Update

[Shannew]

I joined this site almost a year ago. Since then things have gotten a lot worse.
A year ago, even up till a few months ago, I was talking to a few friends, going out from time to time, however, this has completely stopped. I cannot bear to have people in my life who don't give a damn about me so I completely phased everyone out (not like they bothered to contact me anyway further proving my point). The only person I was in contact with was my mother whom I recently also completely blocked out of my life due to her incessant, redundant and repetitive messages in which she would neither help nor bother to understand my situation. Good riddance to them all.
I know what you're thinking at this point "no don't cut everyone off," or " don't worry you will find new friends," but this advice hasn't proven true or useful for the 21 years of my life that I have lived. Firstly, I once had many friends, more friends than anyone I have ever known, and they ALL one by one stabbed me in the back and abandoned me, no matter how close we were, how much time we spent together, how many memories we shared - they all left in the end. The fact that I have been "missing" for months and not one person bothered to call or text just shows how much people just don't care. New friends? If my best friends of 7-10+ years have treated me so badly, what would a stranger, of whom I share no feelings or memories with, do? As they have already done, use me for what they want and toss me aside.
Even if I did get over my trust issues and foolishly let someone into my life again, once they learned of my depression and suicidal tendencies they would be sure to run. Of course, the boys wouldn't, no, they would use me for sex and then run.
Sometimes I would have sudden urges to get my life together. To go to the gym again, read, learn a language, try to go back to uni, but, to what end? I would still be alone, haunted my memories of the past, cursed to remember the faces of those who did me wrong until the end. Suffering and pain would still be a constant in my life no matter what I do.
And then it occurred to me, my suffering is meaningless, pointless. I was born, I will suffer and I will die and that will be the end. Whether the end comes now or in 60 years it doesn't matter. All i have experienced is pain and all I will ever experience is pain. A pain which I am cursed to suffer alone as no one else understands or bothers to care. I am alone in this world. No matter what happens..I am alone.

 

[A guy with feelings]

Shan, dear girl, if I could only reach halfway around this globe, I would give you the biggest darn hug right now

 

[JmpMster]

There is a very real thing in life known as "self fulfilling prophesies". Basically, you will get what you intend to get and believe you will get more often than not. I read through the above and while it is stating all deserted and left you , you admit to anger because after you left them they did not seek you out and try to reconnect. Whether you had good reason to leave or not really is not the point, but the expectation of others to to follow and seek you out , particularly at an age like early 20's when most people's life is in period of transition (going to uni, moving to new places, working new places, getting into serious relationships etc) - there are just too many people coming and going in everybody's life at that age to try to keep up with them. "Testing" people to see if they will follow up with you after you leave them ? It is never going to have a good result- even if they do follow up they will intentionally distance themselves for the next time the person decides to disappear. It comes off as (even if it is sincerely just wanting to see if you matter to people) attention seeking and needy more often than not.

So far as having many many friends, more than anybody you know- then I would question what is being defined as friends. If they are all back stabbing you then they were not friends, they were over trusted peopel that you knew. 500 friends on fb is not friends, and friends with most of the class at school is not what many would define as friends- they are people that you know, that know you- may hang out on occasion or something, but seriously I am not sure how anybody could have more than half dozen real friends simply because is not enough time in a week to actually be there for 20 people or actually be active enough in the life of more than a small handful of peopel to be defined as a true friend. And when trying to split attention between a huge number of people many of them are the ones that start to feel like they do not matter so they tend not to get real attached.

People that have known you 7-10 years nut that are all going off to uni and to start their real lives as adults and are involved in serious relationships- it may feel like they are back stabbing you as they disappear- but it is also very often they are just growing up and moving on wiht life and into adulthood. There is not space for all the old and all the new in most people's lives- it sucks and it hurts, but people grow apart as school finishes and they enter adulthood. And yes, that is when it is worthwhile to look for real friends again because these are people that have something in common besides forced association based on school zone and classes. They are the people the adult you can have things in common with and understand . And yes, as they start to have children and get married , some of them will disappear too. It is not a bad thing, it is developing and maturing as life changes your circumstance. And then there are new people with things in common and similarities.

Looking with a positive toward the future and trying to do what is positive for yourself and others in the future is where you have a chance of finding contentment , understanding and happiness. If you decide nothing and nobody is important then that is how others will feel about you. Simply reflecting the same attitude back, not being mean or bad- simply reflecting the same. Depression , anxiety, suicidal feelings- these are all feelings based in thoughts and reactions to situations. They are not a predetermined and unchangeable things. Unless you decide that is all that is possible for you and make it into a self fulfilling prophesy. Looking only for the negative in people and life ensures that is all you will find.

 

[PracticalGrit617]

Shannew,

NYJmpMaster nailed it. I used to feel exactly the same as you. What I've been learning the past decade, and I'm 29 now, is that you have to set boundaries. You have an amazing heart. Sometimes our hearts bleed for others when in reality, it's a one way relationship. Or worse, sometimes we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of because we think it's friendship. You may not have true friends at the moment, and that's OK. Work on yourself a bit and don't allow your heart to harden towards potential new friendships. You're in a great place to start with a clean slate. Know that friendship is sacrifical, and no one is perfect. I have one friend and we've grown apart. At one point, we were speaking only once, maybe twice, a year. Our relationship had changed, and yes, there was a point where she lied to me about something and it caused us to grow apart. But you know what? I had to learn to forgive her. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I've learned that I also had to put effort into the relationship. Now we speak every few months or so. And there's nothing wrong with that. Every relationship is different. If you desire a deeper connection with someone, then it takes time. Get to know people, and you'll learn who to let in your inner circle and who to keep at a distance. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Fernando!]

I have been alone since I knew myself and i didn't mind it. 0>-1
Good people will surely be in your life. o not allow the wrong people to spend the right people. Trust yourself. Go with the flow. Good always wins.

 

[Annette]

Shannew I am glad that you shared here and I can relate to feeling alone. If only a virtual friend, I can be a good non-judgmental friend.