Up to Me

[GoldenPsych]

Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something. I can see where she's coming from, but, once it is in my head there is not getting rid of it. I am more bothered about the inbetween bits and making sure it doesn't get in my head in the first place. I said this to her earlier.

They had a meeting about me today.

The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. Sam wants them to come out and see me pretty much as soon as I get back from this holiday. They wont though. I don't think they will anyway. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.

I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that.

Sam said if I were not going away she would be having me in to see her almost straight away. And if she were not on holiday she would have me in on the Tuesday morning after I get back Monday night. I know people want to help. But I am feeling I can't accept it.

At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and my blog. I worry that somehow one of the professionals has come across it. Some of the things Sam has said to me seem a bit odd as I am sure I have not told her so I worry she has read the blog. I know they can break confidentiality if they think you are a risk to yourself. I would hope Sam would tell me first. She has said she would if she was going to break confidentiality. At least it would give me a heads up so I could do something about it.

I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things.

If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?

x

 

[Stranger1]

If I am in crisis I would go back in the hospital.. At least that is the plan..I'm on countdown right now myself..I'm giving it till the 3rd of August..If something goes wrong Then it is adios..I guess I am not the one to be giving advice right now..Please give yourself the same plan that I have and go to the hospital if things get worst..

 

[Socialman]

I stopped calling people. They just tell me that if I want to do it, then I don't need to tell them because it's just crying for attention.

 

[GoldenPsych]

I think that is what I am also bothered about. People saying I just want attention. I heard so many times on the wards about patients when the said they wanted to SH...oh it's just an attention seeking ploy.

I have elaborated more on this post in my blog.

xxx

 

[peacelovingguy]

Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something.
x

THAT part is up to you.

I've replied on another thread in which you are hallucinating - told you to phone someone asap. This will help tremendously!!!!!!

I sent my phone number - as an emergency line!

I'm sure other members here have done this. In fact - in the UK we should at least get a few members as buddies. Sure - I'd say members of the same sex as we can be vulnerable and the dynamics with the opposite sex might be a bit dangerous. Depends on how long you have 'known' people here I guess. You got to be so careful online.

But I've done this for two members - and if someone is really bad and has nobody to talk to about this (many do not) well - its taking things a step further.

Its not only good to talk it can actually save your life!

I hope GS gets back online tonight or pops down the hospital.

 

[Jenny]

Hi GS,

Just popped in to see how you are doing and good to see you have posted, although sorry things are so difficult. Have read your recent posts and am glad that you have found yourself some support. Sounds like you can trust Sam a lot and are able to tell her how things truly are for you.. I know you'll know this, but mental health professionals (in the UK) don't normally want clients to be admitted to hospital, and they'll try to do whatever they can to help keep people in the community. I understand a Home Treatment team may not be possible as you live at home, but there is probably other help they can offer, such as the Crisis Team (unless they are the same thing?) etc. But i guess it's up to you to call for help if you feel you need it.. there's little they can do if you don't call for help and lean on them in times of need really.

My CPN put a whole care plan in place for me and a big part of it was to phone her (or the Crisis Line) if I felt at risk.. but when I didn't contact them despite feeling at risk, she was quite firm with me and said that actually there's nothing she/they could do if i didn't take them up on their offers of help.. she said either I wanted to get better or I wanted to continue as I was going and maybe one day end up dead. It felt very harsh at the time but actually she was right.. it really hit home that getting out of my rutt was down to me and me alone. I'm not saying that I had to get out of the rutt alone, but that something in my thinking had to change and i had to really want to.. so, as hard as it was, i started phoning her while sobbing.. it was hard and scary, but having her (and others) support really helped. Not saying it's all an easy journey but it's a journey.. i'm learning to lean on many different people, be honest with them and get what i truly need to improve. But none of this could've happened if i hadn't decided to do whatever it takes to 'get better'. I've been in the same destructive cycle for years and years..

I too work in mental health, have a psychology degree etc. but i don't think that should stop you getting help and support. When I returned from work last year after a long time of sickness it was amazing how many people confided in me that they too had depression. It's ok to get help although i do understand the concern of finding yourself in front of someone you know. But you could maybe ask to see someone from a different locality.. and if inpatient treatment is needed you could even ask to go to a different county. It's your right and if this will help you then I'd say go for it. If you don't think going in to hospital would help you then maybe you need to think about working with your care plan so that the mental health team don't end up having to section you. I really do understand calling for help can be scary, but if it'd help then it may be best?

What would it take to keep yourself safe right now? What do you need? What do YOU feel would help you?

Hope this reply doesn't seem harsh or uncaring as I truly do care about you and have logged in here just to see how you are doing because i think of you often. I just hope that things will improve for you and that one day instead of focussing on how to exit life, you can focus on how to keep yourself safe.

Thinking of you
Jenny

 

[GoldenPsych]

I don't know what would help me. I don't know who can.

I got a letter this morning from the person who assessed me in hospital. It's on my blog.

She has written a bit of a care plan and I know none of it will work and I wont do anything about it.