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Dear Forum,

I woke up this morning and it was like every other day. I am in terrible physical pain and thoughts of how my life is a dead end that surrounds me at every turn. I go from being mildly content, to dreaming of how I would like things to be different, to utter despair. I guess that is what bipolar is all about. Something must be keeping me going, for the life of me I have trouble knowing what it is.

I do what I am told by my doctor, friends, coworkers, etc. I wish I could just walk away from it all. The other day I looked up on the internet famous people committed suicide. They all contributed so much to the world and yet wanted to leave it. I feel as if I have contributed little. I have a job in a diner at 55 years old as a waiter. (before this I worked for a national mental health organization until they fired me after having a breakdown, nice hugh?) My only accomplishment currently is that I have regular customers that I make laugh, provide good service, and please my bosses (which is a real pain in the butt). I make elderly people laugh, deal well with the drunks and addicts that come in, make families comfortable, talk to the children and make them have fun. I am a good listener, and people seem to like me. If they only knew the anguish I feel inside. God what a failure I am.

I feel no purpose in life. I feel stupid, ugly, old. Oh did I mention that I am gay. I am gay and mentally ill, double whammy and double stigma. I do have a couple of friends and I feel as if I take more from them than I give.

I love doing what I am doing now. Sitting at the library and typing out my thoughts. It is like therapy for me. I have no insurance and my only mental health assistance comes from the country. See another failure, taking hand outs and putting a strain on a system that is overburdened.

Typing this stuff keeps me alive. How weird. I am so grateful that I found this forum. It is like my partial hospitalization program (I only get 6 weeks a year in partial from the county.) I do see a psychiatrist every 3 months for meds (on the county’s dime). I told her of this forum and she just loved it.

Well, time to end my rant. Thanks to whoever runs and created this forum, you are a big help to me and so many.

Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read my post and I wish everyone here peace and happiness.

Joe

 

Hi Joe,

Nice to meet you. I wish you peace and happiness too. :hugtackles:

P.S. I think you are contributing to the world. Yeah, you're not famous; however, you treat people with respect (at work and with friends) and sound like you do a good job as a waiter. You brighten up people's days; everybody likes to have kind waiters that provide good service in restaurants. It means a lot to people to be treated well. Very few people can become famous and also contribute a lot to this world, but nevertheless you have your own way of contributing to the world. It just might not seem like it's enough if you want to compare yourself to famous people who have done what seems above your head. You're you, and what's important is just being you, caring for yourself and others, and I think that's a slam dunk if you do all of that. :thumbup: For me, there can never be enough compassion and care in the world.

I understand that you might feel that you take too much from your friends and don't give back enough in return. Do you think you can do anything to change that or feel better about your relationships with those people?

All the best,

Alex

 

Nothing wrong with being a waiter, good solid and honest work and more to the point, I like to get me dinner on time :laugh:
I love people who make me smile and laugh, there's not enough of them in the world in my opinion, so you make a massive contribution :hug: