I am a 46 year old married man. I have no job or prospect of getting one. My wife is becoming silently resentfull as I have battled major depression for three years now after we sold the cows from our dairy farm. I have struggled with suicidal ideation for thrity years now. I have been sober for over ten years now. I have sat with a <edit mod total eclipse method> many times wishing for that one second of irreversible decision to come and yet I am still here. I do not Know what good there is in it. My wife and two daughters would finally be able to leave this run down old farmhouse if I was gone. I would not be a financial burden to my wife anymore. Her getting a halfway decent job played into the decision to sell the cows. Just couldn't let her put her off farm money into the farm. I have been seeing a wonderful counselor for over two years now. And here I am, still not finding a reason. I know it would hurt the kids but they are being hurt daily by seeing the example of a failure. Maybe the only thing that keeps me here is the feeling that I must suffer for my failure. I know this must sound like a big dose of self -pity but I don't feel sorry, I was given many blessings and that must be something but I just don't see a future.