Update: 2

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tom88, Jul 6, 2008.

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  1. Tom88

    Tom88 Member

    Ok so a couple of things have happened. 1, I got a job at Wendy's and it isnt all too bad. I did a couple of calculations (with taxes) and found out that ill have an extra $625 every 3 months after bills+taxes which I hope is enough to pay for gas + any extra stuff e.g. blizzcon.
    The end of my teenage years are coming at the end of this month, as im turning 20, and it is kind of a downer but I suppose it is just a number.
    My mothers internet that I was using decided to die on the 3rd of July and apparently AT&T is closed till monday so I was without internet for 2 days but this morning I made a call to Clearwire and had them set it up in about 3 hours.
    As of July 4th the bar on my reenlistment has been raised and I want to rejoin but there is a couple of problems that I just dont understand. I want to join back up and go to Afghanistan with my unit because I realise that some, and not all, of the people in it were the closest thing to a family that ive ever had in my life, they actually cared somewhat. Another part of me thinks that I cant do it, and I have this fear that im going to be too weak to make it in the Army, that im going to be incapable of keeping up. When I was in before, the main thing that got me was not being able to keep up in PT and just losing my motivation and confidence which led to anxiety, depression and that led to all my anger. There was a person in my unit who would do ruck marches with 100LB's outside of regular PT on the off hours... I mean this guy would do PT for fun, he loved it thrived on it, and it was just so easy for him to do. I think if I were strong enough to keep up then I would have no problem keeping my own but I let it get to me and because im weak its just too hard for me to do. I dont understand why this has to be the most difficult part of my being, Why I cant become strong enough to match other people. So im stuck at a cross roads with what is right and what is wrong with what I can handle and what I cant but I dont know which is what and where I need to go... im disconnected yet again without an idea of where to go.
    During work I have these flashbacks of something where I made a mistake and I just feel so bad for no reason seemingly... like I remembered this one time where I had a panic attack when I was carrying out this heavy trash can and the next thing I know im underneath some dude who tackled me... They made me stand at parade rest facing the wall while my Sqd. Ldr wrote up a counselling statement, that was actually the day before I went into the hospital I believe. Anyway the point is these things just keep popping up in my head and I feel extremely bad about it like it just happened.... I dunno if thats guilt or what...
    I failed my second test of anatomy (out of 3) making my grade in the class a 69% ( -.- ) and the fourth one is coming up on tuesday so hopefully a full blown out study day on monday will do the trick.... im hoping. I have a term paper due in nursing fundamentals class that I got about halfway done before the internet kicked me in the nuts so I also gotta worry about that on monday.
    I cant bring myself to even go through to get therapy even though I know theres some fucked up parts of me and my past that ill never understand by myself, its just the complication of getting the insurance and awkwardness of going through therapy outside of the military... I just dont know the resourses in my town and on top of everything I dont have insurance nor have I ever gotten it, I just hate how fucking overcomplicated it has to be.I dont even want to begin the process because I dont even know if it would even help... and on my schedule right now things are fucked.
    Days are coming and going and I just feel more and more neutral every day, I dont know where my life is leading me and I dont really care because I dont think it matters. I've been realising my own reality is just a fake existance to me, yes I understand that life is what you make of it, but if you make it happy then its like bullshitting yourself, when not even trying to make it anything makes it sad? I dont understand what I want I dont know what it is im looking for or if im even looking for something, im lost, confused, distraught at the idea of all of this. Maybe im looking for some excuse to go on living for what? Another thing that pisses me off is when someone says or thinks that someone elses suicide is a cowardly thing... how can anyone piss off a reason like that, who is anyone to say what is cowardly except for self image? I dont understand any of this, I work, school (to get better paying work,) play video games, maybe go out with friends every once in a dam while, all for what? some meaningless existance in a world where currency is the dominant factor? I was talking to someone in the chat the other day on the fact that I want to go overseas with my friends... I was asked why would I even want to go to kill someone whom I dont even know. I was surprised to find my response was very simple but auful... "its a job, and it gives me money". Because that is what the world essentially is all about is money, but the fact remains, if I dont do it... theres always going to be someone else to do it so refraining from doing it in the first place isnt going to stop it from happening. I dont have an excuse to commit suicide because nothing is terribly wrong... I just have this mindset that I dont want to be here in an endless cycle... and I guess... I just dont want to disappoint anyone anymore. I wanna understand why I feel this way.

    PS: if anyone knows the real author of those quotes please enlighten me
  2. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    You have a lot going through your head at the moment a lot of it on where your life is takin you and on the army. Try writing out what you want to achieve in life, how the army fits in to that and how ur mental health fits into that.

    The army will not let you fight or let you re-enlist unless you are fit both mentally and physically.

    The flashbacks and other things that you have mentioned sounds like you may be suffering from PTSD. I am not an expert but it is a possiblity and would help explain the saddness and guilt that you are feeling.

    Here if you want to talk.

  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Good Morning Tom,
    I know how you feel about being out of the service. I am a former Marine. I kick myself in the ass for getting out. I really didn't have much choice in the matter. I got caught with a pipe in my pocket and they charged me with posssion of marijuana. My CO at 29 stumps gave me the choice I could get out or I could go overseas and start over. Well my CO in Okinawa read that in my file and called me in to his office. He told me in so many words that he wasn't going to have a pothead in his Marine Corps, so he ran me out the service.
    If you decide to go back in from what I hear is they run a pretty thourough back ground check on you. You know you have to have the right mind set and discipilne. I personally would not go if there is the slightess possibility I could bring harm to others. I hope that didn't sound to harsh, I just wanted you to think about it. The choice is yours. If there is anything I can do to help you, just PM me...:chopper:...
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds like you have a full plate with your nursing classes right now. I am curious about you wanting to get back in to the military when you working towards a degree in a career that is so needed right now. Do you plan on being a medic? Make sure you really check out things ahead of time if they will let you back in with a history of instability. I would hate to see you have your heart set on going back only to be disappointed. For now concentrate on your classes. Nursing classes can be rigorous.
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