So, I finally went to a doctor. I went and talked to him about a week ago. I told him about seriously contemplating suicide. He put me on a antidepressant. Venlafaxine. Things had been going alright, for a while I actually felt good. But today was the first day back at school, and I started to feel angry and depressed again. It didnt last, but Im worried it might come back. I never really let go of the idea of just ending it for myself, I just put it on a back burner while I was feeling okay. But I went back to school and I felt so nervous, and that made me get quiet and angry, feeling like everyone around is just judging me again. Plus I sort of developed a crush on a girl named Becca, I somehow got the idea that maybe if I liked her she could like me back, but I know that was just a fantasy. When she tries telling me how hot the new exchange student is, it just took me back where I was. Not to mention how it twists my mind when I agree that he looks good. I can't figure this sexuality shit out and its driving me mad. Im just worried that these antidepressants arent going to be enough and Im going to end up in my bathroom with a razor again thinking about how deep I can go. This is all hard to explain. My idea was I would post that I have been doing better lately, I just wanted to vent some of my dramatic bullshit instead of letting it boil over until it becomes a problem again.