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Update About My Life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Aquariamethystea, Apr 20, 2008.

  1. I thought for a long time about where I was going to post this thread, because I plan on writing a very descriptive/detailed message here. I haven't posted about my life in a thread started by me, for quite some time. There are so many different topics I want to mention here, so I figured to go ahead and post this in the "Let It All Out" forum.

    I have been very quiet during the past few months. There aren't many people I talk with much anymore on both SF and on MSN. I realize that alot the quietness on SF with me is because alot of times, I'm in the "Away Room". Even when I am in the chat lobby, I feel afraid to talk there, unless I'm asked something. I don't get messaged very often on MSN anymore. I wrote a thread a few months ago, saying that I was beginning to feel a very painful "isolation" feeling beginning to occur with me, and since then, it's been getting much worse. It's as if all of the issues from 2007 have really been taking a toll on me this year. I had so many relationship troubles last year, which ended badly to where I don't have contact with any of my exs from last year anymore, even just as friends. I had one relationship this year, which I ended, so that I could be at peace with her and to allow for friendship to still exist between us. Already in my life, I've felt unloved, and that I can't be loved. Yet, within the past few months, I've begun to feel that I can't even be liked anymore. I think about how many people dislike/hate me, and I begin to wish that they'd tell me so that it would be easier for me to go kill myself. I wouldn't kill myself because of them though, just that it would make it easier for me to do so. SF has been my coping source during the past few years, although I really can't rely on SF anymore. SF hasn't done anything to make me feel this way. It's just a sign of how badly that I am detereorating.

    So far, this thread sounds like I am "whining", and I admit that I am. I'm in alot of pain, and it isn't just an issue about social acceptance. There are alot of new members to SF who do not know about my life and will read this wondering what could be so bad for me. Before my name was changed to "Amethyst Selenium", I was "Beyond Broken (BP)" here on SF and at a friend's pro-life suicide website : http://suicidehelpers.do-talk.com/
    Anyways, I wrote about my life at : http://suicidehelpers.do-talk.com/about-you-f2/about-me-t8.htm

    To shortly explain about my situation. I am a 25 year old disabled male. My health is affected by a peripheral neuropathy known as Charcot Marie Tooth, which affects my walking/balance and respiratory also. I've had serious issues with both my mother and my father, and their families, which have involved them abusing me, discriminating me, neglecting me, rejecting me, etc. I've been discriminated by schools and I've been kept from being able to do anything with my life, besides sitting at home most of the day and sleeping. I rarely go anywhere, and when I do, I'm reliant on my mother to take me anywhere, which usually is more of a burden for her, rather than her being happy to take me places considering my situation. I'm made to feel guilty by her because I'm still alive. She even has told me that she prays for my death.

    This has become a major problem for me. I've been taking something often, in order to cope with staying alive, even though the main purpose of my having it, is to save it until I'm ready to use it in order to suicide. I won't mention here on SF what "it" is, because methods aren't allowed to be discussed here. Anyways, this doesn't mean that I don't want to suicide. I took an overdose of "it" back in September 2007. Quite likely, I would have died, however, I made the stupid decision to answer the phone when someone called me. The girl noticed that something sounded wrong with me. She strictly questioned me, which I felt forced to tell her about what I did, then she called the paramedics on me. Though, I'm not upset at her for doing so. I'm upset at myself for answering the phone. I'm upset at myself for not making the same attempt as I did then. I'm ashamed that I am still alive.

    It is pathetic that I am struggling to be happy here, when I have such strong beliefs about what will happen to me after I die from here : http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=38482&highlight=Island

    For hours on Saturday, I sat at the wedding shower for my cousin Jacob, who is getting married next month. To those who know about my issues concerning my cousins' weddings, the main issue is with my cousin Michael's wedding, which fortunately still is scheduled to be in Hawaii. However, it seems that I can't even cope dealing with Jacob's wedding. Even though it only was a wedding shower, not the actual wedding, I still didn't feel well being there. I felt alone and isolated, surrounded in a room with a bunch of people who have lives which seem to be so much better than my life. At least they are loved and supported. Also, I sat there thinking about my uncle who died a while back. I thought about how most likely, he would have been there at the shower. I would have had someone to talk with while there. Instead, he's in heaven in such peace, yet, I'm stuck here, miserable, with a very good way to die, although, I'm too stupid to actually make the attempt like the attempt that I made in September last year.
  2. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    playing games is a good way to pass the time and is usually happy even when I feel down.
  3. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: Kurt,

    On MSN I don't message people a lot, cos I'm always wandering off and shit, but please feel free to message me if you do want to talk, and I will reply if I'm at my computer.
    You know I care for you and I think the entire Island idea is wonderful, as long as it's a way of not being afraid of death, rather than a way to make you want to die.

    You are worth living, Kurt. :arms:
  4. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    :hug: Kurt.

    Times are rough, and whatever gets a person through them is good. As long as it doesn't hurt the person, anyway. Sounds like it's just been a really rough way to start the year. But we're only in April, that can all change :smile:.

    Just hang in there Kurt. YOu ever need to vent, you've got me on MSN, Skype, and we're usually in Chat.
  5. Thank you :hug:

    I'm still not well. Something else is bothering me. I'll post about it in the relationships forum in a while.
  6. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    :hug: :hug:

    *toddles off to the relationships forum to read*