Unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts! (My life)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NotAnotherUserName, Apr 15, 2011.

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  1. NotAnotherUserName

    NotAnotherUserName Banned Member

    I have suicidal for a while, but never had a set date or day to try it, until a couple of weeks ago, which was very difficult for me and both my parents. I was in hospital for a week and had to deal with constant check ups from people to know I am safe and OK, which I was, see I am alive. But come to think of it I don't want to die, but seriously want the thought to go away. I started hurting myself at the young age of 9, I first did it when my parents battered the shit out of me, they don't do that no more, I am now 14 high school, taking my GCSE. But during my tests, like the mathematics one I had yesterday the thought of suicide just popped in to my head and I was unable to concentrate on my paper, so I failed, got below average, or below the score I originally get which is a B-A, we have further tests coming up soon, I am highly scared of failing them and don't my thought to come back or creep up on me, the feeling just seems wonderful really, but I am so, so very scared I will do something stupid and go through with it. I have amazing friends, one annoying family, awesome people supporting me, but I am just fed up, just want to end what I have really, just can't take it for much longer, please any help people, I will literally do anything you tell me because I am really enthusiastic about getting well. I think one of my let down points about wanting to go through with the thoughts is my weight, I am under weight, but I am scared to gain any, I have a eating disorder I was diagnosed with it when I was 10 years old as I wasn't eating, that put a lot of pressure on my parents, and made things difficult for them to cope with me being around, so would really like to over come my depression, suicidal thoughts and eating disorder, I know that will take a lot of time, but I am very enthusiastic I will get their. When I am older I want to have a loving family, I don't want my children to have to deal with someone who is unstable and unable to cope, so please any help will do?

    Thanks in advance and Happy Easter :pinkrose:

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi just want to welcome your here. Can you ask to rewrite the test explaining why your mind was so off some schools will allow that get a note from your doctor get your parents to explain okay nice to have you here reach out for support hugs
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member


    sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    I'm glad though that you are trying to get better, I think that is very important

    who are the awesome people supporting you?

    to what degree is your family continuing to be a cause of your problems?

    if they are still a problem, I wonder if there is a relative that you could live with, like an aunt or grandparent

    you might want to check out acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine. I recommend the book that is in my signature
  4. NotAnotherUserName

    NotAnotherUserName Banned Member

    Hey their Total Eclipse and May71, thank you so much for replying to my post it means so much to me! It was a "Mock Exam" so I have the real exam in may, so after easter break, when we have other exams, we probaberbly would be able to re-take them next year (Year 11) if we get below average and to re-take a exam it can be very exspensive as well, because the school are putting in lodes of money for us to do them. Hopefully going to do the Maths higher paper and revise even harder and try training my brain not to think bad thoughts!

    Their are many awesome people supporting me such as, my social worker, she was involved in my life when I was at my highest point of feeling suicidal, because I didn't want to do it, I told ChildLine and they got me some help! I am now in couselling with CAMHS, it's useful to talk to someone, I have the school nurse who thinks I am wonderful. Thanks for the book idea May71, I will check it out. Even though I can't wait to leave my family, I love my room, posters every where so wish not to leave until I am married fully and off!
  5. NotAnotherUserName

    NotAnotherUserName Banned Member

    Okay, so haven't been coping tonight so well, hhad to cope with a lot of shit, had online couselling about 2 hours ago, 50 minutes, felt like screaming or hurting myself, I took it out on self harm, I wasted people time, all I could think about my parents in the pass how they were abusive and thretening...I have been thinking about it, it's a horrible feeling :( I just know need to learn the stops of, it's bloody time to give up so why not quit? Is the hope I see truely their? Is their freedom at the end? Do I go to heaven/hell? I don't know, so many quesions, I could wrip my hair out, I am that frustrated! I'm angry with everyone around me and how they treat me, angry with the yelling angry with the whole stupid world, please can't do this no more :(
  6. Pollo

    Pollo Well-Known Member

    All I can say is that you are very young and life is waiting for you! I feel suicidal most of the time but as AA do, I just think of today and so far, well, I am still here. So please try it, try to live and think of today only! hugs
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I helped my nephews with the GCSE's, not doing the work for them, but I had internet at the time and they would use my computers to complete various projects. They were all boys but now my nieces will be going to the high school and going through the studies you go through.

    The work itself was great. Wish I had that when I was in school - I mean you can choose various subjects and the homework can be done on a computer. My nephews done art, video, all manner of computers skills and all passed the ECDL certificate also as well as GCSEs and now off to Uni.

    You'll be going to university also.

    Have you got access to a computer to do the school-work in the meantime? This makes all the difference and a few kids out there have no laptop or computer to use at home. Even worse some have no family to encourage them and praise their work. Aged 14 you'll still feel like you want people to approve your work and notice your undoubted talents.

    Also, I hate hearing about abuse - and I'm glad that this has stopped or may have been just the one time that really scared you. No child aged 9 should be assaulted. We used to get caned in school but that was for bad things and it was good for bullies who would always know a teacher could defend themselves without anyone crying about it.

    I'm sure that you'll get your wish when you grow up and raise a pack of happy children. Make sure you get an education first as you can have children in your twenties and work also.

    By the way - if your having any treatment for depression, you might be able to retake the GCSE if the result is way below your average maths result. If you speak to someone in school, maybe a nice teacher, they might be able to help you there. After all if someone had an asthma attack in an exam they would retake it.

    Don't worry too much about exams - try to have fun also with people your own age and don't worry about your weight so much. Make sure you eat before an exam - after all the brain needs food to actually work. Try not eating food for a week and you will struggle to do mental arithmetic. Maybe your feeling a bit down due to this.

    Anyway, hope things work out and I'm sure that you'll enjoy life as you get older and treat people with kindness and respect.

    Happy Easter also!
  8. NotAnotherUserName

    NotAnotherUserName Banned Member

    Hmm...*Sigh* it was a mock exam, real one is in May! YesI have a laptop, because every child in the UK does who is attending secondary school because every school must hand them out so basically everyone I know has a computer with internet access! I have no talents, I'm just a failiour, a failiour to society itself! I have a ED, so I am very causiouse of my weight. Just scared I will grow! Should I try not eating food for a week? *Sigh*
    Felt so ignored today by almost everyone :(
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Kristy, sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. As a math teacher myself, the best advice that I can give is to eat healthy and concentrate on your math exams, because that is the only way you will do well on them. I know that having an eating disorder can be difficult, but you have to eat healthy to have the energy to concentrate and study. Maybe try eating smaller portion sizes? :hug:
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