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  1. silent_chaos

    silent_chaos Well-Known Member

    I'm down again. Very very very down. I haven't been out of the house. I'm having irrational thinking. getting obsessed with things that are unreachable And never will be in reach. I want love so bad, but it hurts so bad. I keep trying to look for people in the wrong places. Just as friends. That's all, FRIENDS! are there people that will be friend and not ask for a picture. Yes I am hidding behind a keyboard And looking for attention. I don't reach out to my real friends cause I don't like them seeing me like this. I want to be worth something to someone DAMN IT!!!. But I should be humanly put down. Because I'm to naive. Or to stupid to stick to my boudries, nor listen to my gut, or head the warnings of red lights. Instead I stand there saying ooooh what are those pretty red lights for. Or just flat give out my bank account information. Its so hard to ground myself right now. These dbt classes I just don't know about anymore. They must not know about multiple mind sets. some peoples battles against judgments, feelings, emotions all at once and feed off eachoth. Only you brain tells what your brain to do,. Now I'm just rambling the f**k off. I don't want to go to class. I just can't. But I don't want to get in trouble. I'm always loosing a battle. If I don't go to class I'm not going to get better. But do I use everything in me to walk out the front door. With the sheer terror I feel when I leave my home. IS IT worth feeling suicidal by even thinking of putting my foot outside the door. IS IT !? My concentration level is very low.
    I just neeeeed to feeeel something. I haven't forgiven. I haven't been angry. I've lost my smile, my laughter. My tears arnt for joy anymore.
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry you're feeling like this.

    One thing, and I totally understand how you think... but the way you are worth something to your friends or loved one is letting them in, allowing them to see and help you with your problems.

    Do you have anything that helps you get out more though? Staying inside and hiding away seems like the logical choice when you're anxious (I'm like that too) but the truth is that the more you lock yourself the more your anxiety level will rise. You need to get some help to get over this vicious cycle. Do you have a therapist that can help you work on coping mechanisms?
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    When you do force yourself to go then you at leas have something for a morale victory to hold onto. When you decide to not bother, not only do you not get better but you give yourself all kinds of extra reasons to self doubt and feel bad about yourself. It is hard and takes will power to do things- for everybody- it is not just you, and it is not just people that are depressed or suffer anxiety or whatever- things are hard to do very often for most everybody. But the only way to make self feel better and regain self control is to actually do them. When you make yourself go when you do not want to , when you refuse to cute when you do want to, those are the things that give real victories and make you feel like there is hope. Because in the end it is always far less about "cannot " and More about "dont want to", learning the difference gives a chance to grow and shows you that you can actually succeed.
     
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