more and more i have been feeling totally lost, unsure of who i am or what i may do, thoughts of suicide plague me and that really scares me. my brain and heart seem to be in constant battle over what to do, to carry on with my miserable life or continue to prolong it. i have nothing here, no friends to pop round and lift my spirits, my financial situation is beyond a joke, so much that i am waiting for payday to actually get my meds, i don't sleep that well, eat like a mouse as i hardly have any food in the house, banned from seeing my kids through no fault of my own. i go to work and then come home to an empty house, i sit and do nothing and the weekends are worse, 2 whole days of seeing or speaking to noone. i really am a pale shadow of who i am or was, i have no faith in myself and i know i will do something stupid sometime.