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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Mar 23, 2010.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    First off let me say that I dont plan on committing suicide - there is a difference between planning on it and thinking about it. So here goes... Lately thoughts of hurting (and killing) myself have been filling up my brain. I wont say what kind of thoughts I have been having but I will say that out of the blue they will jump into my brain and grab hold. I have been suffering a severe depression streak for weeks now.. Today I actually slept until 2pm.. I woke up so irritable that when everyone else got up I just slumped under my cover and went back to sleep.. Getting thru each day is getting harder and harder to do. My stepdad said he only has a months work left on his and my moms new house but now hes got a two month contract for a job. There house was suppose to be done two years ago - Im getting the house they move from in case your wonderin why Im so upset about the matter. He works 10 days and is home for only 2 or 3 days..Not enough time to finish their house...I dont want to be in my house another summer..Its depressing and Im not sure I can handle it. I keep telling myself that I wont break down but Im not sure I can handle it all. My life just keeps getting worse and worse.. Its like a constant downhill path and I cant get my grip.. Im crying a lot lately..Im pretty much shutting the world our expect for those I have to let in because they are a constant force.. Its easy to sit at home and hide... I dont have anyone to talk to anyhow if I were to go out in the world - so I post here... I cant seem to shake the thoughts of doing awful things to myself. I feel like such shit - like a giant peice of trash..I have a crappy house, old car, and no money.. I dont have nice clothes and cant buy anything nice at all really... I cant see a doctor for my health problems and I rarely leave the house.. I feel like Im a waste of space and that Im doing nothing but taking up good resources from someone happy who actually deserves them... I dont like being the way that I am - I just cant change it. I didnt ask to be a miserable pathetic wretch.... I dont know why I posted or where I meant this post to go.. I just want the pain to go away. I want to feel loved, needed, useful, ect, ect... I have never liked myself and I dont see that changing anytime soon.. I cant see what other people see..I cant see a beauitful woman like my husband does..I cant see the good poetry writer and good cook that he sees. I cant see the kind person that he sees. I cant see the lovely girl my grandma sees...I cant see anything good about myself because I have never had a reason to think anything good of myself.. My life is pure shit...Everday I sit and listen to all the crap going on around me... I feel like such a waste... I cant even look at my son and feel good about myself..I look at him and am reminded that Im a failer...I cant buy him good clothes, good toys, or anything good..I dont even have the strenght anymore to run to him when he crys because he whines over stupid shit- like when its lights out and his tv has to go off, when I wont cook him noodles for dinner, when I wont buy him that $50 toy at walmart., when hes mad at something his Dad does, or when hes angry he cant visit his grandma..Im so run down that I couldnt even handle going to his doctors appointment with him so his dad went without me... When I look at everyone I love I see failure - failure with myself...I have let down everyone that I love and that loves me..I wish they all could see that Im hurting and that Im sorry..
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you feel that way about yourself...is there any way to get entitlements so you can see a MD? I do not know the health care in your state but I do know that there is federal funding...go to a hospital and meet with a social worker to see what is available for you...and mostly, do not apologize...we all have rough spots and from what you have written, you sound compassionate and understanding...I wish you considered yourself in that equation...big hugs, J
     
  3. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I dont qualify for state funded medical care. Its such a joke where I live. If your an adult over the age of 19 and make more then $255 a month (total household income not just your own personal income) you dont qualify for state funded care (ie medical cards). The local hospitals offer no free clinics. The only two within a 60 mile drive one way of my house : 1 my mother is supervisor and they will not let me on the patient list (I dont qualify for free services anyhow if they would) and the other clinic is to far away to drive there to recieve services (expecially gas gas being $2.81 a gallon and it takes four gallon to make the drive up there and back). I went to this place for almost a year but it became to much of a burden - they wanted me once a week for therapy and at least once a month for the doctor - their doctor was rude and wouldnt listen to a word I had to say...So, no medical care is not an option for me...I have suffered for years needing surgery thats out of my reach due to the cost so if I had the option of medical care trust me I would of got it by now...Im not interested in medications for my schisoeffective disorder anyhow and thats all I would have the option for if I went to a doctor for it. I took the shit for ten years and got nothing but trouble. I had rashes that literally took my skin off - I gained 150 pounds - I slept for a minimum of 20 hours a day - Another medication kept me awake for three or four days at a time - another made my face twitch uncontrollably - another medicaion worked well for about six months and then stopped working and made my symptomw worse - then there was another one that made my leg muscles so stuff I couldnt use my right left - oh and another medication caused me to pass out a couple of dozen times a day - so no thank you on the medication factor... I dont want medication - I dont even want therapy. I also went to therapy for the biggest part of those ten years too and it proved useless...I dont know what I want or expect really...I just wish I had options.. My life is so useless and worthless...The damn tv company is shutting off my tv next week for unpaid bills...SHIT I paid every one of them...So now I have to attempt to clear the matter up in only a few days to get my damn money back. They lost almost $140 of my money...Thats not acceptable I only get just over $800 a month to keep my damn life running...I dont even know if I will pass credit checks to switch to another company now... Like I said - I dont know what I want..I just wish I had options..Options other then sit around and be miserable..Life is not what you make of it. I DIDNT choose to have a mental illness - I didnt choose to be poor - I didnt choose to be miserable... If I had my choice in the matter Id have money, Id have a good home, a good car, good clothes, good food in the fridge at all times..The only thing Id keep about my shit life now are the family I have and the pets that I have..The rest of my life could rot and burn without hurting my feelings any...Okay Im rambling now..Sorry
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    The Robert C Byrd Medical Center, affiliated with UWV is highly ranked and provides services on a sliding scale: http://www.hsc.wvu.edu/

    Is this an option? big hugs, J
     
  5. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    If you found a place thats actually in West Virginia ( I didnt take time to click on that link) WVU is in Morgantown. Morgantown is 150 miles away one way so its 300 miles round trip...No not an option. Sorry I didnt click on the link. Im sick of the damn health care issue and didnt want to bother.
     
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