Unsure, Lost, Undone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostsoul1985, Oct 31, 2014.

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  1. lostsoul1985

    lostsoul1985 New Member

    I have been through a lot of abuse in my life... Today, I ruined my children's Halloween. I took them trick-or-treating, with my youngest sons bio dad (my "fiance") and the night went well. Then, my oldest son whose 9 and already going through puberty, who has Tourrettes and ADHD, who has PTSD and depression, abandons his little brother at the door. Typical thing to do, right? Well, my fiance felt it was okay to get onto him and tell him to, "Pay more attention next time." He proceeded to argue with me when I pointed out he hurt his feelings, and continued to say my son was a cry baby and needed to grow up. Came home, and my son breaks down in front of my mom. Long story short, my mother is terminally ill with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer but she has alway been on the angry side. He makes sure I can't just let it die at the door. No, I have to tell her what happened. Then I'm ripped into by my fiance for telling, he leaves (telling me we're done in the process) and then my mother jumps on me for ruining my oldest sons Halloween. I am my mother and fathers caretaker. I do not work, I wish I did, but I am in college obtaining a second Masters degree. Oh, and what for? It's in Psychology. There's no point in even continuing since now I'm feeling like such utter garbage that I would beg for my life to end. On top of everything else I am 29, I own nothing, I am married and divorced, two kids with two different dads, I'm overweight, ugly, I have a bad heart, found out my liver is bad, and I have developed Social Anxiety. I am SO done with life. I don't even know what to do anymore. Am I crazy? Am I just overstressed? I have no idea, and I have nobody to turn to. Obviously, the only people I would turn to are the ones who have turned against me. **Sigh**
     
  2. lanna87

    lanna87 New Member

    Hey,

    I am so sorry this is happening. I completely understand feeling like something like that is all your fault, but it is not. It just isn't. Even if you don't believe that, you have to tell yourself that there was more than just you involved in that blow up. I'm sure you are so stressed out and overwhelmed but you are NOT crazy. You are a worthwhile mother and caretaker and people depend on you for a reason - because you are important and essential to their lives. To take care of two kids and both your parents at 29 years old while getting a second masters degree means that you must be an amazing, determined human being. Remember that you have that strength inside of you, and that is so so important and not everyone has that ability or would agree to take on so much responsibility. Take some time for some self-care - go for a walk, take a bath, buy yourself a small gift - because you deserve it. You definitely deserve it.
     
  3. lostsoul1985

    lostsoul1985 New Member

    Thank you, lanna87... I wish to God I could believe that... I have ruined my relationship with my son and my mother. Neither will look at me or talk to me. I know in a sense my mother has brainwashed my oldest over the years because she took care of him a lot of the time. So, I don't know. Not feeling any better today. If anything, I feel worse. I appreciate you reaching out the way you did, thank you.
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    We all say things we regret. Give it time and apologize when both are calmed down. Family is always going to be difficult but I forgive my family when they say stupid things from time to time atfer im calmed down
     
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