I know, I know...I've spoken about this before. But I'm sorry, I'm having a bit of an internal freakout. I'm not crying but I'm sitting here breathing hard, shaking, emotions running amuk. I have such an urge to destroy the relationship I have with my birth Mother. I've known her for about 12 years. She's wonderfu, beautiful, poised, compassionate...but ....here it is again all those poisonous emotions that I don't want. Oh God, I love her, I love her I love her...but I just can't stand it. She'll get close to me and then pull away. I can only get so close and then whoosh, she's gone like a ghost. I know it's not all her. I'm crippled with fear in this relationship. I'm not in denial I know how limited I am. Recently I had a big blowout at her. To anyone who knows me it would be a shock that I did it, that I said those things. I screamed: 'I got through the first 20 years without you and I know I can manage without you for the next 20,' and many other things too. She said that maybe there was too much water under the bridge. I said yes Maybe there was. I could hear her voice shaking. I could sense her trying to be so careful, but it was too late. All the emotional vomit inside me game gushing up. I'm 33 bloody years old so why can't I just grow up and get over it..why why why WHY!!!!! I feel like hitting myself in the head...There I just did it...punched myself in the head. Pain felt good. I haven't hurt myself for a long time. It's been so long since I've cut. Right now I just want to call her and say: THat's it. I love you but I can't do it anymore. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER FOREVER! FORGET ME FORGET ME as if I'm dead.