Unsure of what to do, how I should feel and act.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by CJS, Nov 26, 2008.

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  1. CJS

    CJS New Member

    Hi, I'm writing in thoughts about my girlfriend, not myself. Though I've been depressed in the past, it took meeting the girl I'm with now and finding out what she's been through to make me come back down to earth.

    Before I start telling this story, I'm just going to see if anyone is going to be willing to read and help, it'll be really appreciated.

    For now, without detail, I've been with her for over 13 months, she's my longest relationship, out of two..., and one I never expected to have. She's been through alot in the past, and I've come here to talk about it because I can't talk to anyone we know because they are her secrets and her issues, that I can't expose to people close to us because she really wants to just bury it.

    I think these things are coming up again though and ... well I'll go through everything if there are people here to talk to about it.

    Many thanks.
  2. alle_vite

    alle_vite Well-Known Member

    Im here to listen if you wanna chat!!

  3. Rockster

    Rockster Guest

    same here, around to listen and chat for ya
  4. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    13 months is a real good time amount of time to be in a relationship. Whatever your doing you must be doing it well.

    I'll give my 2 cents and add that it is never easy to talk about the things that have eaten away at us in the past or present. Sometimes when people want to forget, it's because they have 'solved' their problems and want to move on. A lot of the time though I believe it's because they just can't face it. But that's like having an illness and ignoring it. It doesn't get any better.
    I guess it's a hard thing to see where she is at with it all, but as you say if things are starting to come up again then it could be the right time to talk.

    It is no easy thing to help someone through massive problems. You mentioned you've been down in the past to. You definitly have your head screwed on by looking for help from others who won't judge either of you.

    I reckon the first thing you need to do is find out what she feels about it all. Whether she wants to talk or not. The answers should feel right.
  5. CJS

    CJS New Member

    Thanks all, I really hope I can find some solutions to all this.

    Ok, well I guess I should start.

    When we first met it was at a friends flat, peoplewould randomly gather there and alot of friends were made there, as anyone who knew the guy who lived there, and who knew other people, could just stop by. It wasn't a drunken party kind of place, alot of them just play consoles together, cards and then late at night we'd wander around town at about 2AM just talking about stuff going on.

    That was one "phase" if you will in my life where I actually had some socialisation with people, I came out of school at 17 and worked on a bar, late nights and sleeping during the day left little time for friends.

    When I did start hanging out with people again, the flat is the first place I can remember.

    This was July-September time last year, when I first met my girlfriend it was obvious she was in a bad place. She came round the flat with some other guy I knew who said he found her and another girl wandering the streets. I was shocked that they agreed to come back, but when I realised my girlfriend didn't actually say anything atall and this other girl was loud, flirty and looking for amusment, then i kind of made sense.

    She used to dress in mostly black, her blond hair was dyed black, skinny jeans, gloves with sleeves and alot of eyeliner. Back then her face was white, and she was really skinny, I later found out she didn't eat since things started getting to her. I should probably mention she was 15 and about 5 months at this point in time, she started realising what she had been through and the stress of a hard time at school hit al at once.

    It was obvious she was in trouble. Over the next few weeks we'd go out on walks, four of us, the flat owner, the guy who found her, myself and her. She was pretty, I've got to admit, but there was something else that made me stick around her.

    I've got this need to help people, to please them. I do it with the customers at work, going that extra mile for them, when people are wrong about something or make a mistake I try not to notice and then there was this girl, broken to the point of not talking or eating. I found out she was cutting herself too, not stupid little scratches either, she's still got a hell of alot of scars now.

    The guy who found her said after a few weeks that I could make her smile, that she always asked if I was going to be out when people were out. I in no way thought she was attracted to me or anything, this was september now, I knew she had issues, and we'd spent time together, but I amlways assumed that she was just a real friendly and nice person, that she treated people all the same. Well, she is, which is why I never knew how she felt about me.

    She soon got together with the guy who first found her, which threw me off even more. She later said she just wanted someone to be there, and being as I had just come across my first (yeah, I was 20) girlfriend, I didn't spend as much time with her. I soon split up with this other girl though it didn't last long.

    I never felt anything for her then, it was only after I went away for a week to visit grandparents that things started changing. I came back on a sunday, I called up a few friends to see who was about and got told by her boyfriend that he was at work and to go see her, as she hadn't contacted him today.

    So I went round, I'd met heer mum before, she said she was upstairs, so I went upstairs. What I found upstairs almost threw me into panic. She's taken an overdose, written a note, and had some song on repeat that I still can't bear to listen to. I checked she was concious, breathing, whatever and got an ambulance.

    I had always thorugh she was getting better, from when I met her to that point she had been talking, she still cut herself but I couldn't stop that, I asked her to take care of herself though and in a blog she said she would, and it had stopped her on a couple of occasions.

    While she was lying there I kept trying to wake her, I told her to squeeze my thumb, she opened her eyes, and this single tear went down her cheek, she made a weak smile, then was gone again. That really pulled on my heart strings, though I was mad at her for the whole thing, i forgot about that.

    I went to the hospital with the flat owner, her boyfriend (who was with her) and the girl that was originally found with her. I couldn't stop crying there, and they asked if I could see her, which I could, and they left us alone.

    I couldn't believe what emotions were going through me, I was sat next to her, she was tired, no make up, her cuts all bandaged up. I really felt like I had failed.

    I LIKED taking care of people. I thought I was doing her good.

    I got told that a couple of days into her being at the hospital. That she was different when I visited. By this time I was working nights at work, and I'd finish my shft at 7, get the bus to the hospital and sit there with her and whoever else was there.

