Didn't know what to say. Been so mixed with emotions and things happening lately. I should be happy in some ways. I've got a place I'll be moving into next month and be on a 1yr lease, meaning I'll have stable housing again after nearly 2yrs. On the kinda mediocre side, it's the same complex I had left in March of 2012.. Only they have better management now, and a lot of the people I had issue with there have been evicted or moved. I will also be in a one bedroom unit instead which structurally are better then the studios. On the plus I know the area and I will be paying about 1/3 my income in rent instead of over $600. So overall I guess that's a good thing and I should be excited about it. I've somehow however been fairly depressed about a lot of things.. Lately I've not had the best memory. I feel like I am constantly out of reality. My anxiety is still causing issues. And I am still frustrated with the fact of inability to function / hold a job really.. I've recently contacted a few colleges because I want to take a few classes on graphic design and programming.. But I found out that if I get into that I may loose my housing and it also may affect my SSI benefits so instead I've been ignoring all my phone calls.. And I am crying a lot recently knowing I don't have the ability to remember enough while programming anymore to really work well.. I've thought about asking my therapist about anxiety meds.. and about the focus issues and dissociation more in depth. But as some of you here well know I am very touchy on the medications subject.. I'm waiting until after the holidays and maybe moving to schedule another appointment with her. I've also been having knee problems. I was supposed to get an x-ray a few months ago and never did.. I've been taking 2-4 pain pills every night (sometimes not even when im that much in pain) both for the pain and to sleep.. Somehow anti-inflammatories work at relaxing my muscles which are constantly flexed because of my PTSD / Anxiety (or something else?).. Today I was thinking "I wish I had money for a back massage" because all those muscles today were spasming in my back.. so meh.. At a point my doc gave me muscle relaxants.. which worked for a short period but then stopped working.. I tend to believe my anxiety issue is more a nervous system issue.. Considering anxiety meds never in the past have done anything and these pain meds do.. But who knows.. I guess lately (as far as I remember) I haven't walked blankly / thoughtlessly nearly infront of a train lately or bus.. Though I almost by a car.. So I suppose thats a good thing? In comparison to a month or two ago I suppose.. then again I don't live near a train track anymore so very unlikely.. I suppose this post is for anyone who was wondering about me.. which.. I'm doubtful there was many.. And wanted some sort of update..