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Ahh. I want to change so many things in my life.

I want to restart my diet. I want to be happier. I want to be more social. I'm in a teaching class and the girl that drives me to the class is really friendly and I go to her house sometimes during lunch. I think she likes me atleast a little as a friend.

But I have an online boyfriend and I really like him. I don't want an offline boyfriend if I have him.. I'm happy. I was so glad today because he was willing to compromise on some things that he wasn't willing to before..

So we were looking at eachother on cam and he told me I made him feel self conscious. I wanted to call him on the phone.. Just to talk. We'd never done it before and I think in a way it's something we need because I feel like we SHOULD be comfortable with eachother. I love him. He says he loves me. He was going to spend time with family so he said I could call in three hours.. And I had wanted to go to bed within an hour.. But I wanted this so I stayed awake and I was looking forward to it being 11:00 so I could call.. I'm really shy and quiet but I tried my best to get over it.. I usually wouldn't ever even suggest using the phone.. But I really want this to work.. I knew he was shy and he wouldn't talk much too. But I guess I'm disappointed. Not sure if I'm disappointed in him.. But just in general. I was hoping I could talk more and maybe get him to talk. We were on the phone for 8 minutes and 37 seconds.. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I didn't. Instead he said something about maybe talking some other time instead and said "talk to you later" and it was over.

I guess I kind of need this phone thing because of recent things.. I called another guy I loved a while back and we broke up for a long time because he said me calling him made him realize how young I was, and all this other shit. And just hearing his voice assures me that it's REAL and I'm not in a little fantasy land thinking I'm inlove when he doesn't care..

But I don't know. I want him to be open with me. I want him to want to talk to me. This just made me feel unwanted in a way. Like I know he's shy.. But I don't know. I expected an "I love you" I guess. He says he does online. I wanted to say it too because I've never gone and said it over the phone. Maybe it's good that I didn't.. He might have said it in return but not meant it.. Just to make me feel good or because he would have felt he had to. Or maybe he would have been like WTF? Click.

I find it hard to believe someone would like me, much less love me. And I've seen improvements.. Like before I didn't even think he liked me, and now he says a few things.. Like that I'm sexy and stuff.. And it makes me feel good. I don't really believe it though. It's hard to explain. I don't think he's LYING to me.. I just find it hard to believe that someone would think about me in that way. But even though I deny those things.. I do appreciate them and things like that mean a lot to me. I want to feel like I can tell him ANYTHING.. And I want him to feel the same way. I think he's cute. I think he can be sweet. I don't want to make him feel self conscious or shy just because I like to think that I'm easy to be around. And just about anything.. Like telling me about things that bother him, or when he masturbates, or things that he doesn't feel comfortable with,.. Even if it's something embarrassing like if he has diarrhea.. I just won't care. I know he doesn't trust a lot of people and he's shy with them, but in a way I want to be that ONE person that he can trust with anything because I do love him. This might sound wrong but I don't mean it that way.. I want the power in knowing that if I wanted to, I could hurt him with anything.. Like I would know what really affects him and how to really make him cry.. Or just know that if I left, he would cry over me.. It sounds stupid, but that's what I want. I don't want to hurt him.. I've given a guy that type of trust before.. He knew how to get to me and he really did.. I fucking hate him for that.. So I don't want to do that to anyone. But just knowing that I could would be great, because telling people things that hurt you.. That's when you really put trust in them I think.

I guess I cry a lot though. I hate being the only one that ever cries. Maybe I just need to grow up. Stop trusting people. Stop giving them that power over me. And it hurts me even more to know that every time we argue and it gets to that point were it's like "So, we're over right?" that I'm the one here sobbing and feeling like shit and missing him.. And what's he doing? Hanging out with friends? Over it already? I don't know.

I need to sleep.
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