I feel like i'm posting in here so much... I feel like I'm teetering on an edge, or maybe on a swing. One moment I'm as okay as I'm going to be (hey! I'm eating dinner..feeding my cats! I'm trying to convince *other people* that their lives have meaning! I'm almost functional!). The next minute I'm dissolved in a puddle on the floor, going back and forth between this method or that method. The only way I sleep is by thinking of my different "outs". During these times, all that is holding me back is fear and guilt. I had a very frank discussion with someone online last night. I won't say who or where, let's just say that it was about things that were very much against the rules of this forum. And it was so....calming. To not have the taboo of things that you can't talk about in the open..even in places like this. To have people who *understand and empathize* about these things. I'm so tired of people IRL just telling me to pull myself up and get over "it". What happened to get me here is a process, and I'm being treated like getting out of it should be a lightswitch that I can flick all on my own. I'm reaching out to the people in my life who mean the most to me, and I'm being rejected because they don't understand, and can't pretend to understand. They can't give me a hug and say "I believe in you. You have been here before, but you have pulled yourself out of it before and you WILL do it again. I'm here for you, I'm not going away." They can't believe that it's NOT ABOUT THEM anymore. It's about me.