Unworthy of a Mother's Love

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Aug 26, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm going downhill... panic attack in the initial stages... I feel hopeless and my thoughts just won't stop taking me lower.

    My own mother didn't love me.

    My father left before I was born (this is the story my mum told me and I don't really trust her...) but my father was married and decided he'd rather safe his marriage to his wife who had no idea he was seeing my mother on the side, than own up to his mistake... also known as me.
    Mum told me he visited the hospital the day after I was born (almost died, Apgar scale 1 out of 10) and he refused to even look at me. He has never tried to find me since, and the times he ran into my mother since he never asked about me.

    A year before I was born my mother lost both her parents; my grandmother died of natural causes and then my grandfather decided he had nothing to live for (despite having two daughters) and took his own life... my mum found him.

    Growing up there was no warmth or comfort. I was fed, and I did have clothes to wear... usually clothes people gave her.
    But it was a childhood where I spent most of my time in my room, was punished for every little thing and the way I remember it, also when I hadn't broken a rule I was aware of.
    I would either get spanked or locked in a closet. A few times when I was around 5 she left me, drove off saying she wouldn't come back.
    She even filmed me crying after she had beaten me and would show me the tape if she felt like I was misbehaving... commenting that I looked like an idiot when I cried.

    Apparently my mother caught a young man molesting me when I was 4, and just told him to 'not do that again' but didn't limit his access to me...
    When I was raped at the age of 13 , losing the virginity I wanted to save she blamed me and defended the rapist because she was good friends with his mother. She even forced me to continue being around him at parties and special occasions (giving him the chance to twice almost repeating the rape as he caught me going to the loo)

    She never drank or took any form of drugs... there is no real excuse for what she did.
    She hated me. She hates children... I can tell she can't stand kids at family parties, she has no interest in them at all.

    We're working on being 'civil' with each other; last time she struck me I was 21 and about to move out... I couldn't leave sooner because I paid most of the money I earned at the bakery in rent to her.

    I'm 25 now and I've been through so much sh't. I've been hurt and abused over, and over again... I've been bullied, I never had anyone to run to...

    I have my boyfriend, he's amazing. But he has some issues of his own... and it stresses me out so much.
    And I stress him out... He gets so scared when I'm doing bad...

    He deserves better. He deserves someone sane... he shouldn't, on top of everything else have to wonder if I'm hurting myself or worse...

    My ex and I chatted yesterday... the ex who abused me and forced me into prostitution. I hate that man, so much. He always finds me and he always completely paralyzes me.
    Not long ago he took advantage of me being really weak and made me cheat on my amazing boyfriend. This made my boyfriend almost leave me... I don't blame him!
    My boyfriend has this fear that he won't be 'man' enough for me... My boyfriend is a very gentle person and all the other men in my life have been very dominant. Guess what, I want to be treated right!!

    I actually shocked myself... I yelled at my ex (as much as you can do that via chat). I think that surprised him. I pretty much used the word 'f*cking' in front of every other word... He tried to blame me for everything that happened; even that it was my fault he was 'addicted' to me. He started saying maybe it was best for both us that he tried to leave me alone... again trying to twist everything to be my fault. And of course he tried to 'tempt' me to fall into his trap again... but I didn't.

    I just... gah. I don't know... I just can't help feeling like people would be better off without me. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only people who ever actually cared about me.

    My best friend doesn't know any of the stuff that happened to me... she knows that my mum 'does not like children'... but that's all... I am sparing her because of her mental illness.

    I don't want to die... but... there's just that helplessness... that strong feeling...

    Yesterday I made my boyfriend watch me prepare my pills for the week because that involves holding handfuls of pills, because I spent Sunday hurting myself. I almost repeated that today when I had to cut the garlic bread for dinner. I did hurt myself just a little bit...

    I just hate life right now... it feels like everything is unfair... and my brain keeps reminding me of every little moment something bad happened.

    I've been suicidal since I was 9... I have so many failed attempts behind me.... and it always comes back to "If my mum couldn't even love me... what am I worth?"
  2. suicidalfish

    suicidalfish Active Member

    Talk to me if u need someone. Seriously. No bullshit. I am a male so I can't say I've gone through what you have but I've had girlfriends and female friends and my own mother who has gone through similar shit and whatever if u just wanna rant or talk to someone like I said… I'm here.

