Update On Me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Oct 23, 2009.

  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    Just popping in to give a update on myself.. Things are as usual around here. Its sort of a Indian summer right now - a break in the cold weather for a mini heat wave. My little guy is spending his weekend with my mom. Im just here listening to my newish Shinedown cd... Our car yet again needs a repair. This time its a bit cheaper. The salvage yard parts will only save about $20 by the time I factor gas to make the drive on... Im sitting here wondering how I even breath. That thought crosses me a lot expecially lately. I lay in bed at night expecting the floor to open and then the earth. Im feeling so sad but I wouldnt call it depression. My dogs are doing good. My Shaggy is sweet as ever, my Thor has eyes that always calm me, Wolfe is doing well (poor little guy is blind from birth), Cupid makes me happy because he always alerts me to anything outside, and Loke is just sweet Loke... I feel like Im slowly going insane.. I worry about early onset of dementia and things like that. I think I had swine flu but cant proove it as I have no insurance to see a doctor. My skin was blue, my lips were blue, my chest was heavy, I struggled for every breath, I was nearly chocking on my own snot.. I suffered bad for about 3 days - sick just over a week total.. I dont understand how I keep going.. I worry about everything..Im afraid of water, I cant sleep without doing a checklist, riding in the car is a scary thing for me anymore, I look at strangers and wonder friend or enemy..I guess Im just saying that Im suprised Im able to function..People keep telling me to see a doctor..I cant because I have no insurance..What good would it do anyhow. I have took nearly every medication available for my type of problems - yes a doctor told me that after looking at my file. Its been 10 years and nothing helped for long. Im nearly 300 pounds today and I blame the medications... My heart beats funny which is probably a medication thing too. I have had rashes that made my skin peal off and look burnt.. I have slept for more then 20 hours a day, been awake for 3 days straight without even a single minute of sleep, I have took medications that made me sick, made my muscles hurt, made me twitch, and made me like a zombie.. I have basically given up on medications ever being a help.. The judge on my ssi case is giving me hell - refusing to sign the paper work to release her decision to me. I finally got upset and called the supervisor who cant do much but said he would try his best to find out whats happening.. I hate to say this but I miss the days I would drink mad dawg, pop pills, and slice my skin up.. I miss the days when I was young, free, and would sleep with anything that offered.. Not that my life is bad now - its just uncomfortable. Im struggling with illness, money problems, housing issues, broken down car, and all kinds of shit I can barely deal with. Well thats my update for now. My mind went blank. Well one last thing..A poem I love that helps me to think about.. (No this isnt the poem just my thoughts at this time)..I keep pushing things into that black box but nothing ever appears worthy of the gold one..It seems the more I push into the black the emptier I get...
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member