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Update- Im not so crazy anymore...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Metallica*Melinda, Oct 14, 2009.

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  1. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Hello Sf... its been quite a while since my last post... I dont know how many people I know who are still actively posting on this site, but for those of you who remeber me, you are probobally reading this with aprehension, if you are even reading it at all....
    This is a message to anyone who is going through a hard time... this is a message to anyone who is willing to read it. If you have addictions, or are suicidal, I dont know if this will help, but I hope it helps someone out there somewhere...
    This is me speaking from the heart, I will tell you a little about myself incase you dont know me, then I will tell you what I've accomplished since the last time I was on this site, then I will go and be on my way :) !
    I would first off like everyone on this site to know that I am 14 days clean&SOBER... :mort: (I've 'cleaned up' :laugh: )
    I have been going to AA meetings, I am trying to do 90 meetings in 90 days...
    Now to get to the point where I dont want to use drugs or even to the point where I actually want to live, I went through some hardships... lotsa pain, suicide attempts and a lot of 'reaching out'...
    At times in my life I felt that it was hopeless to continue and I didnt believe anyone when they said it would get better...
    If you give it time, it will get better.... trust me. I've been through a lot... I've hurt a lot of people and I've hurt myself on numerous occasions...
    I wont tell you its all peaches and cream, because its not, honestly... theres still times when I get down and dont feel like living, but I have to think and call someone when I feel like that...
    I do remeber quite a few times coming to this site and threatening suicide, infact I did it so much that enventually people stopped replying, most likely thinking 'she wont do it, its the same old shit all over again'
    And yes, it WAS the same old shit all over again, but I was honestly just trying to reach out, get some attention, and seriously WAS feeling like killing myself...
    For some reason I always knew, even if I didnt admit it, that there was something better than what I was going through, there was a better life... but if someone told me that they'd get told to fuck off...
    Im not going to get into the grizzly details of my past, I will not do that, it can be triggering, but I will tell you the HONEST truth about what I am doing to better my life right now, and how I found hope...
    I am an alcoholic/addict (recovering, now) and have been CLEAN&SOBER for 14 days (I am almost half way to a month!) I've been going to AA, today will be my 14th meeting...
    The changing point for me was when I almost died 2x in 1wk because of drugs, and honestly, I thought I didnt care if I lived or died.... then I found a really great friend who brought me to AA... ever since that day things have changed, but even before that I made the choice that I wanted to change my life...
    I was tired of sleeping outside on the streets in the cold everynight... I was tired of looking for my next drink or fix all day long... but mostly, I was tired of hurting myself, weather it was physically or emotionally... mentally or spiritually... I wanted to change my life.... and I suppose I did.
    I know that theres a lot more to life than I could see in those moments of pain, I know that there is hope for everyone, as long as that person gives it a chance... and of course, a lot of us have to wait it out... which can be difficult.
    But I think if I can do it anyone can, Im not saying my problems are worse than yours at all, what I AM saying is that I was a person in a lot of pain and made it out alive even though I thought I wouldnt...
    I am here, I have a son, and am expecting another child within the next 6 months... I have a lot to live for now... sure, I've made HUGE mistakes, but living in the past won't help the future. I learned this in AA: "Live and let live." I had to figure that one out on my own... and take it how you will... if you can understand the meaning, it does mean something different to everyone, but I think it helps... also "One day at a time...." Seriously, thats what I live by this second,this moment, this DAY...
    So, please, dont give up hope... not even when things look the darkest, there is hope for everyone... just give it time, even though its hard to do, things CAN and WILL get better, give it time and find something you love...
    *Thanks for reading this, and thanks to SF for all your help over the years, please continue your work, I know you help people...*
    :hugtackles: Love 4ever, Melinda! :biggrin:
  2. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    "Live and let live."
    I beleive we all need to understand this, some both parts, some the first part.
    Melinda, it was inspiring reading your story, hope you hold on to whatever helps you.
  3. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    iT's worth the fight. also you do it for you. It's not being selfish to think about managing your own life, not any addiction, or any person. It's healthy. And thank you Melinda. It is indeed hopeful. And meaningful.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm a member of AA and you can always pm me when you want. Congratulations on 14 days, that is a big accomplishment.

  5. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Hi Melinda.

    A big WTG for you!!!!

    It's not easy, but it's worth it!


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, thats just some great news. no one is prouder than yourself.

    congrats on taking the steps you needed to take. i applaud you.

  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm happy to see you have found some direction in your life. Some goals. And I'm so proud of you and the 14 days!!! Keep going before you know it, 3 months then 6 and so on. But hun please remember there are going to be days that you may slip or not feel like putting up the fight. That's normal so please make sure on those days to talk to someone. Wow you really have come a long way hun. Congratulations. Your son and baby to be are lucky to have a strong person there for them. You are lucky that you found that strong person that was hiding inside and decided to finally let her out. Keep moving forward hun. But drop a post now and then so we know just how far you've gotten!!!
  8. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    Hey, Thanks everyone... Im very glad that I got some replies, tho, I wasnt expecting this many... lol.
    And yes, I do know that theres times Ill wanna slip or times when I will feel low, I've already gotten those feelings and all... but I have picked up the phone everytime and no matter what time it has been people were very very gald I called... so thank-you for your words :) !!
    Im very happy to hear that other members of this forum are also in AA!!
    Thanks for your words, everyone, and I wish you all luck in your future... and of course, I will drop a line here and there...
    Love always...
    Melinda!! :donut: <Lol couldnt resist that 1~
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Way to go what an feat always great to hear such good news thanks for giving others hope.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome back to the forum melinda!! Well done!! You must be so proud, you have achieved a lot :hug:
  11. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    what an awesome post. And, i really hear your message about the need to reach out to people, I am struggling with that at this very moment, but to hear that you ARE doing it and getting better is very inspiring.

    thanks for sharing this. And keep moving forward!


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    yes, quite an achievement melinda.

    the fact that you are calling ppl when you get the urge is fantastic.
    it shows desire, commitment, determination and courage.

    keep doing what you are doing and you will see changes as they come along.
    you will realise that all the effort is well worth it.

  13. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    :love: all, thanks for the replies and the amazing support. Im hoping to become a productive member of this community and society in general... :stars: Take care...
    Melinda! :weee:
  14. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

  15. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    Way to go, Melinda! Thanks for posting your message, since it'll give others hope.
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