Unsure of why I am still here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scotty66, Jan 7, 2013.

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  1. Scotty66

    Scotty66 New Member

    I am a 46 year old married man. I have no job or prospect of getting one. My wife is becoming silently resentfull as I have battled major depression for three years now after we sold the cows from our dairy farm. I have struggled with suicidal ideation for thrity years now. I have been sober for over ten years now. I have sat with a <edit mod total eclipse method> many times wishing for that one second of irreversible decision to come and yet I am still here. I do not Know what good there is in it. My wife and two daughters would finally be able to leave this run down old farmhouse if I was gone. I would not be a financial burden to my wife anymore. Her getting a halfway decent job played into the decision to sell the cows. Just couldn't let her put her off farm money into the farm. I have been seeing a wonderful counselor for over two years now. And here I am, still not finding a reason. I know it would hurt the kids but they are being hurt daily by seeing the example of a failure. Maybe the only thing that keeps me here is the feeling that I must suffer for my failure. I know this must sound like a big dose of self -pity but I don't feel sorry, I was given many blessings and that must be something but I just don't see a future.
     
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  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i can assure you your children love you so much and would not want to see any harm come to you. It would harm them forever if you left hun the damage would not be undone
    I am glad you are seeing a good therapist hun keep talking to her ok The thing with suicidal ideation hun is that they are just thoughts ok and if you can just see it as that a thought not meant to be act on just to acknowledge and to let them go ok. I have also had these thoughts and like you i chose not to pass on the pain to my family by leaving that is just something i cannot do I do that pain of loosing someone to suicide hun and it never leaves. Have you talked to your doctor about getting on the newer medication hun for depression or adding on to meds if you are on some. I hope you continue to talk here hun because many here do understand hun hugs
     
  3. Scotty66

    Scotty66 New Member

    I am still here this morning and feeling a little better.Having a father whose sexual abuse hurt ones that I love and a mother who enabled him, I always wished my parents would die to stop them from hurting others. I have never hurt anyone in that way and I have kept my children from my parents so I guess I should feel good about that. Thank You for saying its just thoughts. We are working in counseling to get to where I don't condemn myself for thoughts.
     
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