Urge To Destroy A Relationship

[StarFish]

I know, I know...I've spoken about this before. But I'm sorry, I'm having a bit of an internal freakout. I'm not crying but I'm sitting here breathing hard, shaking, emotions running amuk.

I have such an urge to destroy the relationship I have with my birth Mother. I've known her for about 12 years. She's wonderfu, beautiful, poised, compassionate...but ....here it is again all those poisonous emotions that I don't want.

Oh God, I love her, I love her I love her...but I just can't stand it. She'll get close to me and then pull away. I can only get so close and then whoosh, she's gone like a ghost. I know it's not all her. I'm crippled with fear in this relationship. I'm not in denial I know how limited I am.

Recently I had a big blowout at her. To anyone who knows me it would be a shock that I did it, that I said those things. I screamed: 'I got through the first 20 years without you and I know I can manage without you for the next 20,' and many other things too. She said that maybe there was too much water under the bridge. I said yes Maybe there was. I could hear her voice shaking. I could sense her trying to be so careful, but it was too late. All the emotional vomit inside me game gushing up.

I'm 33 bloody years old so why can't I just grow up and get over it..why why why WHY!!!!! I feel like hitting myself in the head...There I just did it...punched myself in the head. Pain felt good.

I haven't hurt myself for a long time. It's been so long since I've cut.

Right now I just want to call her and say: THat's it. I love you but I can't do it anymore. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER FOREVER! FORGET ME FORGET ME as if I'm dead.

 

[Terry]

I take it life wasnt too happy with out your birth mother, cos there's a lot of anger in this post.
I have bucket loads of suppressed anger at my mother and we live in the same bloody house. I can handle it because I've finally come to realise (taken me nigh on 40 years but what the hey) that she will never be the mother I want or need, she isn't capable of it.

You can't get over it because you can't talk it thru, have exactly the same damn problem. My mother lives in a world of denial where nothing she did ever impacted on me and if she did she couldn't help it. What I wouldn't give to be able to be that self deluding..but there you go she's made self delusion into an art form.

You say you've known her now for 12 years, perhaps the time has come to sit down and have an honest talk together. Not a slanging match, or a recriminations session; just a straightforward cards on table talk.

Wait until you're calm before attempting this. You never know it might bring you closer.

 

[StarFish]

Devasted I'm glad you're here.

Yes, I'm angry...I'm glad you understand...I'm crying now ; tears of anger, frustration and fear and sadness

I know I should sit and talk to her but I can't I can't. It's so complicated that it would take a thousand posts to explain. It would all end up being me..I mean she's so together so b loody perfect. I don't want it anymore. But I would be broken hearted if I followed this urge...would probably regret it in the morning. I just want to I. WANT TO DAMN IT!! Anything to make her react, make her cry.

When we had that awful conversation and I exploded at her she said, "I would be willing to step back and only see you on spe3cial occassions." But I thought WHY WHY WHY would you be willing. Don't you want to fight for me? Is it easier the second time to let me go than it was the first time.

 

[StarFish]

My adoptive family were loving...but Mum was very controlling. Father Passive agressive. I was so screwed up and have always felt they were disapointed in what they got...Me! Teenaged years: Drugs, alcohol, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, running away...I disapointed them so acutely. Broke their hearts. Broke my own. Never was good enough.
Only Grandma loved me unconditionally but she's gone now.

 

[Terry]

God she sounds just like my mother, tho my mother was a total shit when I was a child....come to think of it not much has changed.

You know on second thoughts, she might be offering to step back because she really doesn't know what to do. somewhere in her must be a load of guilt for giving you up in the first place. dunno about you but I've done things (the right thing at the time) that in hindsight I would undo in a heartbeat whether that was right thing to do or not.


When you're calmer think it over and maybe broach the subject with her.

 

[Terry]

Star are you sure you're not me???!!!!

