Thats the only word that I can think of that describes what I am going through. My pdoc died and it took me a while to get a new one, my fault really, I didn't want to admit my doc was gone. But the result is I don't see the new doc until May 1st. That leaves me the rest of the semester at college to get through and I don't know if I can do it. My thinking is off and I am suicidal. But there is nothing to do about it except push through and I don't know if I can. I don't want to lose this semester and if I am hospitalized I will. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place so to speak. The one thing I was looking foward to I am not anymore, which is strange, but thats how depressed I am. I see my therapist Monday, but I don't know how much good that will do. I have a feeling I will be calling her sooner than that. Life is so hard, just living each day, some days are good most are bad these days and I am so discouraged. I was doing so well and then everything just goes south. I need help but theres no where to get it, I just have to continue like this. Its like being trapped.