Dear Forum,
I woke up this morning and it was like every other day. I am in terrible physical pain and thoughts of how my life is a dead end that surrounds me at every turn. I go from being mildly content, to dreaming of how I would like things to be different, to utter despair. I guess that is what bipolar is all about. Something must be keeping me going, for the life of me I have trouble knowing what it is.
I do what I am told by my doctor, friends, coworkers, etc. I wish I could just walk away from it all. The other day I looked up on the internet famous people committed suicide. They all contributed so much to the world and yet wanted to leave it. I feel as if I have contributed little. I have a job in a diner at 55 years old as a waiter. (before this I worked for a national mental health organization until they fired me after having a breakdown, nice hugh?) My only accomplishment currently is that I have regular customers that I make laugh, provide good service, and please my bosses (which is a real pain in the butt). I make elderly people laugh, deal well with the drunks and addicts that come in, make families comfortable, talk to the children and make them have fun. I am a good listener, and people seem to like me. If they only knew the anguish I feel inside. God what a failure I am.
I feel no purpose in life. I feel stupid, ugly, old. Oh did I mention that I am gay. I am gay and mentally ill, double whammy and double stigma. I do have a couple of friends and I feel as if I take more from them than I give.
I love doing what I am doing now. Sitting at the library and typing out my thoughts. It is like therapy for me. I have no insurance and my only mental health assistance comes from the country. See another failure, taking hand outs and putting a strain on a system that is overburdened.
Typing this stuff keeps me alive. How weird. I am so grateful that I found this forum. It is like my partial hospitalization program (I only get 6 weeks a year in partial from the county.) I do see a psychiatrist every 3 months for meds (on the county’s dime). I told her of this forum and she just loved it.
Well, time to end my rant. Thanks to whoever runs and created this forum, you are a big help to me and so many.
Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read my post and I wish everyone here peace and happiness.
Joe
I woke up this morning and it was like every other day. I am in terrible physical pain and thoughts of how my life is a dead end that surrounds me at every turn. I go from being mildly content, to dreaming of how I would like things to be different, to utter despair. I guess that is what bipolar is all about. Something must be keeping me going, for the life of me I have trouble knowing what it is.
I do what I am told by my doctor, friends, coworkers, etc. I wish I could just walk away from it all. The other day I looked up on the internet famous people committed suicide. They all contributed so much to the world and yet wanted to leave it. I feel as if I have contributed little. I have a job in a diner at 55 years old as a waiter. (before this I worked for a national mental health organization until they fired me after having a breakdown, nice hugh?) My only accomplishment currently is that I have regular customers that I make laugh, provide good service, and please my bosses (which is a real pain in the butt). I make elderly people laugh, deal well with the drunks and addicts that come in, make families comfortable, talk to the children and make them have fun. I am a good listener, and people seem to like me. If they only knew the anguish I feel inside. God what a failure I am.
I feel no purpose in life. I feel stupid, ugly, old. Oh did I mention that I am gay. I am gay and mentally ill, double whammy and double stigma. I do have a couple of friends and I feel as if I take more from them than I give.
I love doing what I am doing now. Sitting at the library and typing out my thoughts. It is like therapy for me. I have no insurance and my only mental health assistance comes from the country. See another failure, taking hand outs and putting a strain on a system that is overburdened.
Typing this stuff keeps me alive. How weird. I am so grateful that I found this forum. It is like my partial hospitalization program (I only get 6 weeks a year in partial from the county.) I do see a psychiatrist every 3 months for meds (on the county’s dime). I told her of this forum and she just loved it.
Well, time to end my rant. Thanks to whoever runs and created this forum, you are a big help to me and so many.
Thanks to anyone that takes the time to read my post and I wish everyone here peace and happiness.
Joe