Update

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Failure, Aug 17, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    Tw:si & suicide

    It's been a while since I've been on here. I've come on here a few times but haven't had the energy to post anything. So this will be short.

    I overdosed (not sure if I'm allowed to say that) on the 31st of May, woke up the next day, went to school, and almost collapsed many, many times. I couldn't concentrate. I was angry with myself as I didn't take as much as I could, since it would be obvious if a whole packet was missing. I wrote a note, and shredded it a week later and threw it out. I told my therapist and my doctor, and they were going to put me in a mental hospital. I didn't want to go because it would cost too much. They put me on medication and it worked very well for a couple of weeks. I haven't told anyone else about my attempt. I haven't attempted since, but I sure have had the very strong urge to. After about 6 weeks on the medication I relapsed and self harmed. I managed to stop after a few days, but the urge comes back every single day. I have told my therapist that I have had urges about self harm, but haven't seen her yet to tell her about my relapse. The medication usually works, but whenever I am upset, they don't work very well. I mean, I would get upset over things that aren't my fault, and be upset about it for days. And I would feel suicidal over little things. I am very happy when there is nothing to be upset about, and I am sleeping better. My mum just keeps threatening to take me off them and that they are making me a different person and that I don't actually have depression, etc etc.

    I feel like I am going to die soon. I can't explain it, but I just have this feeling. And I'm fine with it.

    I feel really suicidal right now, and I know I should go to the hospital since I am on medication and I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I don't want to tell anyone. I know how hurt some people will be if I do act on my thoughts, but they seriously don't affect me anymore. I hate this.

    Sorry to rant. There is no one to talk to, and I don't know when I'm seeing my therapist. She thinks I'm getting better. If I text or call her my mum will see it on my phone bill. My therapist never answers her emails either. I'm sorry I'm talking I'm about all of this, you don't need to reply.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi failure,

    I know you said we don't need to reply but wanted to show you that you are not alone in this at all :hugs:

    You say you should not be feeling this way because you are on medications but medications vary from person to person and it might need to be changed so talk to your doctor about that. If you are actively suicidal please go to the hospital or call the hospital's crisis team, they will give you advice and should calm you a bit.

    I am really sorry you felt so low that you actually attempted. SF is here for you no matter what :hugs:

    You are always more than welcome to PM me :)
     
  3. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    I relapsed once again after I posted my last post, and I can't stop. The urge to overdose is becoming way too strong for me to handle. I can't even function properly anymore. The only thing stopping me is what happens if I fail? Will I become a vegetable? Euthanasia is not legal here. What if I damage my liver or brain permanently? But to be honest, the more I think about it the less I care. I will die eventually. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm trying to pass the time until I go to bed so I can consider it properly. My family and friends know that there is definitely something wrong, but I don't know how to ask to be driven to the hospital because I want to kill myself. I can't walk there. It's my brother's birthday in two days so I feel like if I mention something I would ruin his birthday.
     
  4. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    I tried to kill myself on Wednesday night. I didn't damage my body enough to have to go to hospital, but I almost fainted a few times at school the next day and I felt dizzy and nauseous, and my eyesight was hazy. I looked really pale as well, it was horrible. Almost everyone I saw that day asked what was wrong, which made it even worse. I didn't talk the whole day until my mum demanded I tell her what was wrong, but I did after an hour. I told her about my suicidal feelings, but not that I attempted the night before. She told me to up my dosage as my doctor gave me permission to do so if it stopped working. I also told her about my self harm and she got extremely angry at me. She told me only I can stop it and it's attention seeking and that I can stop it. She gave me alternatives but I've already tried. She doesn't understand it and she thinks it's stupid. I'm seeing my therapist in a few days but I feel like crap. I want to attempt again but I know that I will fail once again.
     
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Your mom loves you but does not understand what you are really going through. Please call a crisis hotline, or check yourself in a local hospital or police and be honest with them. You need a stable environment and you really need to be completely honest and truthful of whats really happening. Not omitting certain parts. Remember the professionals you will be talking to will never say it is attention seeking. It is not your fault.
     
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You really need to go to the hospital and seek some medical attention for the overdose and secondly because you cannot carry on like this. You need a bit more support from the professionals right now, whether that's a medication change, or hospital treatment, you need more help and support right now. There's no shame in needing to go into hospital for a while. If you had broken a leg, would you carry on walking on it without treatment knowing full well it was broken?
     
  7. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying. The drug is out of my system now, but I still feel like attempting again, and self harming. My depression gets worse at night, I'm not sure why. I am fine until about 5pm and then I feel like collapsing. I am sleeping way too much right now and I can't hold a conversation properly because I am thinking too much. I think I am seeing my therapist in two days so I will definitely talk about everything with her then. My mum told me she is only angry because she doesn't want me to self harm. She went on to say how I don't deserve to be doing it and my body is now ruined because of it.

    I have school tomorrow. I don't think I will cope. I can't stay home.
     
  8. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    I do not like school at all. I don't fit with anyone and can't hold a proper conversation anymore. Everyone is careful around me as to what they say. I hate it. The classes are fine but they are very long.

    I have to see a different doctor on Wednesday as my usual one is away. He has my file but my mum insists on coming in with me. I have to tell the doctor about my overdose but I can't when I'm around my mum and my brothers. And if I ask my mum for her to leave she will know something is going on.

    Do any of you have experiences with with your parents finding that you attempted? What was their reaction? Is there a way that I can "lightly" put it, if that's possible, or should I just say it out right?
     
  9. Failure

    Failure Well-Known Member

    I ended up not telling my doctor. My therapist suggested again putting me in a mental hospital but I didn't want to. My mum says I can't have therapy for much longer because it will start costing too much money as the government is changing the cost. I feel like my mental illness is my fault and all of this help isn't doing anything. I am just causing problems with my family as well as costing them money. I hate this. I am a mix of emotions, I don't get it. One minute I'm depressed and the next I'm so angry. I just want it all to stop.
     
  10. Runner

    Runner New Member

    Your mental illness is not your fault. It's just like any other illness, and deserves to be treated as such. Do not worry about cost or how this is affecting your family; put all your energy towards getting better. You are already such a strong individual for surviving what you have gone through. You have made it this far, and you have the strength to keep moving forward. I'm sorry you've been struggling, but please know that it can and will get better.
     
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You NEED to be honest with your doctors and therapists and tell them EXACTLY how you are feeling and what has been going on for you recently. If you are not honest with them and don't tell them what's going on, they CANNOT help you. It doesn't matter how much things cost if it is going to help you recover. Your illness is NOT your fault, but you have the choice of telling your doctors everything to get the help that you clearly need, or not telling them anything and things staying as they are. It is evident that you are not dealing with things well right now so the chances are is that if things stay as they are, you will end up attempting again in the not so distant future. So if you want things to get better and start your recovery, you need to make that CHOICE of telling your doctors and therapists everything. Yes, no doubt your mother will be upset. She may not understand, but she is probably feeling helpless that she feels like she cannot help or "cure" you by herself and that what she is doing is not working. Some parents try the "tough love" approach when they realise their kids have got depression because they lack understanding and insight and think they can snap out of it, but we know this is not the case. Ignorance is not an excuse for her behaviour, but it explains it. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care, she just doesn't know how to deal with it. You need to do this for YOU and not worry what anybody else thinks as that is irrelevant. This is YOU and YOUR life. You have the choice and the tools available to assist in your recovery, but what you will do about it is up to you. Nobody has a magic wand, this will not go away on its own. Your fate is in YOUR hands.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.