God that hit a few chords, I was a nightmare as a teenager (the result of sexual abuse at 7 that I kept to myself).

The never good enough. Wow I'm in tears, my mother still makes me feel like that today and I'm 51 for pete's sake.

Perhaps (and it is only a perhaps) there lies the answer to you wanting to smash your relationship with your birth mother...could it be you don't feel worthy enough to have her in your life? Or even sabotaging it before she hurts you.

Just a thought.

 

[StarFish]

Thanks Devastated but no. I can't talk to her. No disrespect to you but I'd rather kill myself than do that.

I'm sorry your Mum was so awful. It hurts:sad:

Y'know It's only 8 something here. She'd still be up. If I did it now it would at least be over.

*Deep breath*

 

[StarFish]

Oh my gosh. I didn't mean to make you cry sweetie. I'm sorry. It hurts so much doesn't it?

Yes yes yes, it's sabotage.

I was just sitting here...please don't think I'm a religious nut...but inside me I felt this feeling that I should wait and see what God could do with this mess.
I'm scared you're going to think I'm being preechy or something but I'm not, I promise I'm not.

 

[Terry]

No sweat hun, I'm a catholic and my faith is really important to me. I just don't usually say cos a lot of people have issues with religion.

Please don't do anything while you're in this state of mind; remember you can't take it back.

 

[StarFish]

Me too, although I'm not a catholic (don't have a denomination), but a Christian though. I keep my faith close to my chest for the same reason you mentioned.

Thank God for that still small Voice that keeps me from doing hasty things in pain and desperation.

I'm breathing easier now. I'll wait. I need to breathe, to think.

Isn't funny how smimilar we are? I'm glad we met:smile:

 

[Terry]

Same here hun, same here :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Unreg101]

Um...not sure if this helps, but

my mom dropped me off at my grandparents house when I was 4 or 5 and went to live with my dad, who at that time was living in another country because of his work. Back then he used to be a businessman.

My sister and I would take the plane and visit them every summer vacation, but after those two months we'd have to come back here to America and go to school.

I had a lot of motivation to do things back then because I had this ideal image of my mom...she was ill, and I wanted to please her.

By the time I was 11 or 12 they moved permanetly here to America and got a house. But after a few months of living together as one family my parents blew it. They got into a huge fight and my dad moved out of the house.

Since then this ideal image I had of my mom was ruined. It's like...I can't explain. Now, I don't feel anything for her except hate, hate, annoyance, and hate. I hate her. There, I said it. I can't stand to be around her.

Don't try to hold back your feelings or deny them. If you hate her, don't be in denial but instead admit to yourself that you do. You'll be at peace with yourself, not for hating her, but realising what you truly feel instead of supressing those feelings. Sure, you might love her to some degree, but you'll always harbor this resentment in you if you don't come to terms with it sooner. You have to confront her and honestly tell her how you feel, not with emotion such as anger or anything like that, but sit down with her and have a civilized conversation and tell her exactly how you feel.

I wish I can do that with my family but that's not possible, but fortunately it sounds like your mom might be more open-minded.

 

[StarFish]

It's about an hour later, I think, than my last post. I've been wandering around the board reading posts, especially funny ones, and I feel so much better.

I'm much calmer at the moment. Am going to turn in soon. Fluffy pillows, downy comforter, crisp, cool sheets and plump firm mattress await me...ooh, and a good absorbing book.

*Sighs contentedly*

 

[StarFish]

Ooops sorry Unreg101,

I just posted my last post when I noticed yours above. You must've just beaten me to it:smile:

Yes, I hear you. I think I do hate her, but I love her at the same time. But I don't want to leave it at that. I can't just leave the hatred simmering. I'll have to work at forgiving her.

I'm sorry to hear about what you went through.:sad: Ugh, relationships.

Oh, goodness, I'm so sleepy I must go to bed now. I'm sorry if this post is a bit convaluded or stupids. I'm so tired.

Nite nite.:biggrin: