up and down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dazzle11215, Mar 8, 2008.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sigh, i'm not even sure what my question is....

    i'm about 6 weeks into getting treatment for depression and i'm so discouraged. i have supports through the local hospital. but i don't feel like i deserve them. i feel like i should be working harder, doing more. i am frightened that i have scared away the one person i trusted in this whole process (i wrote about that situation in another thread).

    the worst part is that i have moments, couple of hours even, like yesterday, of feeling hopeful, even optimistic about the future. and then the sadness creeps back in, the negative talk starts up again.

    in dec/jan, when i wanted to die 24/7 i thought that was the absolute bottoming out of feeling crap... but this roller coaster, these little moments of sunshine right now, it is almost more horrible if that makes sense. the happiness seems so close, but it always slips away, leaving me more alone.

    i don't know how to keep fighting. i am just so tired.

  2. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Don't give up on yourself. I know how hard it is to feel a million different things at once. It can be so tiring and stressful. Life sucks, the light isn't always there, but when you are in so much darkness and you find your light you feel so much better.

    Seek help, stay confident, and find your light.

    Best of luck. ^_^
  3. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    Dazzle, I know how hard and discouraging it can be. It's so easy to get down on yourself and hate yourself for not being able to "suck it up", especially when there are people out there talking that way because they don't understand the illness, but remember that what you're fighting is real. i think you're being really strong to keep going with the therapy/stick it through even in those moments of self doubt. But please don't get down on yourself, keep on fighting, it will get better in time.

    Good luck
  4. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member


    Hi, I know it is very difficult but please keep fighting, that is the thing with depression, once you are affected it can be hard to shake off. I am up and down a bit as well lately, I have a few days where I feel ok and then the gloom & despair comes back and I start thinking about escaping again.

    I hope you start to feel better soon. Are you taking any medications to help with the way you're feeling?
  5. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Tell me about it - it took 8 weeks for my meds to actually kick in and make me feel human again and those were the longest and worst weeks of my life. In fact i'm ashamed to say i gave up. Not in the suicidal way that i was before because even then i was actively feeling/doing something but during those 8 wks i became so apathetic i could even be bothered to feel suicidal - i simply existed. Sure there were times when i laughed and smiled but there were also times when the pain became so extreme that i could not see what was around me (which was a supportive family and friends). I felt totally lost, unable to figure out what i was feeling and who i was. In fact it was during this period that my little alter-ego appeared. She gave me great comfort because i had an identity for one part of me and another for a different part and then me. They are all me but i just wanted to demonstrate this is how divided i became.
    But i did make it through. I actively made a decision to live again and not to just exist and i'm happy to say i feel 100x better and i know that you can too. There will always be blips i guess even after 'recovery' but after this horrifying down period if will only be that - a blip.
    Stay strong.

    ps - this is how i described it when i was younger, i haven't personally found a better way to describe it - its like climbing a massive mountain, every so often the clouds would part and i'd see the top but as soon as that happened the clouds would reappear and i'd miss my footing. :mellow: i guess i was never meant to be a writer but it has helped me understand and keep going.
  6. -exposed-

    -exposed- Member

    hi catherine, i also am trying to get out of depression- along with social anxiety. there are some days when i have this urge to almost stop everything i have managed to do in the past 4 weeks and just withdraw and hide out in my house. other days I am overwhelmed with the amount work my psychotherapist gives me, ( I am doing cognitive behavioral therapy at the moment) and never feel like i am doing enough work or am pushing myself enough to get outside. I kindof have a love/hate relationship with my depression in a way that it's almost comfortable to have and i'm afraid to lose that part of myself. but i'm not achieving anything i truly want out of my life with it. (hopefully i'm making sense.)

    I have a councellor for support which has been very helpful when i get into those slumps and she helps with building social skills. She likes to take a narrative approach to life for example, we all have our own story- and at sometime depression came into my life, the depression is not me but it's something I have to get through.

    Anyways sorry to ramble on, I wish you the best of luck. and if you ever need any support i'd be happy to help.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Fighting depression is something that isn't done quickly. It is easy to become discouraged because progress is slow and we often can't see it. It is the small things we don't see that professionalsare experienced enough to notice that we have to hinge hope on. Please don't give up on yourself. :hug:
  8. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    From what you've expressed in other posts, I have gotten the impression that you are working extremely hard to fight depression. I doubt I'm wrong. Maybe you've changed your mind now that you are thinking about it again, hopefully in a better light.

    It sounds to me like you are going through a mixed episode. I can definitely relate. You quickly climb out of the hole you're in, but you know that you'll fall back in just as abruptly. And both emotions feel equally real, making reality almost a blur. Is that what you're going through? Are you on any mood stabilizers? Feel free to pm me if you want.
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    my friends, thank u so much for taking the time to read and respond. it's sunday morning now and it's a sunny day out, both literally and metaphorically.

    i have always been a perfectionist, expecting to learn new things quickly and fix any problems straight away... unrealistic to be sure and not so helpful when healing my thoughts and my spirit.

    i think i need to learn that some days will be better than others and to recognize that, overall, i am moving in the direction of wellness.

    but as i can tell many of you have also experienced, when i'm down it feels all-encompassing, always has been & always will be so lonely and sad.

    my moods have been cycling quite a bit in these last few weeks ... i've gone from 24/7 suicidal thoughts, to numbness, to crying all the time, to several hours each day of feeling almost "normal" whatever that is, and then 20 hours of suicidal depression. i am on 30mg zispin each night (it was 15mg but the psych upped the daily dose last monday).

    i think what will help is just building up strength and resilience to weather the down turns when they hit. my goal is to be able to sit through them without self-harming, attempting, drinking or drugging. without any of those supports, as i said to the nice guy on the suicide helpline friday night, i feel like i have nothing. no coping strategies left to take the pain away. but if i think about from the vantage point of sunday morning, i realize that i *do* have other supports - the suicide helpline for one, breathing exercises that i learned at relaxation class, walking, writing, posting here. they get me through the worst of it, and then when i get to counselling i can work on the "why"

    so... thank you again... i so appreciate the helping hand,

  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I'm glad that you're feeling better catherine. The winter storm is finally over and the sun is finally shining again in my area too. I think all the negative energy in the world is causing a lot of the pain and suffering in people's lives. All the hatred in the world is causing so many people to lose hope. But when things get difficult, hang in there and know that you are loved. :hug:
  11. Pensive

    Pensive Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit of a latecomer to this post, but reading replies made me feel compelled to respond. Glad to see your feeling better and yeah, I feel the same way most times, I'm just feeling better because I'm working and doing a job I like, even if my family drives me insane, keep going is all I can say and your not alone in it all.

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