Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Clankdb, Nov 8, 2010.

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  1. Clankdb

    Clankdb New Member


    As I sit in my dorm room like millions of other University children, I contemplate suicide. I wonder how many of those millions feel the same way as I? None. Not one other person ever has had the same experiences as I. I don’t consider myself a predecessor because a good friend of mine has done this before I don’t but I can imagine he did. He did not know the pain he would cause those around him, but I do. Thinking back on his death, I feel such mixed emotions. Hatred for the pain he caused me but sorrow for his family as their pain must be so much greater than mine. I feel sadness, he lived alongside me for so long and I never once felt the colorless sorrow that is inside me, inside of him. But no one has sensed it inside me so how could I have felt it in him? Often times, as I walked through the black haze of life a passer by would look up and make eye contact. I would wonder if they could sense what so many others were blind to? Maybe their disposition toward me is a weakness. I feel sadness toward my friend. I don’t know specifically how he did it but hints have lead me to believe he hung himself. After that I have pictured him pacing back and forth in his basement, and then turning to the belt hanging from the rafters.
    I know life has so much more to offer but it doesn’t change my thoughts, I feel alone. An empty house that once knew playful children and lovers, rotting from the inside, it is sad. Like me. One other time I tried to kill myself. I drove three hours away from home into the cold darkness of the mountains and sat there, an hour went by and I drove back. In hindsight, I knew I wanted to die then. The presence of overhanging justice awaits, it will fall on all of us eventually, some will be crippled worse than others, but most survive, I will not. It is the crush of society that causes suicide. Judgment, lies, pressure, and too little love are what kills me, not myself. People will tell themselves that I wasn’t mentally healthy like I have heard others talk about my friend, but that is not true. It is the subtle ignorance to distinct interactions that caused the numbing in my thoughts, the ones closest not feeling my pain.
    Those who cover their feelings with fake happiness cause anger. I am not being hypocritical because although I do this too, I uncover myself time to time and this is when I sense the truth of my existence: to make those around me happy, but is it at my expense? Am I being cut short on the amount of happiness? Is there too little to go around because many seem to have excess amounts of it. I feel like happiness is a liquid substance and we all must fill our bright yellow happiness buckets with “joy and butterflies” from other people. But sometimes, even if it is just once, we need to take a break from this game we are playing and look at the world. But people don’t, it is their ignorance that makes them seem so happy.
    I have been to see a psychiatrist before and it helped but nothing lasts forever. I felt really good until my friend did it, then my thoughts of suicide came back, slowly. That summer had some thoughts but very few. Then I went away to University and my detachment was complete. I still talk to my parents but never much deeper than the weather comes up. My friends here help a little as well. A small handful know about my friend and none about my thoughts. I have never been the type to reach out for help though. Maybe thats my downfall.
    Tonight will be a battle I must face, and although my decline is slow to come, it is imminent.

    Wrote this last night... feel a little better today.
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Depression is to be expected. We are aware enough in this life to know that it is cursed. Death, aging, suffering, and loneliness are the four things people get depressed about. There are so many questions out there and many of us assume that there are no true answers. We shut off and push away anything that hints of hope. Sadly many people cling to what they do have in desperation and fear of the unknown. Like a beaten child does to it's abusive parent, they are afraid that what is out there is worse, and refuse to leave their comfort zone. But there is hope to be found, and there are answers. I have found them alongside many others. I know you and everyone else here can as well. I am gald you feel better getting this out. It is a confession that I will never forget. Blessings...
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you continue to write out your thoughts to reach out for help here
    the pain for suicde is so intense it never leaves the ones left behind
    although you are far from your parents they still hold you very close in their hearts they will never NEVER heal from thier loss
    I hope you do reachout in your world to get help for your depression because when treated you world willnot be so dark and gray Your thoughts no so distorted You will think clearer with meds and therapy.
    Glad again yu posted please continue to do so okay as i know it help alot okay take care of you.
  4. Clankdb

    Clankdb New Member

    Thanks guys. Although I am all for therapy, I think swallowing drugs is a fake solution, there has to be a real one out there somewhere. In the immediate however, my loving parents have cared for me all my life and I have them to live for. I feel better now that I have found somewhere to turn to when the dark night closes in. I have never been into forums, especially not about this, but it helps.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you certainly are not alone now okay and in time perhaps you can try meds it is no differnent then a diabetic taking insulin meds just correct a chemical imbalance in the brain that is what depression is caused from okay
    correcting that imbalance helps just as insulin helps correct the insufficiency of pancreas
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I am happy that you feel better and that you have found this forum. You will find that many people do care. There is always hope. Never give up!!
  7. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Emotional pain and suffering is part of your life. And it is part of mine. I do not think I can ever get away from it. I can hide but I cannot lose it. I think this is because I can reflect upon my life and I cannot escape from it. The question is what kind of mechanism do you use to reduce it and to control it.

    I do suggest that you take up a hobby. It at least give you something to focus on rather than your misery all the time.

    Steven Siew
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