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Well-Known Member
hey all - just wanted to give a little update. the past 10-15 days have been better. even though i really always knew it, i finally recognized the emotional connection to what i was doing in the moment. and i was able to control myself after going to the kitchen and opening some food up, but before bringing the food to my mouth. its obviously still a struggle, and i know on a whim i will be back at it, but as of now i feel pretty good about the state of my ED. but even as a write this, i am second guessing myself. am i just clean for the moment because of my current paranoia? i am starting to get really worried about my health, but mostly my teeth. i am 23 and used to go to the dentist every 6 months when i would go home and visit my parents over winter/summer break. by coincidence, soon after my ED started (jan 31 2010), my parents moved, and i have yet to find a new dentist. (note: when my ED started it came on fast and hard). i usually rinse with baking soda after and use ACT mouthwash, but i feel some sensitivity. or am i paranoid? i do have a history of paranoia in my worst drug-using days. and part of me wonders if i'm slightly bipolar. can you sense it from my post?

ok, i took a little break - time to put a less negative swing back on. so yes, i am feeling better about my ED. I gave myself a little pep-talk about stopping, so i think i'm good for the long short-term. and by that i mean ~6months. usually i can get myself to stop some bad habit with a pep-talk or 2, but after 6+months some bad habits have come back, but some i have kicked to the curb for good. when i kick one bad habit i inevitably replace it with some other bad habit, sometimes worse, sometimes not as bad, but my ED is in my opinion the worst habit i've had to date so i think anything else would be an improvement. what scares me about MIA is the ease of falling back into it. with other habits, you first have to find a source, which is surprisingly hard for me. but food always there, in ever town, easy to find/buy/abuse. and unlike cutting, which i can confidently say i will never do again, there is no obviously observable evidence of my eating disorder. so i worry that i will fall back into it, but as i try to type that i will likely do it at least once more, i stop myself, because i don't think it will happen again. right now in this moment i can honestly say that i think i am done with MIA for life. i just need to hold onto this feeling.


Staff Alumni
This is such good news,and yes, it is so important to understand the underlying causes of any difficulty...until those are resolved, one goes from one mask to another...I hope you continue your work, and find you spend less time concerned about ED and more about living
Wow, I sense a lot of strength coming from you in this post. It must be amazing to actually be able to say you have stopped something and will never go back to it.
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