First off let me say that I dont plan on committing suicide - there is a difference between planning on it and thinking about it. So here goes... Lately thoughts of hurting (and killing) myself have been filling up my brain. I wont say what kind of thoughts I have been having but I will say that out of the blue they will jump into my brain and grab hold. I have been suffering a severe depression streak for weeks now.. Today I actually slept until 2pm.. I woke up so irritable that when everyone else got up I just slumped under my cover and went back to sleep.. Getting thru each day is getting harder and harder to do. My stepdad said he only has a months work left on his and my moms new house but now hes got a two month contract for a job. There house was suppose to be done two years ago - Im getting the house they move from in case your wonderin why Im so upset about the matter. He works 10 days and is home for only 2 or 3 days..Not enough time to finish their house...I dont want to be in my house another summer..Its depressing and Im not sure I can handle it. I keep telling myself that I wont break down but Im not sure I can handle it all. My life just keeps getting worse and worse.. Its like a constant downhill path and I cant get my grip.. Im crying a lot lately..Im pretty much shutting the world our expect for those I have to let in because they are a constant force.. Its easy to sit at home and hide... I dont have anyone to talk to anyhow if I were to go out in the world - so I post here... I cant seem to shake the thoughts of doing awful things to myself. I feel like such shit - like a giant peice of trash..I have a crappy house, old car, and no money.. I dont have nice clothes and cant buy anything nice at all really... I cant see a doctor for my health problems and I rarely leave the house.. I feel like Im a waste of space and that Im doing nothing but taking up good resources from someone happy who actually deserves them... I dont like being the way that I am - I just cant change it. I didnt ask to be a miserable pathetic wretch.... I dont know why I posted or where I meant this post to go.. I just want the pain to go away. I want to feel loved, needed, useful, ect, ect... I have never liked myself and I dont see that changing anytime soon.. I cant see what other people see..I cant see a beauitful woman like my husband does..I cant see the good poetry writer and good cook that he sees. I cant see the kind person that he sees. I cant see the lovely girl my grandma sees...I cant see anything good about myself because I have never had a reason to think anything good of myself.. My life is pure shit...Everday I sit and listen to all the crap going on around me... I feel like such a waste... I cant even look at my son and feel good about myself..I look at him and am reminded that Im a failer...I cant buy him good clothes, good toys, or anything good..I dont even have the strenght anymore to run to him when he crys because he whines over stupid shit- like when its lights out and his tv has to go off, when I wont cook him noodles for dinner, when I wont buy him that $50 toy at walmart., when hes mad at something his Dad does, or when hes angry he cant visit his grandma..Im so run down that I couldnt even handle going to his doctors appointment with him so his dad went without me... When I look at everyone I love I see failure - failure with myself...I have let down everyone that I love and that loves me..I wish they all could see that Im hurting and that Im sorry..