hey all - just wanted to give a little update. the past 10-15 days have been better. even though i really always knew it, i finally recognized the emotional connection to what i was doing in the moment. and i was able to control myself after going to the kitchen and opening some food up, but before bringing the food to my mouth. its obviously still a struggle, and i know on a whim i will be back at it, but as of now i feel pretty good about the state of my ED. but even as a write this, i am second guessing myself. am i just clean for the moment because of my current paranoia? i am starting to get really worried about my health, but mostly my teeth. i am 23 and used to go to the dentist every 6 months when i would go home and visit my parents over winter/summer break. by coincidence, soon after my ED started (jan 31 2010), my parents moved, and i have yet to find a new dentist. (note: when my ED started it came on fast and hard). i usually rinse with baking soda after and use ACT mouthwash, but i feel some sensitivity. or am i paranoid? i do have a history of paranoia in my worst drug-using days. and part of me wonders if i'm slightly bipolar. can you sense it from my post? ok, i took a little break - time to put a less negative swing back on. so yes, i am feeling better about my ED. I gave myself a little pep-talk about stopping, so i think i'm good for the long short-term. and by that i mean ~6months. usually i can get myself to stop some bad habit with a pep-talk or 2, but after 6+months some bad habits have come back, but some i have kicked to the curb for good. when i kick one bad habit i inevitably replace it with some other bad habit, sometimes worse, sometimes not as bad, but my ED is in my opinion the worst habit i've had to date so i think anything else would be an improvement. what scares me about MIA is the ease of falling back into it. with other habits, you first have to find a source, which is surprisingly hard for me. but food always there, in ever town, easy to find/buy/abuse. and unlike cutting, which i can confidently say i will never do again, there is no obviously observable evidence of my eating disorder. so i worry that i will fall back into it, but as i try to type that i will likely do it at least once more, i stop myself, because i don't think it will happen again. right now in this moment i can honestly say that i think i am done with MIA for life. i just need to hold onto this feeling.