update on my daugter

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by mybabygirl, Apr 19, 2007.

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  1. mybabygirl

    mybabygirl Member

    Well, i am a selfish mom.I can't let her go.I want her back so bad.She will never come out of this.I'm really starting to greive her.I miss everything about her..My daugter was loved so much,i tried everything all the time to give her selfesteem.Can somebody please let me no how she felt..How come she had made such a bad choice.Why did she think that was her only way out.I counted her meds she was on prozca and resperidone, she was missing 4 pills.She didn't take 4 pills about 2 days before she tried to kill herself..When she would get mad she would try choking herself,why?..Whn she did this did she feel pain??I keep thinking she made a bad mistake.That she didn't mean to..i have met another mom in the same hospital as randie.Her son 13yrs tried hanging himself on april 03,He is left the same as my daughter badly brain damaged.I really want to put my self out there for anyone to talk with..I really don't want anyone ,mom, dad,children to feel the pain.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Aw honey, thank you for updating us, I am just sorry that everything is still so bad.

    Have you got any therapy? Hopefully you are getting some support. Hopefully also meeting someone who can relate to you will help you too.

    I don't think anyone will know how she felt, but I know how I have felt around suicide attempts, I will say these words, but if you want more detail, then feel free to PM me. I felt alone, isolated, driven, like nothing would ever change, I had no hope, it would be better for everyone if I was gone, like I had no choice in it.

    Everyone feels something different, but that is what I felt.

    I really hope that you are receiving some professional support for this. I can't imagine how hard it is for you.

    Hang in there and take care of yourself
  3. mybabygirl

    mybabygirl Member

    you know i feel like if i never had the other kids, i would just never wake up.. grounded her off the phone that day.She was talking with a way older dude that hits girls.I was just trying to protect her.She was crying the whole way home when i picked her up from work.I thought i will give her time to culm down and go and talk with her to explain myself,why i didn't want her talking with the guy.Thats when i found her.I love her so much.Now i want to take a baseball bat to that guy.He munipulated her for awhile saying we were all against him.Or maybe i'm doing the blame game.I feel dead inside.she loved so much about life.She loved swimming,horses back riding,eating new fods,ice cream,so much to list.
  4. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    You were a mother lioness protecting her cub and you did the right thing by trying to help your daughter. I am so very sorry that she hurt herself in that way, and I can see why you are so angry with that scumbag. :(
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I can't pretend to know how you feel as I have never lost a child. I wish I could help you understand what your daughter was thinking and why she was in so much pain. The only one that knows the answer to that is Randie, and she may be unsure herself. You are not selfish in wanting your daghter back. I would like to say I know what I would do if I were in your position, but I don't. I would hope that I would give my daughter the dignity of leaving this earth. Her life will no longer have any quality whatsoever. I would not wish to live that way and hope that someone would not force it upon me. I cannot speak for Randie. You said you have begun to grieve her. My heart weeps for you. Remember that you are not at fault for Randie's decision. That is a commonplace feeling among those left behind to deal with the loss of someone they love to suicide. I am sure she knows how much you love her. That can never be taken away. You and your family are in my thoughts. Your other children need you as much as you need them. Start a tradition you can do in honor of Randie. It may be eating her favorite meal once a month or lighting a candle. Something that can bring back good memories of your times you shared together. These memories are precious. Hold them tight. :hug:
  6. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    i am soooo incredibly sorry for all you are going through. i am sorry i cannot speak from first hand experience but i am only a little older than your daughter and i have attempted to do what your daughter has done and i want you to know that this is NOT in any way your fault AT ALL. it had nothing to do with you making her get off the phone or not see that boy. no one really knows why these horrible things must happen, but in times like these i guess you could try and think of the phrase "everything happens for a reason" because maybe you could use your loss and turn it into a postive by helping people or something..when i was in such a depressed suicidal state i felt as if my ONLY option was suicide. i could not bear to face one more day on the earth and the only thing i wanted was death. i still loved my mother so much and felt guilty but i could no longer cope. this is not a reflection of you and is absoloutely not your fault. i am so sorry and i only hope that you will find the strength to carry on and keep her memory alive. you are in my thoughts
  7. undead66

    undead66 Guest

    Sometimes people have bad reactions to medications and they get really dark. One of my friends, who I really care about, was depressed once and I persuaded her to go on anti-depressants, because i thought that was the best thing. She got really dark and depressed and tried to kill herself afterwards (the attempt didn't work). She maintains that the medication made her worse. There are now warnings also for SSRI medications, such as Prozac, (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors) and these warnings say to be careful when giving SSRIs to teens because they could get violent or suicidal. I think there are warnings, anyway. I could be wrong. This is still a very controversial subject.

