Depression is a tyrannic ruler. I should know, it has ruled my whole life. At the minute its hold on me is so strong I struggle to even breathe. It is always with me, waiting in ambush for the first sign of weakness... Truth is: it has always been. I have been told that I chose to be unhappy. That I was needy. That I was weak... I have been given all those shitty advice such as get a hold of yourself, try and exercice... Poop, if I could do those things I would. People see what they want. It's easy to think "she needs time to herself" when in fact they just don't want the discomfort of dealing with you. I am scared all the time, I am terrified all the time, I hurt all the time. I am not the only one, I know that. No need to tell me. I know I will get through it. I have done it before and I will do it again. But right now I want to scream and cry and scream some more. The pain and the fear are taking over my mind, my sanity and my soul. I do alienate my friends because of the pain and fear. I am so scared of losing them that I push them away. If you are a friend you know what is happening in my life. I need you more than ever. I don't like asking for help. You know that. I hate to impose, I hate being demanding. But I also know that if I don't, I am taken for granted. Or for a doormat. The fact that I choose not to be a bitch doesn't mean I cannot be. It takes a lot to push past the point of no return but when it's done, it's too late. I don't do third chances. I am fiercefully loyal to my friends, I don't like to justify my choices. And yes I am disappointed and betrayed. And it tears me apart. Let me scream my pain, howl my fears and cry my tears. Then I will slowly be me again. Don't give up on me. Please. _______________________________________ Yes, I know this isn't a poem but I wanted to here. Here is where my words go.