Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by ĹốŞŧβōΨž, May 4, 2009.

  1. ok here goes i want to tell you about someone i lost in my life, she was only in it for 4 short years they were the happiest
    years of my life. She eventually killed herself. and my life just shattered i am sat here alone crying but i want to write this
    i want to let it out, because its coming up to a year since she died and i cant simply cope.

    I wanted to help her i tried, we meet when she was at uni were i lived we were both going through break ups. we started to talk
    and i used to go to hers on a night we would stay up night just talking about our problems, she had a serious eating disorder and
    suffered from depression. I was trying to deal with things that had happended in my childhood ( i was abused by a family member
    i am thinking what the hell i might as well let it out).

    She eventually went back home from uni and we drifted for a few months we then started talking together and fell in love not the greatest
    basias for a relationship but we helped each other, i was there when she need to talk and we planned our escape starting again. I was
    trying to get help, i wanted to get myself strong so she could rely on me. I wanted to be her strength i would have done anything if it helped
    her and i tried.

    Yes we argues yes it got hard sometimes, eventually she started blocking me out she withdrew i tried everything and got angry at myself
    if only i could have been a better person. She eventually killed herself- i didnt even get to say goodbye.I still have a box of presents under
    my bed for her, i used to every pay day go out and give her a box of small gifts to cheer her up useless i know i used to put some art work
    poems in it too, i open it every day and just stare at it. i get up in the morning and i miss her being there or the text that would be waiting

    I didnt go to the funeral i felt i didnt deserve to, i was the only person who knew her secrets how she felt i let her down so badly how could
    i have looked her family and friends in the eyes knowing this, it should of been me that died not her.

    After that i sunk deeper i tried to replace her but i guess i picked the wrong people i went out slept around for a few months got into a lot of fights
    had the shit kicked out of me. i wanted to punish myself. i ended up taking an overdose i had to be signed of work for a while. i picked up for a few
    months but now i am slipping again i have never felt this low.

    I miss having that person who knows me who knows what i have been through and knowing they loved me despite it, i miss making her laugh with
    my stupid jokes and looking in her eyes and feeling safe. it should have been me -do i get better or do i join her i want to see her again i want
    this to stop now.

    sorry i rambled so much
  2. The Scream

    The Scream Well-Known Member

    hi ĹốŞŧβōΨž
    sorry to hear about your loss...
    i never lost someone to suicide, but im sure it's one of the hardest to deal with...
    why do you think it should have been you?
    im sure you did what you could, but in the end it's up to her...
  3. It should have been me because i let her down, i wasnt strong enough. I made a promise to protect her and always be there and i wasnt.

    Maybe if i had done something different anything, it wouldnt have happend
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    From what youve said, you did everything possible to keep her going. Don't beat yourself up about this; like lostworld said "in the end, it was up to her".

    I lost a friend to suicide. Not the same situation, but another friend new he was thinking about it and nothing he, or his therapist or his family could say, could keep him from doing it in the end.

    You have to take care of yourself now and you're young and will meet someone eventually to love again! You will never forget her, nor should you, but you've got to move on and time does, in fact, heal all wounds.
  5. Truth is i know i could of done moreshe didnt deserve to go the way she did, she had such a bright future it was my job to make sure she fulfilled it. I failed the one person who accepted me, my love wasnt enough to keep her here.

    I cant think about the future all i can think about is relasing this pain, its like i am screaming on the inside. I would do anything just to have that last hour to be there so she knew she wasnt on her own. Sorry this is really hard to explain and i dont think i am saying it right so i am going to shutup now:mad::sad:
  6. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I haven't experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide but a friend of mine has and I remember what she said to me when she was making progress and coming to terms with her loss.
    She said she wished she had tried harder to make her Dad realise how much she loved him and how she would always be there for him but ultimately she knew he had made a decision and nothing she could have said or done would have ever stopped him. No amount of love and acceptance could've stopped him from taking his life because his mind was made up.
    I bet she knew you loved her and she knew you were always going to be there for her. But it sounds like maybe her pain was too much regardless of everything? Even if you had done more and tried more it would have probably still happened.
    I think you did your 'job' well, you loved her and you accepted her and that is exactly what a good friend does. You didn't fail her at all, you did something that many others can't. Love someone warts and all.
  7. mookies mum

    mookies mum Member

    I am so sorry you lost your girlfriend to suicide, its not your fault and try to remember that , she had a lot of problems and just couldnt go on any more it all became too much for her and I dont think anyone could have helped her she is at peace now but its us left behind that are in a mess. I lost my daughter to suicide nearly 5 years ago , she had a bad eating disorder and suffered from depression, I miss her so much it has broken my heart and everyday is a struggle . You must not blame yourself at all just keep remembering the
    nice happy times you had with her and talk to people about her . Keep the good memories close to your heart.