Unrequited Love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Ralderable, Dec 2, 2012.

  1. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    This particular story goes back to when I was about eleven years old. I wasn't any different from your regular teenager, I had plenty of friends, plenty of outlets and plenty of reasons to look upon life with a postive mindset. I had been taking violin classes for approximately six years and the class I was in, was allowed the chance to practice with an actual orchestra for a few weeks. During one of those rehearsals I met the most beautiful woman I ever had the pleasure of sharing a smile with. Only back then, I had no way of knowing just how severely she would manage to chance my life over the course of several years.

    We became more and more acquainted as the days progressed. She was kind, and rather charitable with her compliments, I grew to enjoy her company as much as she enjoyed mine. We would always sit next to each other and it made the experience so much more memorable. After a few weeks, after we got to know each other some and after the actual performance... we both went out seperate ways again.

    We never shared any personal information other than our names, no way of contacting one another. So months went by and she had not exactly been on my mind all that much because at the time, while I did adore her, such things as romantic feelings, weren't a prime concern of mine. She crossed my mind now and again but that was about it.

    Two years later, we were once more allowed to practice with the same orchestra and once more did we encounter each other, she immediately recognized me and was clearly captivated. Unfortunately I had forgotten her name, however when I looked at her after all this time... I realised just how beautiful, amazing and special this person before me actually was. Her voice was so soft and calming, almost like a birds lullaby waking you in all bliss, during a sunlit morning. These images, I can still recall just how they managed to, eventhough she was atleast eight years older, set in motion never-ending feelings of love.

    From that moment on, everything changed for me. The rehearsals were as wonderful as they were previously and she was practicalky the same still and yet the experience was so different for me than it was last time we conversed. A few weeks went by again, and we had gotten to know each other even better. Unfortunatly that dreaded kiss goodbye on my cheek was inevitable, I buried myself in her shoulder and my only wish was to stay there forever. I had written her a letter that day, sharing with her my gratitude and the appreciation for her presence the past few days, hoping that maybe one day we would come to face each other once again.

    The goodbye wasn't necessarily a heart-crushing experience at the time, I was genuinely thankful of the time we managed to spend together and I promised myself I would let these memories be nothing more than something to smile about.

    A few months went by again, until we were all given the invention of facebook, I made my account and added my friends, as any regular person would. I did not even think of searching for her for some reason... but a few days later... There she was, she requested for us to be facebook contacts, and of course I accepted her request.

    A whole new world opened for me when it came to her... We learned so much more about each other. I found out she was a model and a painter even... If there was anything at the time that could keep me interested it was art so I fell in love with her even more... eventhough at the time I did not realise what it was that I actually felt.

    Instant messaging became a regular occurance for me whenever she was online. We would converse for hours at an end, from the most casuals things to more important subjects. After a while she started teasing me, she allowed me to imagine a future with her once I had grown into a respectable adult. She made promises.... Promises that made my heart go aflutter and so our friendship grew... into something more... atleast that was what I perceived as happening.

    After I turned sixteen we would go out more, together. For a drink, or we would share our artwork... I was invited to her home on more than one occasion, and since then she was the only thing on my mind. This went on for quite a while... As I grew older, I became more in touch with my feelings for her, and eventually I made them known... I wrote her another letter, explaining how I felt, I started buying her gifts, making drawings and paintings of her to keep her impressed. She seemed completely fine with it, and was increasingly flattered... She allowed herself to share similar feelings with me, however discreet.

    A few months after that.... Everything became different, she suddenly stopped contacting me, or answering me if I did... Weeks.... Months and not a word... I removed my facebook account in a desperate attempt to forget about her, because seeing her pictures only made the pain more severe... My heart was broken and everything just went downhill from there... After a while it became known, she found someone, someone she was willing to share her life with. Obviously that person was way more mature than I was.

    I kept sending her an email, every other month, asking for an explanation, asking for anything... a response... Just something...

    All I got, after a considerate amount of time was ''Please stop contacting me''

    I couldn't emotionally grasp it... After all we went through, after the way she stole my heart... I had nothing left... Nothing mattered anymore but her. I couldn't make sense of the situation in anyway and the agony was so excruciating... As a result I started disliking everything about myself. My appearance for the most part.. I felt, and still feel like the elephant man. I grew increasingly envious of everyone around me, feeling like the least important person around and after a while it had gotten really distressful, I wouldn't leave the house, I wouldn't go to school and I couldn't envision being loved by anyone else, ever again... I still can't ... I wouldn't even leave my bed. Everyone around me grew worried and I was dying a little more day by day. A disturbing amount of self destruction plagued me, the memories of her haunting me like the sudden silence of forest bereaved of a wolfs howl.

