Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by Tobes, Nov 14, 2009.

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  1. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    My first attempt at a serious poem, any feedback will be appreciated.

    He tried in vain to deal with pain
    He wanted an end, needed a friend
    He had the choice to live or die
    He left his loved ones asking why

    What was so bad he couldn't stand
    Was it spontaneous or was it planned
    It looked like he was going steady
    And now he's gone, he's missed already

    If only he had asked for aid
    If only he weren't so afraid
    They wanted him to go so far
    To glimmer like a shining star

    Now he's gone, but not forgotten
    The quiet boy who hailed from Potton
    His family is left distraught
    They'll never know the demons he fought

    This person won't be seen again
    No more words will leave his pen
    No more smiles will cross his face
    His death won't bring a saving grace

    This poem, it's a total lie
    Because this person did not die
    This poem has a twist you see
    You may have guessed it. This person's me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2009
  2. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Hope this isn't rude

    I really like the poem and the twist at the end, personally I would have tried putting 8 syllables in each line, you've done that quite alot (well done) but not fully so to me the rhythm is a bit uneven. But as Wayne said all art is unique, it's not for me to put my own high and mighty spin on it, so - well done, good poem, quite intelligently thought out.

    When I used to write my best poems, I used a dictionary or thesaurus to look up cool words like chrysalis and chartreuse and be creative. With those tools you can really create some magic. But if you want the poem to be more down-to-Earth you don't really need that.

    Nice rhyming, I loved forgotten and Potton! Well done chum.
  3. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Re: Hope this isn't rude

    Thanks Chris, you're right on the rhythm, that was my only problem. I figured fuck it, these are the words I want it to say so I won't change it.
  4. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Well done Tobes

    Drama's good in a poem.

    Very, very nice, words had more magic, depth, imagery and mystery that time.

    Best line of the poem: 'The cost is high, the price is free'

    Rhyming was really good. Rhythm was better, I mean if you said it a certain way you could fit it all into a certain rhythm, albeit a bit clumsily.

  5. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Hey where did it go? ^__^ Poem disappeared!
  6. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Lucky I caught it in time ;)
  7. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    This is the poem Chris is talking about, I don't think it's all that good, thats why i deleted it the first time.

    Sick of what my life has brought
    Sick of battles that I've fought
    Tired of hiding behind a wall
    Tired of rising before a fall

    No longer will I be here
    No longer will I fight my fear
    When I'm gone, they will cry
    When I'm ready, I will die

    The time to do it is coming soon
    Maybe before the next full moon
    Unless I find a way to win
    And escape this morbid sin

    The lure of death is calling me
    The cost is high, the price is free
    Don't do it, they all yell
    But they're not living in my hell

    They don't struggle like I do
    They don't even have a clue
    They don't battle with their lives
    They have husbands, they have wives

    I'm all alone in my room
    Thinking of an impending doom
    Wishing I could finish it
    I'm sick. I'm tired. I feel like shit.

    It is an exaggeration, so don't think I'm totally depressed.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2009
  8. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    It's emotive and enchanting, I liked it Tobes, a lot. I'm sure others will too.
  9. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    Tobes, i dont read many poems but i like it. its simple, to the point and clear. And I understand it, which i love cause its not complicated or trying to be something its not. Its just speaking if that makes sense. Im not creative and cannot write poetry so well done :)

    I got a lump in my throat reading it - honestly. :)
  10. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Small-Kate's star

    You can too write poetry Small-Kate, she's just VERY shy Tobes, she's a fantastic poet, all her beauty comes out.
  11. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Each poem she writes is like a frozen rose on the beach in twilight.
  12. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    It's a funny thing. In reading my poems I am both proud of my creation and ashamed of my weakness. I don't want people to think it's okay to wallow in sadness and I don't want my poems to encourage negative feelings. I doubt they have that power anyway. I wrote them at a time of weakness and darkness, and should in no way reflect my outlook on life. I wish that I could write positive poetry, but I don't have that skill. I can articulate my sadness, but not my happiness.

    I am making the effort to feel better about myself, and poems like these are only detrimental. I probably won't write any more, because I would rather try and help people feel better about themselves, and exposing my weakness removes the strength in my words. People will say "Why should I listen to you, you want to kill yourself as well" and I don't want that. There is so much more in this world than sitting around feeling bad for myself, and trying to turn my suffering into a cute little poem. I regret being so open about my private feelings, and I hope that I've learnt my lesson. I may be making a storm in a teacup here, but I am one of those people who has to say his piece and voice his opinions.

    Regardless of this post, I am happy that people enjoyed my poetry, and thank you for your responses and PMs. I am glad that I could share something with you, and I will continue to read other's poetry, because it is a great art form. To everyone that reads this, don't let this post deter you from writing any of your own poetry, because you will be depriving everyone of something special, created purely from your own brain. I hope you are going well, and aren't considering ending it, because there's nothing beautiful or poetic in that. Keep going strong, and if you're feeling down, watch something funny. It will probably make you feel better.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2009
  13. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Marvellous post ^__^
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