    I may not know you but I love you and I hope to hear from u if u need someone.
  3. RainThunder

    RainThunder Member

    I realize from my own mother, that some mothers are incapable of loving. and it has nothing to do with me or you or anyone else. i think I could love a tv character more than my mother could any of her children. It can't be the child's fault. The child did not create the mother...
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    RainThunder, that is what I need to get beaten into my thick skull. Technically I know it's wrong... but it's my natural reaction; to go straight to blaming myself...
    I would never think this of any other person, but I feel I must have been a horrible child for her to not love me.

    Mum tried to hug me some years ago, I can't remember the occasion but after we just looked each other in the eye and wordlessly agreed that we're not going to hug again.

    Last time I was in therapy I learned that my bad confidence and that little 'voice' at the back of my head telling me I'm worthless, ugly, stupid and won't amount to anything is my brain having adapted her voice. I was told to stand in front of a mirror when that thought pattern started and out loud say "Shut up mum!"

    I think my mother is trying now, 25 years too late to be there for me. But it always feel awkward for me. I visit her most weekends (mostly to see our pets who I love so much and have a great bond to... that happens when you've poured liters tears into their furs and they didn't run away).
    She always sends me home with food and since the night I called her when my chronic pains got out of hand and I was crying in a panic because nothing worked... she has had chronic back pains most of my life, so I hoped she had some advice. But since that she's been very considerate, not allowing me to help her around the house and constantly asking 'are you sure you can' if I finally get to do something... I just don't know to deal with that.

    There's so many things I could never forgive her for... the physical abuse, the mental abuse, how she reacted to me being raped...

    She had a thing about not allowing me to be happy and it's ruining everything for me now... when I lived in her house as soon as I found something that made me happy and calm she would take it away and break it in front of me. I tried to hide the things I liked, tried to tape up posters... but she always found it.
    As a result now if I finally start to feel happy and things start to go right I panic... I always look for the fault and the crack in something beautiful... because if it's perfect and it makes me truly happy I'll lose it sooner or later...

    I already started to prepare for the end of my relationship with my boyfriend before we actually were an item... it still scares me to death 13 months later that he's such a good guy and he makes me smile.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am going to visit my mum tomorrow, and staying till Saturday...

    I'm panicking about that... I 'have to go' because we made some plans... and it's too difficult and useless to explain to her how she makes me feel.

    She always say things that hurt me... I am beginning to realize she's not doing it on purpose. She apparently honestly don't know that things like that would hurt.
    She's an expert at making me feel bad about myself; pointing out something I am ashamed about... and she just doesn't understand why I wouldn't be interested in hearing updates about the men who sexually abused me; or their families either... she genuinely doesn't get it.

    I've come to realize because of the way my mother grew up very independent (her father favoured her sister and gave her everything and helped her with any tiny little thing while my mum had to make it on her own... today my aunt can't even change a light-bulb without help while my mum can do it all alone). I think along the way her emotions got switched off; and perhaps she tried to raise me to be just as 'strong' as her. Only... I am not like her so I became weak... but I think somehow she still thinks I'm like her; so she thinks I got over the attacks, the bullying, the beatings, all that cr*p instantly and have moved on.

    I overheard her on the phone when I was a teenager, at the time trying to figure out the truth about who my father is was really bothering me; she was talking to someone about him and I heard her say that I wasn't affected.

    As much as it hurts... and how much I have hurt myself over the years... the countless failed suicide attempts; starting way way too young... I am so glad I am not like her. I have a touch of her coldness sometimes... but I am always trying to be there for people... in my case it comes out when I try to hide my feelings from the world.

    Last weekend her and I actually had a 'deep-ish' conversation about how my anxiety is getting out of control and I'm not too happy leaving my flat... for the first time I mentioned to her that I 'once' had tried to call a suicide hotline. (emphasis on trying... they close after 1am. Good job!!)

    I'm just panicking... I know I am getting worked up over nothing... but I can't handle anything right now. TV is showing a lot of documentaries about abused children and it's made me really think about how I grew up... and how no one saw it.
    My aunt (who despite not being able to change a light-bulb is a retired school teacher) on several occasions experienced my mum kicking me in the back and didn't even say a word... and after always tried to pretend like nothing happened.

    My boyfriend keeps telling me that family is important... but... the past just won't let go of me. I hate who this turned me in to...
    Yesterday as I was doing my laundry someone in one of the flats was yelling at each other and I just wanted to run. I felt the dread and all my muscles tensing...
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