I'm getting really anti-social. I can't seem to do things right. People are so damn happy and I feel like a total joke!! I think things are starting to turn around for me, I have felt this sudden surge of emotional health and happiness. I don't want to let go of it- but sometimes it seems the highs come with the lows. Last week I was sooo depressed. I couldn't focus and I couldn't leave the house for so long I just sat on the comp and vegged- it's been a serious addiction. I want things to come to me finally, because I can't seem to get it right. I can't vent anymore because no one listens. How do I become stable? How do I free myself of suicidal ideation and fear? I've gotten so used to not existing that I don't remember what it feels like to feel or to care. Even writing the word- care- makes me tremble. One way to put it is that I am a nervous wreck. Is there a technique to eliminate these suicidal thoughts. It's almost like once you hang on to that single thread you will follow it to the end. It's like an addiction, to think about it without feeling guilt...but not that you should feel guilt about it, it doesn't stir any guilt in me unless I actually think about the people I care about and then sometimes I forget.