So it has been awhile since i have been on. I can't even remember what the last post was. So I had been living with my husband at his parents house, things were getting bad fast. Between us and between me and my inlaws. My mother in law was making life hell for me. So I told my husband months ago that we needed to move out. He came up with every reason we couldn't. So I told him that I was leaving with or with out him. So I found an apartment for Sept 1st, and told my husband I was leaving. My mood had dropped and I had not been doing well and had to move. So this was about a month ago. So once I secured the apartment we had a fight, he kicked me out. So I have been staying with my mom until Sept 1st. Which is not a great situation. My mom has been kicking me in and out since I was 14. She is one of my main triggers, nothing I do is ever good enough etc. So I am not doing well. My OCD is out of control, I am dissocating and self harming. During all this my worker who I trust told me that because I am moving into the city he couldn't continue to see me anymore and it would probably only until oct, nov that then he would have to switch me to someone else. I was very upset I have seen over 15 therapists, and I didn't want to see anymore. My husband talked to me the other day and new that I was not doing well so he called my worker. Who then called me the next day to set up an appointment. When he got here he said he has never seen me this bad. We talked about what is going on, and how I should try to stay on this side of the grass etc. He also told me that he was not going to stop seeing me right now that we would reevalute it again next Aug. So that was good news to hear. He came and saw me again today, and said to try and remember staying with my mom is just temp. That I get my own apartment next Wed, and try to keep that in mind. I have not been doing well because my marriage has fallen apart, I don't know if it can ever be repaired and I don't know if I want to fix it. I feel guilty for everything, for the 12 plus years of abuse that I endured as a child, my marriage ending my relationship with my mom, my dad etc. I feel like a failure as a mother. I feel responsible for everything that has happend. My mom has been telling me to remember that she gave up her family for 20 years for me. I feel like no matter how hard I try that I will never be well. I want to get better but I don't feel like I am. I feel bad for selfharming again after not doing it for almost 2 months. I feel very small, and most of the time I don't feel 30 I feel like a small child. I don't feel real, I am having nightmares and flashbacks really bad, I am not sleeping well, I am not eatting well. I am smoking alot. My grandfather lives with my mom so well I am here I am having to take care of him, and when I leave my mom told me to come a couple times a week and keep an eye on him well she is at work and that when she goes on course in Nov I have to come stay here and watch him. I had severed ties with my mom last Nov when she kicked my daughter and I out. So it has been a strained realtionship to begin with. Everything comes with strings attached. I am losing way more time, the noise in my head is very loud. And I am scared to death of how I am going to do this on my own. I am scared of alot right now. I can't stand not feeling like I am in control of what happens, or not knowing what is going to happen. I have been thinking about ending it all alot. It hurts so much and I can't stand it. Not just because my marriage has ended but because of everything. My husband endured alot living with me and many hospitalizations. The loss of our baby and many other things. I feel responsible for the jaded, and hard person he has become. He has told me he is going to get help and find someone to talk to because in 15 years together he has never talked to anyone about anything. And that he wants to try and work on things. Disability is only giving me 400 for the month of sept. My daughter starts school in a week and a half. And on top of it all I still don't know how I am going to move my stuff from storage to the apartment. I just feel like it is all to much right now and I don't know if I have the strength to hang on. I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff and the ground has just about totaly given way.