    Sometimes people also are really suicidal and just don't tell anyone. They just get sad.

    Another possibility is that she had early onset bipolar disorder and this just wasn't treated or recognized -- keeping in mind that it's really hard to recognize this, especially in the early stages. (In other words, maybe she was being treated for the wrong ailment.)

    Whatever was going on with your daughter, she was probably seeing things through a different lense at the time when she made her decision -- almost like how consciousness is different when you sleep. Sometimes depressions are severe and they make everything feel different. It almost feels cold. It's like phantom pain -- it's not coming from a body part, but it's just as real. It's also hard because when you have some biochemical problem in your brain causing sadness, the sadness sometimes is random and people don't understand why it exists.

    I've read somewhere that problems in the temporal lobes of the brain can cause people to have dark thoughts.

    Whatever was going on with your daughter, there was some real biochemical component of what was going on. Normal teenagers don't try to hang themselves after getting grounded.

    I've been suicidal many times. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I also had my brain scanned at a facility to verify that this is the case. I sort of like to think that I'm seperate from my disorder -- that there is a version of me that wouldn't get wild horrible mood swings, that there is a version of me that has self-confidence and isn't ashamed by my erratic behavior.

    Whatever caused your daughter to do what she did, I'd like to think that it's seperate from her.

    We don't blame people who die of cancer. She died because of a biochemical problem.

    It's just hard to seperate the real personality from the personality affected by biochemical problems because they resemble each other so much. It's almost like you actually have to have that severe of depression to understand.

    Realistically, if she was on medication, you were a good mom trying your best to help her, taking her to doctors, worrying about medications... If she had gotten cancer, and the medication didn't work or made her worse -- that's just bad luck or fate.

    So, my guess is that your daughter was dealing with a biochemical problem in her brain. This may have actually caused feelings of hopeless while simultaneously impairing her judgment or changing her perspective.

    If it's hard to understand how depression could change her decision making, think about how your decisions would change if you constantly had a horrible headache and felt dizzy. It might actually change the decisions you make.

    Your daughter is probably a wonderful person who was dealing with a horrible medical problem, which you were trying to treat. The treatment may have made her worse or it may have done nothing. That being said, seeking treatment was probably the right thing to do.

    I'm sort of hesitant to submit this -- because I'm not really a graceful person. I'm sort of like a hippo trying to do ballet. I'm afraid of making things worse or saying the wrong thing. Hope it helps.
  8. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    Just click on ym user names and read some of the threads ive made and you might understand better the mind of a suicidal person.
  9. Nelka

    Nelka Member


    I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. You’re a good mother and you did everything within your power to protect your child. Sometimes we can do all the rights things but it doesn't always ensure a positive outcome.

    Teenagers are often highly emotional. They take risks and will make bad and irrational choices. Distinguishing the difference between mental illness and normal hormonal changes can be difficult.

    No one may know for sure why your daughter did this to herself. Judging from your post, it sounds like she wasn't following her treatment as directed. Whenever someone stops, changes or manipulates their medication it can have serious side effects.

    Recently I have had a change in medication. The mood swings and irrational thoughts that have resulted have been extremely frightening. There has been utter exhaustion, numerous crying spells and many suicidal thoughts. When I am in the grasp of a deep depression that is all I see or remember. However, when these episodes pass, I don't understand why I was so hard on myself.

    Those moments can be quite unbearable. But they're not me. Nor were they your daughter. I would liken the experience to being possessed. I don't believe your daughter, or anyone who commits suicide in a moment of grief, as being in their right mind.

    This is all based on my personal experience. I am not sure if it is helpful or harmful. I hope it helps answer some of your questions and I hope it eases your pain even if incrementally.
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