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Up, down, up down?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jenniferelaine, Apr 1, 2010.

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  1. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    I feel like i'm posting in here so much...

    I feel like I'm teetering on an edge, or maybe on a swing. One moment I'm as okay as I'm going to be (hey! I'm eating dinner..feeding my cats! I'm trying to convince *other people* that their lives have meaning! I'm almost functional!). The next minute I'm dissolved in a puddle on the floor, going back and forth between this method or that method. The only way I sleep is by thinking of my different "outs". During these times, all that is holding me back is fear and guilt.

    I had a very frank discussion with someone online last night. I won't say who or where, let's just say that it was about things that were very much against the rules of this forum. And it was so....calming. To not have the taboo of things that you can't talk about in the open..even in places like this. To have people who *understand and empathize* about these things.

    I'm so tired of people IRL just telling me to pull myself up and get over "it". What happened to get me here is a process, and I'm being treated like getting out of it should be a lightswitch that I can flick all on my own. I'm reaching out to the people in my life who mean the most to me, and I'm being rejected because they don't understand, and can't pretend to understand. They can't give me a hug and say "I believe in you. You have been here before, but you have pulled yourself out of it before and you WILL do it again. I'm here for you, I'm not going away." They can't believe that it's NOT ABOUT THEM anymore. It's about me.
  2. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Totally there Jen. That teetering you described is the trance I am in.....when I get into that trance, I run up in my pajamas and drive to the bridge in the middle of the nite. I'ts become like a automatic response mechanism...in a dark way, it is a survival mechanism.

    That's the frustrating thing, you're right....if "they" would start really understanding that it is about us not them......I don't think non-depressed and non-suicidal people will ever fully understand. I personally cannot ever see them fully engaging.....and more so, best at times they don't.

    The hardest part of being suicidal is breaking the ongoing script in our head/mind about going.....dying.....etc etc. Have you created ways to divert the thinking?

    I met one gentlemen years ago who always kept his running shoes with him...if he started to feel depressed , he would run. He would keep only upbeat music in his car....he schedule little activities for himself.....coffee shop, museums, volunteer work....some of the things he said that I need to remind myself,

    "You MUST eliminate the things you can, that keep the depression/suicidal thoughts going.....its like a unhealthy friendship that must end....it's sad yet the parting in neccessary for the healing.."

    Those were his words, almost verbatim.

    Grrrrr, okay you answered my question I posted on your visitor page......my timing is bad EEK.
  3. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    So my no-good-cousin tried it. Chickened out and called for help.

    My family sat and made fun of him for it.
  4. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Yesterday was down. Way down. Was content to be non-verbal and withdrawn.

    Today is up higher...too bad my head hurts too much to move.
  5. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Oddly enough, the past few days haven't been that bad. I'm not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm not fantasizing about killing myself at every turn. Just some of them.

    Every time I turn around, the friendship I have with my ex is deteriorating because of my emotional state. First he tried to be there and be supportive, but not having been in these shoes, he doesn't understand them. He made a comment about how I should consider myself lucky because I AM alive, and I told him not to say that. He told me to call the hospital..or go ahead, but send back one of his friends who never got the chance.

    He says that he is dissatisfied with his entire life. Job, friends, himself, everything. He was not overtly dissatisfied with me, but he wasn't happy either (he uses the word "content" a lot). I was the first thing that he was going to change about his life.

    I accept the blame for why I've fallen apart. It probably wouldn't surprise a lot of people here to read that a person who has self-esteem issues also lost herself in a relationship. That's what I did. I let myself get tangled up in the relationship, and I lost myself almost entirely. This didn't happen overnight. We always had our problems, and I used to be much better at handling it. But over time, as things started getting harrier...I started compromising. And every time I compromised, or gave up something for the sake of our being together...I lost a bit of myself. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even recognize me any more. I've forgotten what *I* like, what *my* passions are.

    So the first stage was utter decimation. I lost my identity, hopes, dreams...all of it. Nothing held any joy.

    Now, some days, I feel like I'm regaining my identity...but I've lost my best friend. I've never had a huge support network...and after a year of watching me walk around like some trauma victim, the people that are left are tired. Now that I'm starting to get ready to pull myself back up...they aren't there.

    Through it all..he's been there in some capacity. I'm not going to talk about the mistakes we've both made over the past year, because they have been made. The last couple of months have been incredibly hard. He has utterly refused to see me for two months. He talks to me as he sees fit. Sometimes I'm okay with this, other times I get anxious that I'll never hear from him again and freak out. Sometimes reassurances that he's not going away work, and sometimes they don't.

    He says he feels trapped by me. Possibly the worst thing about this whole situation is that I know I'm only making things worse with every time I freak out. I want us both to be happy, even if it means that we're not together. But honestly, I don't have much (or any) faith in it happening for me.

    I've told him point-blank what I need. Love, verbal reassurance, friendship, and the occasional hug. And that this isn't about me wanting a romantic relationship with him anymore (I don't even know that I'm capable of it anymore)....it's about me finding support while I find myself again.
  6. Before I came here I thought I was alone in this up/down experience. Not that misery likes company (I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy), but it's nice to know you're not alone sometimes.

    There is nothing that anyone can do that would make me feel better... this is an internal struggle. I may find a hobby or a different way of thinking about things, but often times it's short lived. One day I'm cured, the next day I'm hoping I won't wake up.
  7. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    Wow, reading your original post is like going inside my own head...I totally understand!
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