Unsure

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by seishou, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. seishou

    seishou Guest

    I was sorta unsure where to put this..but I suppose it's here, sorry if it's not..

    During my life I've gone through alot of crap(what I am about to write being one of many pieces of crap), some of you may hate me for what I write now, I don't blame you.. I hate myself for it as well..

    when I was around 5-7 years old I remember being touched and doing..err, sexual..stuff with my 3 years older uncle. I don't remember how long it lasted, but I do remember he initiated it. Being young himself I can't really blame him. And at the time I thought it was a perfectly normal thing..so in my immense stupidity, during the same period of time...I did the same thing to my best friend, during the same period of time it happened to me. I don't remember how long it lasted, but it didn't take me long to find out it was wasn't natural, it wasn't supposed to be like that...it was wrong. and so it ended. Ever since then I felt bad about that, it was something I never wanted to happen again. a couple years later me and this friend got into a pretty big argument, at some point he accused me of raping him. I couldn't even say anything to that, every old bad memory of those things resurfased. I don't even know if he meant it seriously or not, but these memories haunt me still, I can't forget it. it torments me every single fucking moment of the day. i don't even know if what happened to me can classify as rape, I thought it was normal, but I didn't want it to happen. yet I did it to someone else... I feel so fucking disgusted with myself! I can't even think about sex without thinking about this, I have huge trouble with intimacy. I don't like people touching me. I don't trust people. I'm still attracted to girls(I'm not gay, despite this), but I feel scared whenever I think about sex.. I just can't bring myself to do it, and I've had more than one possibility to do it.

    I dunno, my problems are useless. I'm like a scab that makes other people's lives miserable. is it even abuse? should it even be bothering me?

    was what I did to my friend abuse? I think it was, and I regret it every single day that I live. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this, I know people probably have bigger problems.

    Meh I just feel so desperate, but I know I don't deserve anyones pity. I guess I just needed to tell someone, anyone. Nobody else know about this, it probably shouldn't bother me either..but it truly does, am I just overreacting?:/
     
  2. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Of course you're not overreacting. What happened to you was most definitely abuse by your uncle, he had no right to do that to you. At that age there's no way you would be able to understand what was going on, so you cannot be blamed for what you did to your friend.

    The fact that it ended when you knew it was wrong says a lot...it proves that you did it merely because your uncle was doing it to you, not for any other reason.

    It is your uncle who should feel disgusted, not yourself, you have NOT done anything wrong. Please believe that. And don't believe that your problems are useless! You've been through a lot, and deserve the support of this forum as much as anyone else.

    If you need to talk, pm me or add me on msn,
    Lauren :hug:
     
  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    so you were abused when you were 5-7 and ur uncle was like 10? did i get that right?
    It may have been abuse, i mean he was older so maybe and if you werent initiating it then yes. And as unfortunate as it is, victims who have been abused oftenly abuse others too. I dunno how it works, but it just happens, like they think it's ok to do it. How old were you when you did it?
     
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