from the things his family heard him say about me.

    A year ago when he got a girlfriend everything changed. He stopped talking to most of his friends and after a fall out occurred between me and him we also stopped talking. I am pretty sure at this point this is because his girlfriend was influencing him to stop talking to me, thinking I was a bad influence on him. And he listened. I sunk into a deep depression, losing essentially my only real anchor to life, and attempted suicide. Obviously I didn't do a very good job, and a week after getting out of the hospital I e-mailed him asking him to call me about what had happened. He did, we had a brief conversation...and I never heard from him again beyond that. I still struggled but I eventually got over it and went on.

    Now I'm here, a year later, and despite a few bumps in the road lately I'm doing relatively ok. I have a minor alcohol problem but beyond that I'm mentally healthy and content compared to last year. I heard about a week ago from a friend that he broke up with his girlfriend, saying she was too clingy and kept him away from his friends too much. Basically said he was trying to repair all the damage she had caused to the friendships he had, including ours.

    I have conflicting emotions about this. My head tells me that having any social contact with him again that goes awry risks bringing back the negative emotions that made me attempt. My heart tells me that I still love this person more than anything and would like to re-connect...even though I fully know I'd be stuck again keeping my feelings to myself. I've always had a subtle desire that I'd be some day in the position that I could at least tell him how I feel without fear of humiliation/being an outcast. That would be a huge weight off my shoulders...but seeing how he's already slightly homophobic it's more of a fantasy than anything.

    I have trouble understanding the guy sometimes. He hates almost no one, all he has ever wanted to do is help people. He's definitely not your average person...He's not someone who would turn their back on people that are suicidal...He's someone who's not afraid to show affection to his friends either. I just don't think he understands how badly he hurt me by not contacting me after I attempted. I want to, at the very least, communicate that to him. The closest answer I ever got as to why that happened was through his girlfriend, who claimed that I used him as a crutch too much. And I'm really not about to take that as coming from him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2008
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Okay, I'm gonna try to give some constructive and helpful reply to this, but forgive me if it's crap and not helpful at all. I'll do my best :hug:

    I can *sort of* relate to you, as in.. I have a friend with whom I was really close and I developed feelings for her. But she had a girlfriend, so nothing could happen. We remained close and I didn't exactly tell her about my feelings.. Then when she broke up with her girlfriend we lost touch for a while as she isolated herself a bit. After some months we got back in touch though and got really close again. The feelings *sort of* came back. It was different, but still there were some sort of feelings present. And one time when I was staying over at hers, we ended up feeling up on each other and stuff. After that, things just changed. We are way less close. And like you I'm torn at the moment. On one hand I want to get back to being as close as we were cos I love her to bits and I really miss the friendship, but on the other hand I think the way things are now, are for the best. I have decided to leave it like this for a while, just be in touch every now and then, as this way I can't fuck things up, but she's still in my life at least a bit.

    How would that work for you? Like, get back in touch with your friend, and speak each other every now and then, but don't go back to being as close as you were (at least not yet)? You could always try that for a while and see how your feelings are by then, and then see if you wanna go back to being as close as you were or not.. :dunno:

    Whatever path you choose, I wish you the best of luck. Love can be tough :hug:
  3. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    It does sound similar to what I've been dealing with...though the gender is a huge factor since it's generally looked down upon in western culture for guys to show any kind of physical affection between friends. I don't mean to stereotype, but I'm under the impression this is a bit different for girls. Taking from my experience, I'm hoping you're having an easier time dealing with it than I am.

    Whether I like it or not, this is probably what's going to happen. I can't see things being like they used to be for awhile...and before I patch anything up I just need to communicate these feelings I have of being betrayed. I want him to understand how much sadness he caused by abandoning me because his time with his girlfriend was more important. If he can't understand that, as much as it would hurt, I don't think I would want to ever talk to him again.

    Of course, then I'd get the rebuttal that comes so often from my friends that "we're not girls" and "we shouldn't be creating drama or holding grudges", completely belittling how I feel. Then again everyone thinks that I just think of him as a friend, I'm pretty sure even he never picked up on the feelings I had for him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2008