    I remember so much from that one week, apart from being incredibly tired from work and no sleep, its one of the most active memories in my mind. She was so much happier, I didn't know it was because I was there, but to me this was great, she'd been through this and seemed to have recovered better than she was before.

    It was while I was with her that week I wanted to be there for her alot more than I was allowed as a friend. I wanted to tell her that she could count on me to be there whenever and wherever she was, that I'd come running at the drop of a hat. But I couldn't that was the guy who she was currently with, and he was the one who bought her the paracetamol because she had a "headache"

    I got mad at random things, the fact he rwas with her when all he talked about with me is how he fucked her. She was 15 I couldn't believe what he was saying. He was 24, I just wanted to throttle him. But to me, that was all she had, that was her lifeline. He did care, to some extent. I think he wanted her to be ok for the relationships sake, rather than her own. So it would be easy, and he could have a normal girlfriend.

    A couple of weeks or so after the hospital, she went to her uncles wedding, her boyfriend was working, so she called me up and asked me to go with her. I thought she meant a group of us were going, I dont know if I would have said no though if she said her boyfriend wasn't. My heart leapt a little bit when I found out it was just the two of us.

    She lokked stunning, she was still in her emo-goth clothes but they were really amazing, corset, fishnets, her hair was back-combed, I thought she was a totally different person.

    We had a great night, we danced, I met some of her family, and then we went home and fell asleep.

    the next day she split up with her boyfriend, and said she wanted to be with me. This whole situation came rushing up on me so quickley, I never EVER expected her to be with me, she had this boyfriend who I couldnt see anything coming between them, and my experience with girls is next to nothing, nobodies ever wanted me, or gone through extremes like this to have me.

    That was on the 1st of October, 2007. For our one year aniversary we went for a meal, I had wanted to take her somewhere, paris or greece, but most of my dreams come to a harsh reality of no money.

    It was when I got together with her I found out what she had been through. I'm going to tell you all, and let you speak before I tell you how this relationship is working, how it's affecting us.

    I knew she had issues with school and social workers, but one day she wrote a blog.

    She never met her father until her 16th birthday, he randomly came back after being banned from seeing her when she was 3 because of reasons I don't know.

    She was born to her mother when her mum was 19, she then lived with her mums mum for 2 years (Her nanny is amazing, she does everything for this family and she has about 5 kids of her own).

    Right now, at home, she has three brothers and a sister, all younger, all by different fathers. I had a hard time not judging her mother because although you can argue she just has had alot of badluck, she has made some stupid decisions that have made my girlfriends life a living hell.

    This is the order things have happened. Her second oldest brothers dad used to be violent and aggressive. He cared about his son and his son only, then one day pissed off without a word. Her sisters dad used to beat their mum, hold the kids head in the toilet and flush it, make them play "tag" and if they got caught they had to pull thier trousers (pants, americans) down and once raped their mum. Now his son, who lived with the family at the time, is one of the people in the world I wish would just die.

    He used to babysit the kids, and once he sent the two boys up to bed, he used to take my girlfriend to his room and rape her. She was 8, he called it "bump bumps" and all the kids at school were doing it. He'd say things like "It's time for bump bumps"

    On the day of her nannys wedding, her mum went while she was pregnant with her sister. When she came back she got a beating, the kids could hear her screaming, crying out for them not to listen, to go upstairs.

    the father tried to force a marrige on her mum, the day of the wedding, one of her uncles pulled up at the house and gathered them all up, then took them away, far away. The father went round trying to find her, he knocked out one of the uncles and when he saw them in the car, as they drove off, said he was going to find them, and kill them all.

    Next she talks about her youngest brothers dad. He's ok, to some point. If he ever was a bastard he's changed. She wrote that he was agressive, loud and got pissed off easily. They ran away from him too and recently found him again. He's an ok guy, he's not gone off on one while I've been there, and loves his son.

    Shes been cheated on by boyfriends, one guy, the one before last, told her if she ever left him he'd kill himself. that was when she wanted to leave him, and he used to hit her. He's the other guy I went to just vanish.

    If there was anything else, I can't remember it, or I don't want to.

    Sorry for all the wordzs, I'll tell you all how our relationship is soon.

    When I was reading this blog with everything in I cried, I creid so much I had to come home from work to be with her.
  6. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    That's an incredible amount of stuff to have happen to you :(
    It pretty evident that she isn't going to get better soon by ignoring this. A good start is she's found a bloke who isn't a jerk. I bet that means more than you know to her. She also seems to trust you a lot to tell you about all that happened.
    I think right now the important thing is to talk to her about how she feels day to day. Nothing too in depth, but to see if she is still very depressed, or if she is coping to a point. You'll know better than anyone how far to push it.

    It's good to have focus so you should (subtly) try to find out what she wants from life. If she thinks she can get 'better'. If she even wants to. If she even feels bad.
    These are slow processes and can change over time. I suppose for something so severe as attempted suicide she should get therapy, but it's not always easy for someone who's been through rape.

    I'de also tell you to be very careful. You said you had a history with depression. Maybe seeing her very sad will make you very sad. And if she is sad a lot due to depression then it could have bad effects on the both of you. That is one thing I can actually vouch for.

    What do you reckon you should do for her? Ask that question first then look at it clinically to see if you think it will work.
    I don't know your girlfriend so I wouldn't know how she reacts. You'll have to trust your judgement.
    Even getting her to just tell you how she is truly feeling at this point is getting somewhere in my books though.

    Sorry if I blabber on, I only just realised how much i've typed lol.
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