    What came next... was my first suicide attempt. Where I unfortunately failed in my attempt.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 2, 2012
  2. truthhurts

    truthhurts Well-Known Member

    i'm not sure i have much meaningful stuff to say to you, but i read your post and i am quite moved. you seem like a really nice and caring person, and i think there is no reason for you to feel less 'worthy' because she left you. i'm really sorry this happened to you, but i do not think this is in any way your fault. being in love with someone that doesn't feel the same way can indeed be very difficult, and it takes a lot of time to get over, but i hope u'll be able to realize that there are other people, and you may come to love someone else, someone who can share these feelings with you. i hope you will be able to stop putting yourself down for this, because i really doubt it had anything to do with what you are like, it seems like she just fell for someone else, which could happen to anyone, regardless of what they're like. my heart goes out to you in sense that i've also experienced unrequited love, and i'm also still trying to get over it. stay safe and strong *hugs*
  3. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Thank you for your response Truthhurts.

    I am sorry you are experiencing the same troubling emotions as I am. What you said means a lot, I am most grateful. *hugs* I wish you the same strenght in return
  4. Percarus

    Percarus Account Closed

    I feel for you... I mean, all this emotional hurt that she must have made you go through could have been simply avoided if she was upfront to you about wanting to seek someone else to love. By what I gathered she led you on for months, mayhap she liked the attention, or maybe this new man that emerged in her life was an altogether very unpredictable situation that no one could have foresee – it still does not explain why she would have played with your feelings so much. Some of the biggest fallacies in this world is that individuals have a failure to communicate their sentiments to others in a truthful manner. Sure, as you get even older you will realize that these things may or may not keep on occurring. Each time you will learn from your mistakes and by the time you reach middle age you will be able to look back at all of this and be grateful for the stories such experiences have given you in life and as to what mature individual it has developed your inner being into becoming.

    You had a suicide attempt, this was brave but indeed VERY foolish. Do not even contemplate on another attempt because you cannot even understand the notion of how many opportunities there really are if only you learn where to look for them. It could be your neighbour, it could be someone you meet on a pre-planned holiday, or mayhap you could meet the most fantastic person through work or a social function. Life begins at 40, and when I say this I truly mean it (or to some 30), because at that age everything is within your fingertips if you are at least able to express your inner self through words. And as I can see you can certainly do this in writing so it is only a matter of small time before you master social situations in all effects.

    I have four friends that attempted suicide, only one of them actually succeeded, and you would not believe how tragic it was. This individual was completely athletic, social, good looking, and had this amazing laugh. He was also a Christian but unfortunately for him it was the very restrictions of being a Christian that led to him being suicidal as his circle of friends did not enjoy going out to drink, chat to women, and have a few laughs at the pub. Christianity does not mean you can forfeit your ‘good’ pleasures in life but Merv didn’t see it this way. He hanged himself and it was tragic because no one saw it coming but me, I felt enormous guilt. The reason I did not do anything is because everyone that I approached indicated to me there was nothing wrong with him and that he had an active life, I did not quite believe but I did try to reach out to him (he was more of acquaintance).

    Well, turns out Merv had clinical depression and it is this very facet that made him blind to the enormous potential he had in life, he was well liked by all, went to the gym, and partook in many Christian social activities. If I could go back in time I would have done something, but alas I can’t, and just like if you succeed in committing suicide you will be doing the most foolish thing imaginable because opportunities are out there, you just have to go out and get it. Sure, it may be essential for you to establish priorities first, and this may be an impediment to other areas, but believe me patience is a virtue of which I still hope on proving to myself.

  5. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Thanks a lot for your elaborate and understanding response.

    I am truly sorry for your friend Merv... I understand how such an attempt affects more lives than just ones own... I understand that its impossible for anyone to predict the future, many good things may cross my path if I manage to hold on for that long, however just like your friend, during the moments of deepest hurt I am blind to such simple truths. I find it painful that while love was once for me a most sacred and pure aspect of life, it has now become something I fear, almost more than life itself. Please don't feel guilty for what happened to your friend, because in no way did he wish for you or anyone else close to him, to experience hurt over his decision. What happened to me, completely shattered my self confidence however... I just hope I manage to glue back all the pieces someday.

    Thank you.
  6. Sans

    Sans Member

    I'm glad that you are alive too, Ralderable. I don't think that what happened reflected in any way on you as a person. I do hope that you will develop confidence in yourself once again - you sound like a kind-hearted, sensitive individual. I myself adore music and the arts passionately, and am studying piano professionally. I definitely understand the attraction. :)

    Think small steps. Do something that you like. Listen to music, go out for a concert, take a walk, watch a movie, whatever it is that makes you feel good. Self-care is important in times of heartbreak. You might also consider developing new interests that will allow you to enjoy yourself while, at the same time, feel a sense of accomplishment due to learning cool skills. I think that you can feel happy again, despite everything in your head telling you otherwise. There is a lot of fun in life and you do not have to give it all up for one person. You have been thinking about her for a long time. Why not do something for yourself now?

    What do you think?
  7. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    Wow. That'a quite a post! I mean that in the most positive sense. It's obvious by the way you express yourself that you're an intelligent and sensitive person. I've been in this situation too. I'm still effected by it, but over time it will get better. That sounds like a load of crap, but it will. The way this woman handled the situation is truly bad, but people like her are the exception, not the rule.
  8. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Thank you for your responses Sans and Paul :)

    I will keep all that in mind, I do hope that over time this hurt will lessen.