I'm going downhill... panic attack in the initial stages... I feel hopeless and my thoughts just won't stop taking me lower. My own mother didn't love me. My father left before I was born (this is the story my mum told me and I don't really trust her...) but my father was married and decided he'd rather safe his marriage to his wife who had no idea he was seeing my mother on the side, than own up to his mistake... also known as me. Mum told me he visited the hospital the day after I was born (almost died, Apgar scale 1 out of 10) and he refused to even look at me. He has never tried to find me since, and the times he ran into my mother since he never asked about me. A year before I was born my mother lost both her parents; my grandmother died of natural causes and then my grandfather decided he had nothing to live for (despite having two daughters) and took his own life... my mum found him. Growing up there was no warmth or comfort. I was fed, and I did have clothes to wear... usually clothes people gave her. But it was a childhood where I spent most of my time in my room, was punished for every little thing and the way I remember it, also when I hadn't broken a rule I was aware of. I would either get spanked or locked in a closet. A few times when I was around 5 she left me, drove off saying she wouldn't come back. She even filmed me crying after she had beaten me and would show me the tape if she felt like I was misbehaving... commenting that I looked like an idiot when I cried. Apparently my mother caught a young man molesting me when I was 4, and just told him to 'not do that again' but didn't limit his access to me... When I was raped at the age of 13 , losing the virginity I wanted to save she blamed me and defended the rapist because she was good friends with his mother. She even forced me to continue being around him at parties and special occasions (giving him the chance to twice almost repeating the rape as he caught me going to the loo) She never drank or took any form of drugs... there is no real excuse for what she did. She hated me. She hates children... I can tell she can't stand kids at family parties, she has no interest in them at all. We're working on being 'civil' with each other; last time she struck me I was 21 and about to move out... I couldn't leave sooner because I paid most of the money I earned at the bakery in rent to her. I'm 25 now and I've been through so much sh't. I've been hurt and abused over, and over again... I've been bullied, I never had anyone to run to... I have my boyfriend, he's amazing. But he has some issues of his own... and it stresses me out so much. And I stress him out... He gets so scared when I'm doing bad... He deserves better. He deserves someone sane... he shouldn't, on top of everything else have to wonder if I'm hurting myself or worse... My ex and I chatted yesterday... the ex who abused me and forced me into prostitution. I hate that man, so much. He always finds me and he always completely paralyzes me. Not long ago he took advantage of me being really weak and made me cheat on my amazing boyfriend. This made my boyfriend almost leave me... I don't blame him! My boyfriend has this fear that he won't be 'man' enough for me... My boyfriend is a very gentle person and all the other men in my life have been very dominant. Guess what, I want to be treated right!! I actually shocked myself... I yelled at my ex (as much as you can do that via chat). I think that surprised him. I pretty much used the word 'f*cking' in front of every other word... He tried to blame me for everything that happened; even that it was my fault he was 'addicted' to me. He started saying maybe it was best for both us that he tried to leave me alone... again trying to twist everything to be my fault. And of course he tried to 'tempt' me to fall into his trap again... but I didn't. I just... gah. I don't know... I just can't help feeling like people would be better off without me. My boyfriend and my best friend are the only people who ever actually cared about me. My best friend doesn't know any of the stuff that happened to me... she knows that my mum 'does not like children'... but that's all... I am sparing her because of her mental illness. I don't want to die... but... there's just that helplessness... that strong feeling... Yesterday I made my boyfriend watch me prepare my pills for the week because that involves holding handfuls of pills, because I spent Sunday hurting myself. I almost repeated that today when I had to cut the garlic bread for dinner. I did hurt myself just a little bit... I just hate life right now... it feels like everything is unfair... and my brain keeps reminding me of every little moment something bad happened. I've been suicidal since I was 9... I have so many failed attempts behind me.... and it always comes back to "If my mum couldn't even love me... what am I worth?"